Bennie outsmarts the squirrel

And yet another grey day. Sure would be nice to see some blue sky and maybe even some shadows. This is winter in Vermont, long, cold, and grey. A black and white world that can dampen the spirit even in the best of times. It was not the best of times. Bennie complained of his lack of energy and aching joints constantly.

"You need to get up and move more, Martha told him, things stiffen up if you don’t move about," Martha repeated these words each day for the past several months but it was as if he didn’t hear her anymore. The truth was he was getting too old to keep up with all that needed to be done around the place. He had lost interest in the very projects that had once kept him going in retirement. Neither of them had left the house in at least a week and they had fallen into a routine or more like a rut. An occasional trip to the store was the only reason to leave and Martha could get almost anything she needed on Amazon. If it weren’t for their smartphones they would have a hard time keeping track of the days.

"Is it Tuesday?" Martha asked. Her social security check came on the second Tuesday of the month, this was the only reason she was asking. The account was looking a little low and she figured she’d better hold off on her Amazon orders if it wasn’t close to payday, She found buying things on Amazon gave her brief pleasure, half the time she forgot what she ordered and seemed genuinely surprised when a package arrived.

"What did you order now?' Bennie would shout, he was always shouting. Do you think we're made outta money?"

"No dear, but arent these maraca toothbrushes adorable? They were 20 percent off."

She sat down on the couch and sipped her coffee, He asked the same question he asked every morning,

"Did you sleep ok?"

She answered the same way she always does, "I made a few mistakes."

He didn’t even fake a laugh anymore. They watched the birds come to the feeder, chubby grey chickadees, grey-blue jays, a nuthatch, nothing new nothing colorful. Here comes the squirrel, Bennie popped up and cursed, "Get out of here you pig!, ‘I’m gonna whack him," he headed for the door and shook his fist. The squirrel jumped down and ran away for now but they both knew he would be back in a few minutes. It was Bennie against the squirrel and the squirrel always seemed to win. This made Bennie feel like a complete failure, he couldn’t even outsmart a rodent.

"Is a squirrel really a rodent?" asked Martha. 'They are so much cuter than rats."

Then came the weather talk. "It’s 7 degrees, wind chill makes it feel like 2, I am not staying here next winter, no way. Can not take another winter here, we are going south!"

Martha was thinking about what she would make for dinner, stew? Wait, did I make stew already this week, was it Sunday, wait what day is it again?

But don’t worry this story does not continue with a tale of their mundane lives. Things take a curious turn when a stranger knocks on their door asking if they had jumper cables. The stranger was not looking for jumper cables at all but was thinking these two looked like an easy mark, the old guy hobbling around and the woman looked so frail he could have knocked her over with a feather. Martha’s first impulse was to turn off the lights and hide like she normally would when a stranger came knocking but for some reason Martha did not do this, he looked like a nice young man through the upstairs window.

"Excuse me, I’m sorry to bother you but I think my battery is dead, do you happen to have any jumper cables?"

She opened the door and the stranger entered.

"Do you have any cash?" he asked.

"Cash, why no, do you?"

"Jewelry, anything of value? Listen lady I don’t want to hurt anybody but I can’t leave here empty-handed."

The squirrel was back. Bennie had no idea what was happening and shouted from the other room, "I’m gonna whack him, I’m not gonna put up with this, watch out fella I’m on my way!"

The stranded motorist/burglar looked a bit surprised. 

"Who is that?"

"That’s Bennie and he has a temper and a gun, If I were you I’d run."

"Wait, is that the crooked little guy I saw sitting in the lift chair? I checked things out through the parlor window before I knocked."

"Oh, said Martha, well, yes that’s Bennie, he may not look tough but he’s got a temper and a gun so I wouldn’t take a chance if I were you. With all your snooping you must have seen Killer our Doberman Pincher."

"He’s awfully quiet for a watchdog. Listen, lady, I have a gun too (he didn’t really) and think I can move a little quicker than old Bennie. and it appears Killer is napping."

He was probably right about being quicker than Bennie with all his aches and pains and Killer was actually a cat and Bennie didn’t have a gun either. 

"Ok, so we don’t have any cash or valuable jewelry, lets see what can I offer you. we’ve got some shark’s teeth we collected on a trip to Myrtle Beach, they may be worth something. I think one may be a megalodon. I have a few bottles of wine that I got through the wine of the month club, they say they are worth 40 dollars each but we got them for 9. I have a t-shirt signed by Arlo Guthrie. Think that’s about it for valuables."

"How about that Element in the driveway?"

"Sure, it’s 12 years old and has 180,000 miles, might need a jump, we were going to donate it but it’s yours if you want it."

"Think lady, you must have something of value, silver, computers, TVs?"

"Oh, we have smartphones, they are like little computers, no silver or real computer.

We have a 19-inch Visio in the parlor, I really can’t think of anything else, sorry. Do you still need those jumper cables?"

Beenie entered the room, "I can give you a jump if you need one." he said.

The stranded motorist/burglar gave him a half-smile, "No thanks Bennie, I think I’ll just take the Element."

"The Element, but we were gonna donate it, it’s a tax deduction you know. Well if you’re taking the Element you’re gonna need a jump.'"

At that moment Bennie, who wasn’t the most observant man, noticed the strained look on Martha's face, ‘It’s a stick up’, Martha whispered."

"A stickup? Boy did you come to the wrong place, Bennie chuckled. Are you a druggy?" Asked Bennie.

"No."

"What do you need money for then?" asked Bennie.

"Because I don’t have any", repled the stranded motorist/burglar.

"Why don’t you get a job then?"

 "I had one but I got laid off and there’s not much work around these parts.’"

"We got plenty of things that need to be done around here, what’s your hourly rate?"

"For what?"

"Handyman work, first off, getting rid of them damn squirrels."

"But don’t hurt them," said Martha.

"Maybe you could look after the place while we are gone in the winter, stack firewood, there’s plenty to do around here. We could sure use some help, what do you say?"

Martha squirmed, "Bennie, I don’t think you should be telling a burglar we are going away for the winter."

"Thanks, but I think I’ll stick with a life of crime, I would not a very good handyman and I don’t have much experience with squirrels."

"But you don’t make a very good criminal either, you have to select a nicer house if you want to get nice things."

The stranded motorist/burglar had to agree, "Well I guess you’re right about that, guess I’ll just hop in the Element and be on my way, look for a nicer house."

"You’re gonna need a jump first, let me get those cables."

Bennie and Martha could not wait to tell their friends about the stickup. The local paper even did an interview and Beenie talked about how he stood up that the would-be thief and how he outsmarted him.

 "Yes, Martha said beaming, he told him he was gonna whack him."

As far as their friends were concerned Bennie was a hero and a good guy for donating the Element even with the tax deduction. 

It was that very Tuesday that the sun finally came out in northern Vermont and Bennie and Martha started to plan their winter vacation in Myrtle Beach. Oh, and Bennie sprinkled cayenne in the with the bird food just like he read on the internet and Bennie finally outsmarted the squirrel.