Cailíní na Gaillimhe

POV: Keavy

Galway, Ireland 2020

Love makes the world spin; it's the magical invincible feeling of power which love gives us, making our bodies feel as if they can leap off tall buildings, ascend the water tops with just our sneakers, and no proper gear.

Love in it's splendid is purely beautiful. Love makes us laugh, even in the most awkward moments, love can lift us, love gives us warmth, a sense of forever, and security this can awaken the shyness in any of us and make us dance with breathless feet of anticipation.

Love can also break us apart in shreds of skin, muscles leaving us bleeding openly raw and forever changed, but the unapologetic authentication of its power. Love is power; it’s grace, and it’s beauty, and it’s unforgivably unforgettable.

Love comes in many shapes, forms it’s always changing and always building formation. There are our first loves; no, I am not talking about our first snog; I mean our first real human connection to our parents. Mam and Dad, they create us, birth us, and raise us in most cases, they are how we learn as babies, toddlers, and children how to see the world, how to react, and how we view reality.

Suppose a child is born in poverty, pain, and abuse. They learn to miss trust, to fear, and to know pain as their first emotion. If a child is born into a household where music is the light and sun, where laughter and love are prominent, they learn to cherish laughter; the sounds of nature shade their world as the music of life. Everything they hear can somehow be tied back to their early days of childhood.

The jackhammer in the city reminds them of their older brother using their Mam's pot and pans as his first set of drums. The dog howling in discomfort tied to the post outside the Starbucks, a casualty from their owner's neglectful mind, Reminds the person of the little sister attempting to sing at two am, her tired voice scratchy and untrained as of yet.

Nature is powerful in suddenness and swiftness. Minutes before this, the skies were icy blue clouds thick as cotton balls rolling through the skyline. Now their blueness is hidden away, gone from the playful eyes of human sight, Changed to angry grey as rains lash down harsh and cold, bringing with their torrent hail storms of pain and coldness.

Ah, thy Irish weather, how I love to loathe thee. Swift as the sea rapidly changes in winds direction, making the waves pound in anger, the sky is apparently in tune with the sea. Both angry now as they sway and howl in agony.

They feel me, once a happy, playful girl dancing to the rhythm of life as sure as the fiddle and the bodhran. Now I am left shattered, unable to process how life so suddenly and cruelly took away my heart and ripped my soul to shreds.

I have always obeyed thy mother and honoured my father. I respected elders and showed patience as a child. I did my schoolwork dutifully and silently, even when I had such disdain towards the schoolwork. It was what was expected of me as a child, so I did it. Why would God punish me now? How could he give me a best friend at birth, a partner for life? Only to rip her from my arms, my sight in the blink of an eye

I can't comprehend this as I walk the cobblestoned streets of downtown Galway, Ireland, my home since birth. Life is all around me. Even in this wicked weather, men laugh merrily with their mates, slapping each other on their backs. They are drunk on the spirits of Guinness. Street performers hop, lock, grind, and jig on the corners. Musicians are busking on corners their voices blending into the sounds of city life, their hopes of being the next Big thing from Ireland blowing away with the winds of The Irish Sea's latest rage.

Cars honk to their rhythm of anger and impatience as vendors scurry to seek shelter. Neon marquees flash their entertainment venues, food spots. People still go on about with their evening plans. Us Irish folk are tough we can take a lashing from mother nature. The city is alive, vibrant with a beauty untouched by time. It's filled with locals hopping to their favourite spot for a cuppa or a tall glass of their frosty beverage with friends after a long week of work, school.

Tourists swamp Galway to celebrate Lughnasa, a time of year here celebrated with festivals, music bonfires, to honour the start of the harvest season. I have always loved this time of the year as kids, my; parents gathered the six of us children together and took us downtown to perform in the streets. I didn't know it then, but we were dirt poor and, these performances were how Mam and Dad stayed afloat and kept. A roof over our heads, food on the table, and clothes on the back. At the time, it was just fun for us, making people smile and dance a little hearing how our voices blended so harmoniously.

Now I can't find that feeling as I walk alone. I feel the emptiness at the bottom of my soul. A twin alone is wrong. Born as two souls united at birth, we were always together. Even when we wished for the distance, we were never far apart, my sister. My heart, my soul my other half, Death has taken her too soon; she was only forty-years-old.

