The Wait

Who would’ve thought 5 years ago I’d be standing at an old stone in the ground telling myself I’m talking to you? Since your death, this has become a ritual for me: every Sunday, new flowers, new clothes, and new regrets. I know we tell each other everything but how do I explain the pain that sits in my chest every day of my life? I just hope you found peace before your death and I don't want to ruin that for you. So yes, I will sit here and lie to my best friend because if I were to tell the truth then I’d say I don’t know how I’m supposed to move on from this. I don’t know how to get the sinking, aching ball of anger and sadness out of my throat. And I don’t know why everyone is all ok now.

It's been a month, just a month, so how can everyone move on like this? My mom was laughing at brunch yesterday, Jake went back to work a week ago and Mya started school. Why is this happening? How can they all move on when you are not here? I can barely fall asleep at night without hearing the echo of your laugh from a distance. Why is this different for me? We all loved you the same so why does it hurt more? Is it because of that night 2 years ago? The short knock on my apartment door, the sound of your drunken speech while I was shaking on my couch. How could you’ve done that? Why then and why hadn’t you said anything earlier? My focus was brought back to that night. The clinking of whiskey in our glasses, every drink I lose control but that's ok when I’m with you, I’m safe, I’m happy and it feels right. I had never thought about you like that but at that moment it could've been the whiskey or the moment but your lips were so enticing it was making me dizzy. Sounds of contentment flood my memory.

The peaceful awake of your breath on the back of my neck. I turned and took in the smell of your skin. Alcohol mostly, but with a hint of your natural scent, a mix of pine trees from your home, and a little citrus from your sweat. The smell made me smile. I slept next to you for another hour or so. I normally wake up early in the morning but I didn’t want to leave. I wanted to stay next to you. It felt nice. No, not that word. It felt right, like the whole universe was circling but we were still. I know I sound crazy for how I’m describing it but that's honestly how I felt. I had a million things wrong with my life then but I didn’t care. All I could think about was that moment, the perfect moment that we created. I finally got up an hour later after not wanting it all to end. But I had to get to work. Even though every fiber of me wanted to call in sick. I remember making the greatest breakfast I had ever cooked and I was no chef. Chocolate chip pancakes and terrible coffee from my broken Keurig. I woke you up to the smell and I forced you back into bed. What I never told you was that I never did this. Sure, I lied and said I always ate this but it wasn’t true. I hated eating breakfast because it wasted time I could be working or exercising. But for some reason, I was excited to eat breakfast this morning.

We sat in my bed and talked about that night and laughed about your drunken speech. After we spoke my alarm went off and I had to get to work so I nervously kissed you and you kissed back. I thought it would feel awkward but it didn’t. It again felt correct and as someone who lives their life by numbers that was perfect. We made plans to meet later and then I left. The whole day felt like every second was taking years to pass. I found myself getting bored during meetings and having flashbacks to our night together. I closed my eyes and gulped, picturing your frame in the darkness of my room.

Your skin had felt like stars on the ends of my fingers. Every touch caused me to shiver in a cold, nervous sweat. Why did you make me feel this way? We met for coffee later and spoke about our days. You caught cream on the top of your lip but I didn’t want to interrupt you so I left it there. Somehow your words had me in a trance and everything you said was making my vision blurry. I had always found you attractive but this was different. I wish we kept going from there but we agreed to stay friends because we didn't want to lose each other. So I did the hardest thing I’ve ever done before, wait, wait for anything, any hint you still felt that way, any small gesture pointing to that night, any interaction of attraction or interest you gave off. But in 2 years nothing ever happened, not even an awkward conversation. It was like it was just a dream I had and it never existed and I hated that. I wish I said something, I wish I did something, I wish I had done anything to show that I loved or wanted you. Because now I can’t. I can’t love you, I can’t hold you and I can’t talk to you because you're gone.

No one will ever know I was in love with you, not even you, and maybe you’d still be here if I did. So for now I will cry every last tear, I will mourn every day, I will love everyone around me, but never as much as I loved you, and lastly I won't ever wait for someone like how I waited for you. So take this as a swear or a promise, from now on I will never go through this again, never give into my fear of rejection or dismissal. Why? some will ask. Because the wait, the wait is the worst part.