Stone Cold

TW: suicide, substance abuse

Today was the day. I even had it marked on my calendar, as if I could forget. A few months ago, I decided that I was finally fed up. The harassment, the drama, my family, and friends. I was tired of dealing with it all, so I decided that taking my own life would be easier. My mom is a drug addict, so talking to her was like trying to talk to a wall. She never was present with me. My father is a drunk, honestly useless. The only thing he was ever good at was abusing my mom and threatening me if I was to ever tell anyone. Luckily, I am an only child. I couldn’t imagine having anyone else to share this pain with. As far as my friends go, most of them are fake. They lie and take advantage of what little kindness I have left in me. It truly is exhausting keeping up with the newest rumors. Or worse, keeping track of the secrets they decided to make public. However, there was one friend in my life that was real. She never lied to me and was there for me when I needed her. She did not stick with me to gain anything out of it, she just cared. Maybe if I had more people in my life like her, I would consider not doing it. But this is the best time for me to go. Right before summer so everyone can go off and celebrate the end of another school year. That way anyone that knew me, could forget me. Assuming they would even notice in the first place. I plan to leave my note with my friend, so no one thinks my parents killed me and wrote it themselves. I will just have to leave it somewhere she will find it, but not right away.

I don’t really know how to start this letter. But if you’re reading this, I am probably already dead. I decided to leave this to you because there is no one I trust more. You are my best friend and honestly, the only person who has kept me going this long. Please do not blame yourself, there is nothing you could have done. You can have any of my belongings. You can find my body in the river under the bridge at the city limit. I don’t care what happens after that. I love you and thank you for always being kind.

I folded up the letter and slipped it inside an envelope with our friendship bracelet. As I made my way over to her house, I decided I would leave it in her coat pocket. She wears it everywhere and I know she will not find it until after I am gone. Her house is the last stop I make before going to the bridge.

Upon arrival, her mom welcomes me and shows me upstairs. I find her sitting on her bed listening to music, shocked to see I was there. We start up a conversation about nothing and I lose focus on the subject. I did not imagine my thoughts becoming so flooded with my suicide plan. I hoped I would feel more at peace, knowing freedom was so close. Somehow, she noticed me drifting off and asked me what was on my mind. I froze. I had never lied to her before, I never had a reason to. But now I must, to protect her. She would never allow me to go through with my plan if she knew otherwise. “Nothing, just tired,” I respond. She believed me of course, I was always tired. How could anyone sleep in my house with all the screaming and smashing that happened every night? But she knew all of that and she never forced me to talk about anything I was not comfortable with. If I wanted to share, she knew I would.

I looked at the time and saw that I had already been there for three hours. If I wanted to go through with my plan, I had to get a move on. “I should probably get going now, I lost track of time,” I told her. “Oh yeah, well let me get my mom and we can drive you home,” she insisted. I could not let them take me home. The bridge is in the opposite direction and my parents would never let me leave after dark. I could sneak past them like I always do, but I would be too exhausted to bike that far at night. So instead, I tell her that I am not going home immediately. I wanted to take a scenic route home to better avoid my home life. Again, she understood and did not try to push the offer any further. “Just make sure you make it home safe. I wouldn’t want you getting mauled by a bear or anything,” she laughed. I nod and we both stand up for a hug goodbye. I grab the envelope and slip it into her pocket. She grabs my hand and pulls it up into eyesight. “What’s this?” She asks. My heart starts to race, and I feel like I can't breathe. I blew it. She notices the nervousness on my face and joking asks, “Is it a love note?” If she thinks it is a joke, then I will play it off as one. “Nope, it’s my suicide note,” I say with a smile. “Yeah right, quit playing around. Really, what is it?” She pushed more. “I told you,” I shrug. “I guess you’ll just have to wait until I leave to find out,” I say with a wink. “I don’t think that is very funny,” her expression turns more serious. “Don’t worry about it, you will see. I just want you to know how much you mean to me and -,” she cuts me off. “No. If it’s not a big deal then I don’t want to hear any of this soppy stuff,” she says. “But all I wanted to say was one last good-,” I say. “I said, ‘No.’ Just go and I’ll call you later,” she says. I can hear the frustration in her voice. She would not let me say goodbye and I forgot to write it in my letter. All I can hope for is that she knows deep down what she means to me.

As I bike down her driveway, I can see her watching me from her window. I am hoping that she did not open the letter as soon as I left the room. My legs ache as I petal faster towards the bridge, rushing before she tries to stop me. I know I am getting close because I can see the lights through the trees in the road, getting bigger with every turn. I finally arrive. I try to push my bike between a tree and bush, hoping to conceal it. I don’t make it two feet onto the bridge before my phone starts blowing up, it’s her. I meant to leave it at her house, but I was so panicked I forgot. Missed calls and texts reading, “CALL ME,” and “PLEASE DON’T DO THIS.” I start to cry; I was not supposed to see this. This was supposed to happen after I was already gone. She is supposed to forget about me and move on. I start a text to reply when she sends, “Don’t move! The police, my mom, and I are on our way. We can help you.” I continue typing my final message, “Goodbye Anna, I love you.” Once I see that it sent, I set my phone down on the flat stone of the bridge’s ledge. I use the wall for balance as I climb up. The stone is cold and damp, it reminds me of what sadness feels like. However, right now I am not sad. I know that I will finally be free of torment and all the bad things this world has forced onto me. I allow the weight of my body to pull me forward while my hand slides free from the stone. I feel the wind run through my hair, roar past my ears, and weave through my fingers. I closed my eyes and set my spirit free.