The Diamond

“Can you keep a secret?” Jenny’s ponytail swung back and forth as she passed out strawberry coolers around the circle.

“It’s the ultimate drinking game; wa-ay more interesting than truth or dare. Everyone writes down a secret and puts it in this box...”

As soon as I heard those words, I wasn’t in Jenny’s house anymore, I was transported to the basement of the house I grew up in. I wiped my palms on my skirt and swallowed, looking around the dark room that seemed to swallow things whole. I hated it down here. 

“Can you keep a secret?”

“D-dad?” my young voice was high and shaky. 

He stepped out of the blackness, smiling, as relief washed over me. He led me into the wine cellar, my anticipation building. Typically, I wasn’t allowed in the wine cellar, but today was special, dad had a surprise for me. I wondered why we had to meet down here, but perhaps this was all part of the surprise; my dad had a flair for drama and liked to go all out. Well, if mystery and suspense was what he was going for, it was working! The wine cellar appeared empty; no big box wrapped up in colourful paper, no new puppy (which had been my guess as well as a fervent hope), not even a bit of glitter to mask the dusty shelves. I turned to look at him, questioning. It seemed I had guessed wrong. 

“...and then you drink if you guess wrong!” Jenny finished triumphantly, pulling me back into the circle. I shook off the flashback and took a swig of the drink in my hand, silently thanking Jenny’s parents for going away and leaving their liquor cabinet unlocked. My family insisted on waiting until I was 18 before they let me enjoy a drink or two and it was getting harder and harder to smuggle this contraband into my room. Alcohol was the only thing that seemed to fight off the bad dreams. I ventured a glance around the circle as I drank again, pushing the memories down with the taste of strawberries and vodka. There were some nervous giggles as people reached for pens and paper, but no one made eye contact. Gosh, were we really doing this? What kind of secrets did these girls plan on putting in that box?

I cleared my throat, surprising myself, and the girls looked at me. 

“What is it, Josie, got something good?” Jenny teased, tossing a pen my way. “It’s always the quiet ones who have the best secrets,” she winked. This resulted in some tittering around the room, while others looked up, intrigued.

“It’s uh,” I fumbled for words, “It’s um, are there any guidelines for the secret?”

“None,” her eyes glinted, “except that it has to be something you haven’t told anyone else until tonight.”

“Right. Um, great, thanks.”

“Come on, don’t be nervous.”

“Don’t be nervous,” my dad smiled as he unzipped his pants and took my hand. “This is our secret, something special for daddy’s little girl”. His skin felt unbelievably soft, but the hair around it was wiry in contrast. He guided my hand and I let him, unsure what I was supposed to do or say. I must have looked puzzled, because he laughed softly, lifting up my skirt as he spoke, “don’t worry princess, this is still a surprise for you. I want to give you the gift of pure bliss. It only lasts for a few seconds, but it’s unlike anything you’ve ever felt before.” 

Then why do I feel confused rather than pleased? I must be doing something wrong. I don’t want to disappoint my dad; he seems so excited about this secret between us. I’m frozen, unable to take in all the different sensations, thoughts, and emotions, and now I feel like I’m starting to float away. Maybe this is the feeling he’s talking about, is this right?

“Are you ready?” my dad’s voice is huskier than usual.

“Are you ready?” Jenny had the box under my nose and I noticed there were already 4 carefully folded pieces of paper inside. 

“Almost,” I lied, “come back to me.”

Jenny sighed and moved on, collecting everyone’s secrets like they were precious diamonds in the rough. A little more effort and the igneous rock would break away, exposing the shiny glittering stones for all to see.

I sighed too and looked at the blank stationary in front of me. I had spent a lot of time trying to send this particular diamond back to the depths of the earth and was not enjoying having a mining expedition nearby. On the other hand, I wasn’t sure I could keep the volcanic eruption at bay forever. A part of me wanted this diamond out in the open, put under scrutiny, and to have an expert look at it and explain to me the colour, clarity, cut, and carat weight. 

Why didn’t you stop him?

The thought emerged without warning, and I felt the taste of strawberries in the back of my throat. I hadn’t said no, I hadn’t stopped him. Did that mean I said yes? I was old enough to know that what happened in that wine cellar was wrong, but if I didn’t try and stop it, did that mean I was just as much to blame? 

“Josie, come on, we’re all going to sober up by the time you write something down.”

“I think I’m going to be sick,” I mumbled, running the bathroom.

“After a few coolers? It’s a good thing you’re pretty, Josie,” someone called after me.

“You’re pretty, Josie,” my dad whispered, “and you keep getting prettier. You’re going to have boys tripping over themselves just to see that smile.” 

I blushed with the praise. This was weeks before the wine cellar, and we were laying on the floor of the living room after wrestling together, breathing hard. He always made me feel so loved, always took such good care of me after my mom started going away on business trips. Giving me extra hugs, sleeping in my bed so we weren’t alone, and taking me out on adventures just the two of us. One day he let me have so much ice cream at the carnival, I stumbled off of a ride feeling sick and ran for the bathroom but threw up in the sink before making it to the toilet.

