Chicago Witch Trials, Part III: Bring the Heat!

“I don’t give a damn, Harper,” Officer Spader said through a mouthful of powdered pastry. “stereotypes are stereotypes for a reason. Asians are good at math. Latinas make damn fine dancers. And cops, such as myself, love donuts. They’re easy to transport, come in a variety of flavors, and don’t make much of a mess-Ooh, fuck!”

He quickly started dabbing at the power he’d accidently sprinkled across the front of his shirt with a napkin. Officer Harper smiled behind his cup of coffee. He was driving tonight. They’d parked the cruiser at a mall parking lot. It was near three in the morning, and the night had been uneventful so far. It was reprieve from the chaos a few days ago at the local club Hell Nights. Harper and Spader had been assigned to keep people out of the building. Nearly every cop in Chicago had been called in, but only to be guards. Government agents arrived and walled off the place. As far as Harper knew, they were still there. A giant tent had been set up around Hell Nights. But why?

“Aliens,” Spader had decided. His overt confidence had once irritated Harper to no end, but he’d eventually learned to roll with it. He doubted it was aliens, but there was no denying that this world was getting weirder with each passing year.

“Bill,” he said as Spader got started on donut 2.

“Yehbuddy?”

“You ever feel…small?”

Spader patted his large belly, spilling more powder onto his shirt doing so. “Not since elementary school.” He frowned at Harper. “Why?”

Harper sipped his coffee for a moment before asking, “What’d you want to be when you grew up?”

“A cop,” Spader answered at once. He then gestured to himself. “And so it is written. You?”

“A werewolf.”

“Huh?”

Harper shrugged a shoulder. “Just always thought they were more cool than scary. Super strong, super fast. Like superheroes with claws and fangs.”

Spader gained a thoughtful expression at that. “Running in the woods, naked, could be cool.”

Harper snorted. He began to reach over towards the box to grab himself a donut when the radio suddenly went off. There was a report of gunfire not too far off from their location. Harper set his coffee into the cup holder and got the cruiser going. They heard the gunshots WAY before they even got close. It sounded straight out of a war movie! Yet there was another sound making itself heard through the barrage. A scream? No, a roar. Harper yanked hard on the wheel and turned a corner.

He’d been half right. It was an army movie.

And a monster mash.

The sources of gunfire became readily apparent. The apartment buildings on one side of the street were swarming with soldiers. They were all semi-transparent, with their bodies and weapons all formed from some kind of misty, blue light. Not all of the soldiers were full grown. Harper watched a baby pull out a bazooka out of thin air and aimed it at-

Dreams really do come true, Harper thought numbly as he brought the cruiser to a complete stop. Neither he nor Spader moved to get out. Their mouths hung open as they watched a missile explode from the baby’s bazooka and head straight towards a giant, crimson werewolf.

Despite being peppered nonstop with bullets, the wolf still managed to reach out, grab the missile in midair, and toss it over its hairy shoulder. The missile sputtered and then kept on going, through the front door of a rundown, abandoned house.

A heartbeat passed.

And then a plume of fire consumed the house whole, illuminating the werewolf’s silhouette as it threw its head back and howled towards the black sky above-

Knock, knock.

Both men yelped and spun in their seats.

A large Latin man smiled down at them from the driver’s side window. He motioned for Harper to roll down the window.

“Is…is that’s the Universal Matador,” Harper asked breathlessly.

“That is world famous action star Armando Montana De La Rosa Malloy?” Spader said, sounding seconds from peeing himself. “Yep.”

Numbly, Harper rolled down the window. Armando immediately stuck his head into the cruiser so that they could hear him over the chaos happening not fifty feet away. “Hola, amigos!” he exclaimed. “Let me borrow this real quick, yes?” He grabbed the com and spoke into the radio before Harper could argue, “Hola, lovely ladies and gentlemen of Chicago’s police. This is Armando Montana De La Rosa Malloy speaking. Yes, that Armando Montana De La Rosa Malloy. Please, hold your applause for we simply do not have the time. I am beseeching you now to ignore the sounds of war currently resonating throughout your city. Everything is under control. My wife and mother-in-law-”

A ghostly tank suddenly appeared.

The werewolf grabbed it by the barrel, swung it around, and threw it straight up into the sky.

There was an explosion somewhere off in the distance. Hopefully nowhere populated.

“-may not have everything under control.” Armando frowned. “For the sake of my daughter’s graduation, I will have to step in and save the day. Again. But, again, keep on doing what you are doing as long as it keeps you far away. At least until Diablo Wolf as been taken care of. Gracias.”

He hesitated before adding quickly, “And don’t forget to buy the new deluxe set of Universal Matador. It includes the extended editions of all seventeen movies, plus behind-the-scenes content and commentary that you just can’t get anywhere else. All at the reasonable prize of $299.” He took a deep breath. “Ship and handling may vary.”

Armando handed Harper back the com. He gave the two stunned officers a thumbs up each and began running back towards “Diablo Wolf.”

“HOLD FIRE!” a woman’s voice suddenly cried, cutting through the gunfire. The bullets ceased. Harper and Spader turned. A woman dressed in black was standing at the edge of one of the buildings' rooftops. She looked solid. And extremely irritated. “ARMANDO, WHAT ARE YOU DO-? PUT YOUR SHIRT BACK ON!!!!”

Harper and Spader turned.

Sure enough, Armando was had tossed his shirt aside. He was nearly as hairy as the wolf. He sprinted towards Diablo Wolf. Blood leaked from bullet wounds all across its body. Yet they were healing over now. The monster barred its teeth at the small army of ghosts almost tauntingly. It was so busy doing this, that it didn’t notice Armando until the Spanish actor had already leapt onto its back. The beast released a surprised whine. It tried to reach back and claw him off, but Armando shimmied onto the section of the back that is near impossible to scrub at when you’re in the shower. Eyes livid, the werewolf began to run around and try to buck him off. Armando held strong, curling thick fingers through its crimson fur.

“OHLAY!!” he laughed, kicking his boots into the beast’s ribs. The werewolf howled and barreled down the street on all fours, towards the police cruiser. Harper and Spader flinched. The wolf leapt straight up and over the car. It landed with a thundering impact and kept on going.

Harper and Spader (and the ghosts of soldiers and babies, and one very pissed off wife) turned and watched the famous Spanish actor Armando Malloy ride off on a demon werewolf. “HAHAHA!” he laughed. “THE UNIVERSAL MATADOR RIDES ONCE MORE!!!!”