Why? Why give her to me why give me the chance to save her life at seventeen with a bone marrow transplant, why have her beat Leukemia only to give her kidney failure. Why have me provide a kidney give us hope if God always planned to have her taken away by a drunk driver on the eve of the birth of my twins?

Where is the fairness in this life? Where is my joy, my laughter? This should be an exciting time I have the husband of my dreams my prince charming even when he's not so charming. I have been blessed with three exceptional children, twins of my own.

Only to lose my twin on the eve of their birth. The pain is of no other to compare to, The silence of her absence is profound and painful in unspeakable ways. No one can ever understand, except another twin who has lost a twin.

I still hear her voice calling to me so alive so full of love and excitement. She was always the louder of the two of us, outspoken blunt some people said. Always authentic and raw Edele didn’t shelter anyone's feelings if she thought it she said it. Like it or not usually not.

Now the silence is killing me, and it's funny how I am in a city full of life, music people and I feel so powerless, so lonely. Tears roll down my cheeks. I know I have to pull myself together. I have to be strong; I need to move on. My best friends Lindsay and Sinead are awaiting in the centre on stage we are set to perform. I can't seem to move past this pain, this unbearable heartbreak.

Too soon. Too young. So beautiful, so sweet Edele should be here with me, with us—front centre our lead singer. I lift my eyes toward heaven, and I scream why? No one answers alone in a city full of thousands.

Memories surround me in our city on Gafferty street where Edele and I learned to skate laughing hand in hand—whizzing by The O'Brien's the elderly couple who lived above O'Keifer's Fresh Fish. They were always yelling at us local kids for scuffing up their walkway. Oh, Boherbeg street, where Kelli Doyle's sports shop use to be the centre of activity for Galway Youth back in our teenage years. Edele and I got our first job there; Edele had her first snog with Padg Kenndey. She cried for days because of his breath stank of smoke.

Bank Street, where Edele and I challenged the Duffey Twins to a dance-off, we smoked them, and in their humbleness, they asked us out. I can still hear the laughter we shared as we both ditched them, running off-hand in hand. We made it as far as McKinney's corner market till we nearly peed ourselves in fits of giggles.

For hours we sat in the booth of McKinney's sipping strawberry milkshakes sharing fish and crisps. Dreaming of the days when we would make it big and tour the world.

Quay Street where Edele and I switched places and pretended to be each other on our first few dates, she fancied the bloke who had asked me out, and I fancied the bloke who asked her out so for weeks we pretended to be the other and fooled these poor lads. I laugh slightly to myself as I pass Tig Coili I can see her there smiling as she flirts with Liam O'Mayo quizzing him on all of his reasons as to why he liked her or me in reality.

Healey's one-stop shop where Edele and I spent hours as teens trying on every outfit in his shop measuring each other up telling each other which outfits made us seem fat, brought out our freckles or dulled our skin tones. I can still recall the epic fight of 1994 when we were fourteen or so. I told Edele the skirt she was trying on made her look like a Doxie; she chased me around the store grabbing a hanger; I'm still not sure what she planned to do with that damn thing, but I wasn't trying to find out then. We made such a right mess of that store after I tackled her and wrestled her to the ground that thee owner kicked us out on our butts and told our parents. We were grounded for weeks which only lead to us fighting more finally Mam got so tired of hearing us she made us get jobs to get us out of the bloody house.

Playing football in Eyre Square battling each other for the balls we were always captains of the opposing teams our battles were deadly among the neighbourhood kids. Neither of us relented with each other many times we gave each other bloody noses or blackened eyes. We both wanted to win so badly it didn't matter who got hurt.

I pass by the sweet shop where Edele and I always raced to after school. Stopping now I feel the tears roll down as I see Mr McCarthy in the window helping a customer he's at least 93 now and still working, bless his heart. I freeze as he turns, seeing me staring tips his hat towards me, placing it over his heart. I can't stay I spin so fast I become dizzy and sway. "Keavy." I hear my husband's voice before I feel his hands on my arm, steadying me.

My stomach rolls as I feel Cian my husband lower me to a chair which has somehow mysteriously appeared by hands which weren't there before. Irish folks yes, we are always helping each other out. Lowering my head in between my legs, I fight off the wave of nausea and tears, threatening to kill me with their powerful waves.

"Breathe, Keavy, I am here. You are not alone. Thank you, Mrs West." "Oh, of course, my lad, I will get sweet-Keavy a cuppa keep her there Cian." Kindness which knows no end that is the way of the Irish, I should feel the love and support, but right now all I feel is sick and tired and alone.

