Delirium

I clutched my coat tighter around my shoulders, the normally gentle snowfall turning harsh once the sun came down. My eyes, tears pouring from them, blurred everything in front of me. I couldn’t blink. Then they’d freeze shut.

A cough overtook me for a moment and I stood, hunched over the sidewalk like a dramatic child, trying not to throw up what little I had for food the day prior. The storm would only worsen as time passed; I have to find somewhere safe.

I seemed to stumble across a park of some sort. Few trees, now dead and covered in snow lined the area, a few benches placed few and far between. All covered in snow and offering no shelter from the weather.

Nothing but panic overtook my senses. No sign of anywhere sheltering me from the blizzard. No one rushing over, tending to my infected wounds or cupping my face and telling me it’s alright. I brought my hand to my cheek, putting in the effort but lacking the emotion of a mother comforting her child. It was cold.

Covered in holes and fraying in every place possible, my gloves did a bad job at keeping my hands warm. Everything I touched seemed more cold than the last. I almost hoped they’d fall off just so the tingly sensation that filled my fingers would finally end. My face burned where my hand had lain. I dropped it and continued walking.

Corner shops had been closed a few days prior to this. In anticipation of the blizzard, people stocked up on gas, got fuel for fires, and bought non-perishable foods. And some of us searched and scraped the bottom of the can for any last bits of change that could be spent on some place to stay. I looked down to my pocket, the faint clinking of a few pennies and dimes all that kept me grounded.

My head darted up.

All I should be hearing is the wind, howling in my ears so loud it’s deafening without. But there was something else. Now painfully aware I haven’t succumbed to the weather, I turned my head, my neck flaming up in response. I could barely move anything now.

Another one. Smaller. Lighter. Maybe some loose change, hitting something from the wind? The possibility of money got my attention.

I heard it again. Clear as day. My legs sped up, though my body cried for a moment of stillness. I fought every urge in me to sit on the nearest bench, and walked around one of the few alleys in this town.

A cat. No, two. A cat and a kitten. The kitten, just a small pile of black fuzz thanks to my blurry vision, lay huddled against the other, probably its mom, crying out to it. There was no movement from the other. Probably dead.

A thousand things hit me like a truck.

First, the inside of this alley was surprisingly sheltered from the weather. But not for long. The snow would build up and pile in soon. 

Second, this kitten could not be more than a few weeks old,  judging by the size and baby fuzz. It would take a couple of miracles for this thing to live without a mother.

Third, I was still cold.

Thinking about it only made me shiver more. I could barely crouch down to get a better look at the kitten, and I didn’t make it back up. My body gave out. I collapsed next to this fuzzball, the screaming pausing as I came into view. Obvious frostbite had taken over both of us; I wouldn’t be surprised if neither made it out.

I scooped it up with my free hand, the static my nerves gave off shooting fire into my veins at the small amount of added weight. The kitten barely made it to me before my hand dropped, and I unbuttoned my coat.

The inside couldn’t be too much warmer than the outside, but the kitten seemed convinced otherwise. It darted into my jacket, whole body shaking from the small breeze that made it into the alley. I couldn’t help but laugh.

Laugh? I’m about to freeze to death, and I just found a dead cat with a kitten that will die with me. How is any of that funny?

I laughed despite the logical part of me being confused. The laugh turned to a cough, and the cough turned to a croak. I curled myself around this tiny ball of heat; though not much, it offered quite a shock to my system to feel after a long time. My thoughts grew warm, the light breeze reminding me of all the summer air I had felt throughout my life. Hell knows how much I’ll miss that.

The gentle rocking of the body reminded me of fishing, the boat rocking back and forth and occasionally throwing me side to side.

The bright flashes of color dulling down reminded me of a fun day coming to an end. Laying down to rest after playing in the mud all day, small scrapes and stories being all that ran through my mind throughout the night.

I smiled, the cool air biting my teeth and I woke from my trance. Still in the alley. Still holding a kitten.

The world around me grew fuzzy again, and I made sure to stay still just in case I could forever stay in this dreamy wonderland. All that came over me, the soft blanket of grass coating me as I rolled down a hill, picking up clumps of dirt and pebbles, grinning as I waited for the bottom of the hill to hit me. But it didn’t. I kept rolling, and rolling, but my body slowed. The rolls turned into painful heaves of breath, My arms moving on their own as I tried to tuck into another roll. The warmth stayed, though.

I blinked and I was back in the alley.

The warmth stayed.

My eyes glanced to both sides, tears beginning to freeze as they ran down my cheeks. Something changed. A large, white rectangle with a red stripe through the middle obscured my vision of the outside of the alley. Maybe a vehicle backing in, and it’d run over me so this painful hallucination can go away. Blobs of white and red broke off from the box, quickly moving towards me. Odd.

A ringing sound lightly filled my ears, one of the blobs leaning down to my eyes. It came into focus. A person.

I tried to move the kitten. Maybe if I opened my coat more, they could see it, and we’d both be better off. My arms stayed at my sides, like someone poured tons of concrete mixture through the openings of my clothes. The ringing in my ears muted as I was abruptly turned over, the kitten jolting to the side and falling out of my coat. That’s good. They’ll see it and hopefully help.

I got rolled onto my back again, now cold rods supporting a thin strip of cloth underneath me. I hissed in pain, though I couldn’t hear myself through the muted yelling.

A few more of the blobs came closer, all going to a corner and lifting the rods. My sudden elevation brought the sky closer, and for a second, I wished it would forever lift me up.

Something warm got shoved under my arm.

I could barely feel my arms through the painful movement of the people, but I hoped it to be the kitten. What else would it be? I used to be a paramedic, they don’t usually put something under your arm. Unless it’s for an IV. This isn’t for an IV.

They lifted me into the white rectangle, now recognizable as an ambulance, and the white lights on the ceiling brought me back to my previous state of delirium.

The bright lights kept me sheltered from the howling of the blizzard outside. Warm, loving hands rushed over my body, checking for any infected wounds. A hand grabbed mine as they inserted an IV, the slight prick nothing compared to my previous experiences. They squeezed my hand, with the caring touch of a mother, someone with both the effort and the emotion thrown into the touch. My eyes closed. It was warm.