See You In Court, Time Travellers!

TRIAL BRIEF:

SUPERIOR COURT OF CALIFORNIA: SOLANO COUNTY

In re: Civil Complaint of Petitioner: Greenfield Cattle Co., of Vacaville CA

Respondents: Glidian Delrex-Armoxia, et al, of "The Distant Future"

Re: Wanton death and destruction of cattle herd, collateral damage to ranch, sexual assault of prized heifer "Lulubell"

Trial #: FLO236B

Trial Date: 7/12/2028

Time: 9:00am

Department: C

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TO: The Court in the above-entitled matter, and to Respondents: Glidian Delrex-Armoxia, et al:

1. BASIC CASE FACTS

a. On the evening of Thursday, February 5th, 2026, Respondents were captured on security video footage materializing in a small fleet of time travel machines on Petitioner’s cattle ranch located in Vacaville, CA.

b. Upon landing, Respondents immediately proceeded to deploy concentrated photon beams to eviscerate all cattle on the ranch, sparing only a prized heifer named Lulubell, 2-time Solano County Cattle Competition runner-up.

c. Respondents then inspected the entrails of the slain cattle, taking photographs, video and copious notes while speaking in an indecipherable but highly animated fashion with one another.

d. Finally, Respondents surrounded Lulubell, and various forms of sexual depravity ensued, too grotesque and abhorrent to document in detail herein. For the sake of accuracy with respect to the court’s formal records, Lulubell appeared mostly unphased by all of this. (She’s always been a true stoic, that Lulubell.)

e. Respondents returned to their time travel crafts and fled the scene just as police arrived. An empty 40-ounce bottle of Budweiser was flung from one ship's driver side window just before the vehicle evaporated from sight. This bottle was located by police and logged into evidence. (See Evidence To Be Presented At Trial - Exhibit A).

2. BRIEF SUMMARY OF THE CASE

a. This case was originally filed by the Petitioner on 4/13/2026. Disclosures have still not been exchanged. Discovery is still not complete. Due to the technical complexities of time travel and potentially apocalyptic risks associated with logical inconsistencies and temporal paradoxes, Petitioner’s assigned process server (Burt Frunkleman, of Sacramento CA) has been unable to physically reach Respondents to date.

b. Petitioner’s best efforts to notify Respondents of pending legal proceedings using an RF-Quantum Communications Transponder were met with only this: “Fuck off. We banged your prize cow! - Glidian Delrex-Armoxia, et al. ” After a short time, Respondents presumably felt some sense of remorse and sent a second message: “Sorry. That was uncalled for. There are no cows here anymore. We had to take a shot while we had the chance. We hope you understand. That’s a really nice cow.” There have been some limited communications since then.

c. Independent auditors place the value of the decimated herd at $1.84 million with additional property damage totalling $1.2 million for ranch structures that were engulfed in flame by stray shots of the concentrated photon beams. Petitioner beseeches the court to also consider the extensive psychological and emotional damages suffered by Lullabell (regardless of her impassive disregard for the trauma she has suffered).

d. From initial date of case filing until present, Respondents have demonstrated neither good faith nor any willingness to see this matter litigated in court under our present temporal timeline. They seem to want a change of venue to their timeline, which clearly places an undue burden on Petitioner.

3. SETTLED ISSUES

a. Petitioner acknowledges that Respondents are human beings from a distant future who have mastered the power of time travel and are in possession of technologically-advanced weapons of annihilation that are capable of wiping out all life on earth in mere seconds at any given time of their choosing.

b. Respondents are willing to pay 7.46 trillion Neo-Lydian Staters in exchange for Lulubell. (No information available on current exchange rate between Neo-Lydian Staters and US Dollars.) Petitioner is presently drafting a counteroffer while seeking more information.

c. Petitioner is willing to reduce any future judgement against Respondents in this case by ten cents, provided that recyclable Budweiser container (Exhibit A) is awarded to Petitioner following trial, in acceptable condition. We can probably sell it on eBay to recover some of our losses.

4. NON-SETTLED ISSUES

a. Venue of trial. Petitioner insists that trial take place in Solano County, but acknowledges that no legal/logistical remedies presently exist to compel Respondents to appear in court. They are being complete and total assholes about this whole thing.

5. ISSUES TO BE LITIGATED AT TRIAL

a. Respondents claim that prior to The Great and Fiery Cataclysm of 2036, the ranch land, structures and cattle currently owned by Petitioner were owned by their families, as they claim to be the distant descendants of Petitioner, but have provided no proof to substantiate this claim. (They argue that all such proof was destroyed during The Great and Fiery Cataclysm of 2036, a convenient position to take with respect to this litigation.)

b. Explanation of, apology for, and all due monetary compensation related to the brutal and savage laser-guided evisceration of 632 head of free range cattle. We appeal to the court to properly weigh this sad and tragic loss of fine USDA Prime Angus beef in any future judgement.

c. A specific and binding offer, expressed in current US Dollars, in exchange for Lulubell. Petitioner cannot wait indefinitely on this matter while Lulubell has so many other suitors with great ardor and proper dowries awaiting.

6. PROPOSAL OF RESOLUTION OF ISSUES

a. Respondents to issue formal apology for all carnage and chaos, including an explanation for the need to carefully examine bovine entrails, in order to bring closure to Petitioner. (We’re all just really curious about this. It was weird. We will show you the video if you want.)

b. Iron-clad security guarantees that there will be no complete and total annihilation of all life on earth at any time after trial, nor any repeat incidents of cattle evisceration/molestation. Also, litter pisses us off. Take your empty beer bottles to a recycling bin, you scumbags.

c. Will somebody please tell us the friggin’ exchange rate between Neo-Lydian Staters and US Dollars already? This has grown well past tiresome at this point. We won’t resolve anything until we get a definitive answer on this.

7. SUMMARY OF EVIDENCE TO BE PRESENTED AT TRIAL

Exhibit A: One nearly-empty 40 ounce bottle of Budweiser beer. Despite the fact that, as we all know, and as is clearly codified in the US Constitution, "THIS IS THE FAMOUS BUDWEISER BEER. WE KNOW OF NO BRAND PRODUCED BY ANY OTHER BREWER WHICH COSTS SO MUCH TO BREW AND AGE. OUR EXCLUSIVE BEECHWOOD AGING PRODUCES A TASTE, A SMOOTHNESS AND A DRINKABILITY", forensic testing has demonstrably shown that this mere 40 ounce container of beer was consumed over the course of no less than two hours and ten minutes, proving that Respondents are simply lightweights and pussies who can't drink. Embarrassing. Mortifying even. The future is for posers.

8. LEGAL PRECEDENTS TO BE CITED AT TRIAL

a. Americans Who Love Steak vs. Douchebags From The Future

b. Cool, Normal, Decent People vs. Reckless Cunts From The Future

c. God-Fearing Patriotic Ranchers vs. Insufferable Cow-fuckers From The Future

d. You Guys Keep Being Dicks vs. We Blow Up The Whole Goddamn Planet With Our Nukes And You Will Never Be Born In The First Place. Wassup?

9. OTHER MATTERS

a. See you in court, Time Travellers! (Maybe? Because you're all cowards!)

b. Keep this on the down low, but Lulubell asks that you "hit her up" on her cell phone

Respectfully Submitted to the Court by Attorneys for Petitioner,

Sue, Grabitt & Runn, Attorneys at Law, LLC