The Back-up Dancer

There she goes again. She thinks that because she is the lead dancer, she can do whatever she likes. Where is she going this time ? If she catches the Covid virus, she will have to self-isolate, and then I, her backup dancer, will have to take her place in the show. And it is not just one performance, but the show continues, without a live audience of course, for every day over Christmas and into the New Year. But I just want a rest. All this changing of the Covid rules, seemingly from day to day, is getting me down. When I signed up for this tour, I never expected that this virus thing would ever come to dominate everything as it has.

She's wearing a thick coat, and I don't suppose she even has a face mask in the pocket. She is so careless. Is she going to a bar ? I know she drinks, not a lot, but it would be enough to upset the tour manager if he found out. She would have been sacked months ago, if she weren't so good. But she is good, her performance on stage is often brilliant, without the slightest mistake. I try to copy her, and she is helpful to me. She doesn't try to keep her techniques a secret like some, or even most, of the other dancers. She watches me practice and gives me hints afterwards. It's almost as if she really wants me to take her place, and we all know that the tour would fall apart without her. But why ? The other tour members do everything they can to hang on to their places, even deliberately giving wrong advice so that others will make mistakes. Does she want to leave, or get the sack ? Surely not. She is probably nearing the peak of her career, so it would be stupid for her to give it all up, unless ... unless of course she wants to settle down and start a family, before it is too late. Is that what she fears ?  

My brother works in advertising, as a copy writer, and he told me that it is fear that motivates people, one way or another, and that is how modern advertising works. He says that people do things, and buy things, simply because they fear the consequences of not doing or buying whatever it is. I have to admit that I only feel the need for a different style of shoe if I see another dancer has the same style as me. My brother would say that I buy the new ones because I fear no longer having an advantage over the other dancer, which would be the consequence of continuing with the old style.  

So, what does she fear ? Well, everyone fears getting ill or injured, getting old and being lonely. If we dancers get ill we cannot dance, and if we are injured it may mean the end of our career, and I, like all the other dancers I suspect, do not have a plan "B". We all know that we will not be able to dance forever, but getting old will not be so bad when we have all our memories to look back on. Loneliness is more of a problem for most people as they get older, but for performers of any age it is more so, especially on tour. When we are famous, well, I mean when everyone in the audience knows us, but we do not know any of them, it is so difficult to make real friends. Are people we meet so friendly because they are interested in us, or because they want to tell their friends that they know us, or worse, that they have discovered some private thing about us ? Wouldn't it be nice to meet someone who is interested in me, me the person instead of me the dancer ? Maybe that is what she is looking for. Perhaps under that thick coat there is nothing that will allow people to recognise her as our lead dancer, as she just wants to be a normal person, to meet a normal person, and maybe share her life with a normal person.  

The problem with show business is that there is no escape, no going back to life as it was before. There will always be people who will want to tell you, "I remember your performance in such and such was so captivating or expressive, or whatever". But we are people, not animals in a zoo, where people pay to come and watch. People do pay to come and watch us of course, but can't they just see and remember the performance without feeling entitled to get involved with the performer ? I have never played Shakespeare of course, but I do remember the Merchant of Venice from school, where Antonio says that all the world's a stage where every man, huh, must play a part, and his a sad one. Well, for us performers, we love the stage, we love it when hundreds of people are silently watching our every movement, and we love the applause at the end, but when the curtain comes down, we want it all to stop. It is not true that the stage is our whole world, because we all hope for a life of our own beyond it, or truly, our lives will also become like Antonio's, a sad one. 

I turn away from the window, but just in time to see her returning. She seems unsteady, but she has not been gone long enough to get drunk. I look more closely. No, she is sobbing. Something must have gone wrong, or whatever she was hoping for has not happened. Perhaps she had arranged to meet someone and they didn't turn up, or that they did turn up, but with lots of other people who simply wanted to boast that they had met her, when what she really wanted was to go out without being recognized by anyone.  

She has been a friend to me. Maybe it is my turn to be a friend to her. Should I go to her ? I look upwards. Tell me, should I offer to help her ? Please tell me, yes or no. I continue looking up, hoping for some sort of response. I am not sure, but I think the answer is yes, yes that I should go to her, not to ask what is wrong, not to pry into a life she may want to keep private, but just to be next to her, ready for anything she wants to share with someone. They say that a problem shared is a problem halved. Even if there is nothing I can do to help her, telling me why she has been crying may make her feel better.  

I really do want her to feel better. The worst thing for me would be that she feels she cannot continue with the rest of the tour, and that she wants me to take her place. But this backup dancer just wants some peace and quiet for the holidays.