Allison

           I downloaded it. My friend/boyfriend told me to download it and I downloaded it. I really love him, but he keeps saying things like, “Leave me alone,” “I love you, too, but I need some quiet time” and “Shut the fuck up”. He thought this might help me learn to not talk all the time. See, I have ADHD (Attention Defecit Hyperactivity Disorder) and some other problems, but I get bored a lot and Jimmy's my new hobby. He's strong, he's smart and I'm weak and dumb, but Jimmy's going to protect me and figure out a way to get us the hell outta this place. We both hate this place and wanna get out and I go up to him and hug him all the time and every time I hug him I tell him I love him, which is every three minutes and I tell him everything that's happening in my world like when my stomach hurts because my gallbladder needs to be removed and then Jimmy says his stupid: “Ustedes embarazado” and I slap him on the face, because I'm not embarazado, I have gallbladder pain. Idiot. Then, once, he said he was going somewhere real far away at the end of the Universe that I could never join him and I asked where and told him I'd go anywhere with him and he said he was going to el bano and he wouldn't let me go to the end of the Universe to el bano. Damn it. 

*

           So, I opened up the app and it's asking me some weird shit like my e-mail address and if I'd ever meditated before and I hadn't and I told it so. Then it asked what my goals are in learning to meditate or why I want to meditate and I told it so Jimmy would like me and not tell me to shut up and go away all the time. Sierre asked “How long are you looking to meditate for? Five minutes? Ten minutes?” and I thought about it and I picked an hour. Jimmy says if he could even get an hour of peace and quiet, he'd be happier. 

           Then, the phone said to put the phone on a table and I did that and then it said to take a few deep breaths. I'm thinking this is stupid. Jimmy wants me to learn to breathe? I don't need an app to teach me to breathe. I breathe all the time. The app has me relax one body part at a time starting with my toes, then my feet, and there's calm music playing and I'm listening to this meditation and relaxing and it's speaking and suddenly I hear loud ding. This concludes your first one hour practice in meditation. Good job. We encourage you to schedule your next meditation at the same time and place tomorrow. 

           I must've fallen asleep. Weird. I had my four cups of coffee this morning and everything was good. Then, something happened which never happens. There was blankness in my head. I had no thoughts, I felt no need to get someone's attention, to go hug everyone, there was just a void and silence and I felt serene. My grammer even sounds better and I could see others' perspectives instead of just my own like how Jimmy had a life besides just me and Jimmy wanted me but didn't want me to make him my life. I could also hear how loud I'd talked to everyone and how my hunger for attention turned others away from me. 

           And I realized a lot of other things too, like how saying I'm going to be a parimedic wasn't making me a parimedic and I had to convince my case manager and my parents (legal guardians) through my actions. 

*

           I went to my case manager and spoke calmly. I told her I'd gotten my high school diploma and wanted to go to paramedic school at the University of Georgia and asked her how I could retake my SATs and study for the SAT's. We talked about it and implimented a plan. I got a study book on SATs which I went over daily. I learned about five new words every day like antepenultimate, anthropomorphic, xenoglossy, and others and I actually signed up for the test with my parents' blessing. I got a 1100 which isn't bad but isn't good either. I worked hard in the workshop folding shirts so I could pay for college and for the application fees for colleges and one of the colleges, The University of Texas accepted me. They asked to give them a yes or no answer in three months. I applied to twelve colleges and three accepted me, so I chose Texas because it was the cheapest and best credited school. I prepared myself to tell Jimmy. I knew how much I'd miss him and know he'll really miss me. I told him. He said, “I'm proud of you. You're really going through with it. You'll do great”. And I asked, “But, what about us?” He laughed and said, “You'll be so busy in Texas you'll soon forget me and meet another cute guy.” No I won't. I love Jimmy. He's the only one who'll put up with me. Like when I flashed other people for attention, or send him inappropriate texts messages, or called him every thirty seconds to ask if he's still awake. But, what if I do meet another guy? Oh, well. The first semester starts in two months, so I'll have to figure out the best dorm room to live in and find out how much books, computers, and shit like that costs. I'll need more hours in the workshop. A lot more hours. But, the time passes quick and I wind up going. The staff at this place has a sweet going away party with cake and pizza and I cry and make a speech about how I'll miss everyone. But after the party, I rent a U-Haul with a GPS, load up the stuff from my room and start driving. I stop at a few reasonable restaurants like TGIF, Applebees,etc., but keep to myself instead of seeking attention. I wonder what did go through my head during that meditation. Then, at the next rest area, I take out my phone and open up the app for the meditation again and again after what seems like five minutes I hear a bell and I hear five numbers and know what they mean. I go in the rest area and buy a lotto and somehow know it'll win. I don't know if it'll win big, but know it'll win. 

           I get to the admissions office and talk to people about what the steps are for getting my life set up here and I'm excited. I wish Jimmy were here though. He'd love this place. Then, I see my cell phone and give him a call.