To Know Myself is Knowing You

Aviana

I have trouble with emotional regulation. I cry consistently, over everything. When I receive good news, such as being promoted or when I was accepted to the school of my dreams. On the other hand, sadness in the form of my partner saying something evenly remotely hurtful or overthinking my work. With words and situations, everything is magnified. 

I'd like to wonder what my life would be like without mental illness. Ever since my diagnosis, I assume everything is wrong with me and my mental health is an excuse when things go wrong. I like to pretend I'm normal sometimes by conforming to the societal norm. Agreeing with my friends when they post their political standpoints and following the trends and beauty standards that have been so graciously set for me. I like to hide behind a screen, and sometimes behind a mask. I like to appear social, and feminine with the way I do my makeup and style myself. 

I would like to believe that people know me, or at least a version of me. Though a harsh reality interferes with this thought reminding me that I barely know who I am. 

My partner chimes into my daily, (barely there) self-reflection, "I feel as if I don't know you, it seems people on social media know you better than I do."

I sit and stare blankly into space, sipping on the tea I cusp in my hands. I debate speaking up, instead I sit quietly and ponder this statement.

He looks for a response, and I think to myself, "I wish people knew the real me, I wish he understood I'm not the girl I am online."

"I don't know," I say murmuring. 

Cliff

I'd like to believe I'm a confident person, that I have it all together. I prefer to portray that to the people I love- I like them to rely on me. My partner tells me I'm her safe haven, so I feel it's my duty to prioritize her. To reassure her that she is safe and loved. 

Sometimes I risk my sleep to stay up with her when she's crying. This interferes with my sleep, and my need to keep a routine. Though, I tell her it's okay and I will sacrifice my well-being to ensure hers is better, even temporarily.

I look at her as she's crying and wonder how one person can possibly cry this much, over such small things. I don't even know what she cries about sometimes. 

She doesn't let me in, and I wish she did. 

I don't always feel like I know her. 

But as difficult as the emotional outbursts can be- I want to know who she is. Why she cries so much, and what makes her feel this way.

So, I approach her while were sitting in the kitchen one morning as I'm awaiting the toast to pop-up. 

"I feel as if I don't know the real you," I say. I think about all the things she posts on social media and how happy she appears to others. Posting about her achievements, dreams, and re-posting the opinions of her friends. Then at home she is miserable, and her self-esteem has dwindled. She often blames herself for the faults of others and cries due to her guilt. 

I add, "It seems people on social media know you better than I do."

After I say this I gulp and feel instant regret. Though I do feel this way, in a sense. I guess I'd just like to see where her mind is at.

She is silent.

Aviana

"I want us to understand each other Aviana. I want to know you," Cliff says to me.

I perk up, but still don't feel like speaking much.

"I agree," I say.

I think to myself. How could he possibly want to know me? I don't even know me. He knows what there is to know, what more could he want?

Cliff knows about significant things. Childhood abuse, addictions, my ex-boyfriend's mental abuse. I thought by telling him these things that this was enough. I mean, he sees me cry. He should know why I'm always distraught. I still feel that after almost two years together, he still doesn't understand me. I acknowledge he's trying but.

He looks at me while I'm pondering and interrupts my train of thought, "Why don't we get to know each other again?" he says.

I'm puzzled now. "I thought we did know each other," I say. I walk away abruptly and shut myself in the bathroom.

Cliff

She has locked herself in the bathroom again. I wait a couple minutes before I knock and ask to come in. She unlocks the door and I go in and sit beside her.

"It's not a bad thing that we want to know each other," I say. 

I just want you to be free with me. Tell me why you feel a certain emotion, how it came up. Tell me what you really believe in, without having to conform. 

I look at her and see her eyes swell. Her tears instead of steadily falling among her rosy cheeks are now heavy and flooding down her face. She places a hand over her mouth, and I ask if I can hold her. She nods and I wrap my arms around her gently stroking her tangled hair.

"Please don't judge me," she says.

I hold her tighter and try to reassure her. 

As I sit here, I realize- maybe neither of us know each other. Maybe she doesn't let me in because I don't always let her in. I show her I am someone who is stable, and safe. 

What she doesn't know is that I feel deeply too. I hurt for her. I have my own past demons. She knows the gist of things but not why I feel the way I do.

I realize that we are both pretending. But in a way, she has shown me apart of herself that others don't see. She is emotionally vulnerable and perhaps it's me who pretends around her and is myself around others. I conform. To her I am confident, kind, and safe. To myself, I am insecure at the core and I admit I've hurt people, including her. 

I want her to know me. 

I never took notice as to what she is truly showing me till now. I admire her strength. This time I tell her, "I want you to know who I am."

She is confused but intrigued.

"How do you mean?" she says.

Aviana

Cliff looks at me with a sense of despair in his eyes and sighs.

"I want you to know me, just like I want to know you though I've realized you've shown me a huge part of you- with your emotions," he says.

I don't know what to say so I press my head to his instead and take a deep breath.

"Perhaps we do need to get to know each other again," I say.

He nods.

"So, how do we do this?" I say.

He thinks for a moment then replies, "In whatever way we know how."