I threw up in the sink before making it to the toilet. Jesus, what is wrong with me? The girls are going to think I’m crazy if I don’t pull myself together. As I stood there, I could hear them laughing, starting the game without me. Someone had written down that they had a crush on our gym teacher at school. Must be Rebecca, I thought absently. I wanted to see what other diamonds surfaced. 

“I let a boy touch my boobs.” Gasps and shouts of “no way!” followed this confession, as it was revealed that this was Janessa’s secret.

“I cheated on a science test last year.”

“I snuck out and went skinny dipping.”

As I listened to these confessions, I realized that my secret was not a normal secret. I did have a reason to be upset. Maybe, just maybe, this wasn’t completely my fault. Something gave way inside me, giving me permission to cry for the girl who lost her innocence in that wine cellar. 

A soft knock on the door and Jenny asked if I was alright.

“Not exactly,” I sniffed, opening the door. “Can I tell you something?”

And suddenly, the volcano was erupting, the words spilling out of me as I sobbed and Jenny held me. All the memories, thoughts, and worries that I had tried to drown away bubbled to the surface. How I thought maybe there was something wrong with me because sometimes it felt good, how I thought my dad must just be lonely with mom gone, how I felt guilty for starting to avoid my dad when we had been so close once, and how I worried if anyone would believe me.

Jenny was crying too and a part of me felt guilty for wrecking her party. “I believe you,” she said simply. “How can I help?”

For a moment her question confused me. Help? I hadn’t thought this far ahead. Hell, I hadn’t even planned on telling anyone tonight–possibly ever. Fear coursed through me, what was I doing telling Jenny all of this, what if my dad found out? What if my mom found out? She wouldn’t love me if she knew what I did with her husband! I looked wildly around, what were my friends going to think of me now? And I could give up the thought of ever having a boyfriend, no one would want to be with me if they knew. Jenny had her arms around me, and I wanted them off, I didn’t want her to touch me, I wasn’t going to fall for that I-care-about-you-and-you’re-special card again. I jumped back.

“Hey,” Jenny said softly, “hey, don’t panic, this is your choice. I’ll support you with whatever you choose.”

My face went blank.

“Do you want to go to the police?”

My knees wobbled and I sank back down to the floor. The police? “I think I need a minute.” 

Jenny nodded. “I’m going to send the other girls home, but I’ll be right back, ok? There’s another box of Kleenex under the sink.”

I reached for the cupboard door and took some deep breaths, willing myself to calm down. Jenny had given me a choice, said it was my decision. This was different, and a part of me squirmed at this new sensation of being given control. Maybe she wasn’t trying to charm me or take advantage of me. Maybe. Part of me didn’t want to trust anyone; I felt so exposed. 

“Ok, it’s just you and me now,” Jenny came back with a glass of water and another cooler.

“It’s just you and me now,” my dad put his hand on my shoulder as we waved goodbye to my mom for a few days. Once the car was out of sight, he began massaging my shoulders, slowly moving down my body. This was months before the wine cellar. “We’ve got to take care of each other, you know? I know it’s hard with your mom gone so much. I really admire your strength.” Had he been manipulating me all this time?

“I really admire your strength,” Josie was saying, and I eyed her suspiciously. “For telling me. That was really brave.” She took a sip of her drink and sat on the counter. 

We sat in silence for a minute and I began to relax, “Honestly Jenny, I don’t really know where to go from here. I didn’t try to stop him, so how can I go to the police? And what about my family? This would tear us apart.”

It took her a moment to respond. “It must have been hard to say no to your dad; you trusted him. I don’t think that makes you responsible, I think it just shows that he used that trust in order to get his way.” My heart fluttered with the hope that this was true, that maybe I wasn’t to blame. “And as for your family, I don’t know Josie. It sounds like this has started to tear you guys apart already. You avoid your dad, hide your drinking from them both­–“

My eyes widened in surprise.

Jenny laughed, “your parents may be oblivious, but I’ve seen you sneak out your empties. Pretty sure you’ve stashed a few in the recycling bin here, no?” 

I grinned sheepishly and the mood lightened a bit. As Jenny and I talked into the night, she gave voice to a very small part of me that had been silenced when I started keeping this secret. A part that didn’t believe I deserved this, a part that wanted justice for the girl in the wine cellar. Maybe that voice wasn’t as loud as it could be, but it was starting to take shape. Over the next few days Jenny stood by my side as that voice grew stronger, and I weighed the risks and benefits of my decision.

It was hot and sunny as Jenny walked with me to the police station, my diamond fully excavated and ready for inspection. Could I keep a secret? I pulled open the door of the station and the cool air made me gasp. No, I couldn’t keep a secret.