My eyes drift down ways memories swirling as the rain stops as suddenly as it has begun moments before, the streets now filling with the music, dance and vibrant life that is my city. Every street has a memory tied to it for me. Every one of those memories Edele was a part of in some way or form Lazo Jeweler Edele and Cian picked out my engagement ring together I can still picture her smiling as she held up the perfect ring for him to buy me. I can hear her telling Mr Smith the measurements, stone cuts and what type of engagements to put on it. So bossy but done with so much love and pride as was everything my sister did.

My eyes squeeze shut as I try to fend off these memories, but they keep crashing as if my mind was trapped inside a music video the song on repeat. I have to move I can’t sit here, I know it hurts Cian, but I can’t care right now. Another memory slams into me the first day we got our driver's license Edele called five of our friends to take a ride with us. We had saved up for years to buy our first car the minute we could legally drive we called everyone and went on a drive to Renvyle House Hotel, Connemara; we brought loads of alcohol with us got flaming. Skier dared us to sleep overnight in the haunted castle we were so drunk.

Black street McGranny's cafe where the Edele, Lindsay and Sinead and I sat for hours every day for three years crafting our sound, creating our group Cailíní na Gaillimhe planning our choreography, writing songs dreaming of the day we would hit it big. St.Patrick's Day 1998, we were seventeen-years-of-age performing to a party atmosphere living it up as we all did whenever we were onstage, our place to shine, our shrine. Edele looked, sounded like a damn Queen. I can feel her as if she was right next to me when my eyes meet the stage that made us a household name. I can see the sparkle in her eyes as she slides on her knees, belting out that last note. She shone, she knew it, we knew it. The whole world saw it.

Why do the stars fade? There's a whole sky filled with them why couldn't Edele stay? Doesn't God know I need her here? She was my star, my heart; my soul doesn't I matter in God's grand scheme of plans? The pin brings me to my knees by St. Augustine's Church, the last place I saw my sister.

Nooo!!!

I scream in a rage of pain I can't hold back my anger, I can't stop the pain. Why did Edele have to suffer so much, feel so much pain and fear? Have her security shaken & crumbled have her faith tested? Only to find her ground get us four back together after the horrible breakup, giving us ten more year's of love, laughter, hope, and dreams if only to rip us to shred.

Lindsay and Sinead have each other where I am left? Broken and confused, feeling powerless and defeated; Death has left a pain a void so unbelievable no one can heal it. No doctors can make it better; no medicine can cure it. Death is forever; it's final. Infinite and silent, there is no warning no time to prepare or book to show you how to grieve.

Tears are endless.

Love yeah, the memories soothe my ache at times. But not always love opens me up for the pain of loss. Edele is unforgettable and yet I am afraid I will forget her I am so terrified that as the years pass I will forget the beautiful sound of her laughter, I will lose the vision of her beautiful face. Identical twins without their other half. It's unnatural we are two different people there's the scar between her eyes from when we were two, and she fell.

I'm afraid I'll forget it. I never want to forget Edele she deserves to be remembered to be honoured, no starch that Edele deserves to be alive. Why did she have to die and leave me so alone? A twin should never be alone. People who've lost their twins know there's a more profound connection there. When a twin dies, they take away the heart, soul, hope and dreams of their other half.

I'm a shell now, broken, hopeless and utterly forever changed. I don't have the luxury of dying though to be with my twin. I have three kids who need me. I have two nephews and a niece who've lost their Mam and need me now more than ever.

Death has left a hole inside my heart, yet my heart beats on; No one can equal my twin, no one can make me cry as hard, laugh as loud or love as hard as she can. I dream about her every night; I pray for her to be safe wherever she is. I pray, I never forget her. I wish the winds would take me to her. I'm so empty so alone even in the city I have called home since birth, now it seems so foreign.

How can someone feel so alone in a city so full of life and love a city that inspired musical artists from so many generations? I may never know the answer. All I can know for sure is that as bad as it seems I will pick myself up, I will join Lindsay and Sinead on the very stage that Cailíní na Gaillimhe was born so many years before. I will carry these memories with me in my heart in my soul. I will dance to the melodies of life's bittersweet song.

Nothing lasts forever, except love. Love will burn like a fire inside my soul, and course through my veins, giving me the rhythm of life's beating path.

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