Star Gazing Grief

“Do you see the milky way?” 

“Yes, do you?” My brother asked, knowing I can never find it no matter how hard I look. 

I laugh and confess. “Never. I think you’re just making it up.” 

We lay on our special star gazing blanket for another hour or so, only saying a few words to each other. He meets me out here every night to watch the stars together, he’s my best friend and this is my favorite time of every day. After we’ve enjoyed the sky enough for the evening, we say goodnight and part ways. I dream of visiting the stars with NASA and meeting a sweet alien that shows me around the galaxy. 

I wake up to my 8:00 alarm and the smell of mom’s baked apple oat’s. She texts me to make sure I’m awake and getting ready for school every morning. She knows I’d rather stay home and waste the day waiting for night to fall again. 

I only take a few bites of the oatmeal, and it’s just as good as last Monday. Mom loves to stay on schedule and try’s to get dad and I to eat three homemade meals every day of the week. Week-ends we’re on our own and I get to binge all the fast food I want. I like that she keep busy though, but sometimes I wonder if she’d rather be doing something else other than cooking and cleaning all day. 

My day goes by slow, at school. My friends ask how I am, I always assure them I’m okay. Because I am. We pay attention in some classes, like creative writing and theatre. I fall asleep in geometry and Mrs. Rivers sends me to the office, again. They always lets me hang out at an empty desk until I feel like going back to class. There aren’t many things to complain about when you’re in High School. You don’t have to do much, other than not be a complete idiot. We’re all just waiting for college and to start doing things that actually matter. I usually spend the day, day dreaming about going to The Savannah College of Art and Design, learning about stuff I care about. Being happy and living life with actual meaning. Derrick, my brother, believes in my dreams and goals. Mom supports me too, but wishes I wanted a more practical job. She loves my acting and my passion for writing but worries the industry will be too hard for me. I just ignore her when she says things like that and focus on how Derrick thinks I can do anything I want. Dad doesn’t care what I do, as long as I do something. 

After the last bell of the day rings, I put my headphones in, ready for my walk home but Anne rips them out as soon as I hit shuffle on my playlist. “Want to come over and watch The Love Witch and order pizza?” 

I’d rather just go home and be alone but, I haven’t hung out with her in two weeks and pizza sounds really good. “Sure, but no mushrooms this time.” 

She laughs and we get in her black Jeep and take turns picking songs on the way to her house. She lives just one neighborhood over from mine, so I’ll walk home after the movie. “I’ll tell my mom to order us the pizza and meet you upstairs.” 

“Okay.” I say already half way up the stairs, texting mom that I’ll be home later. 

I’m cuddled up in a bean bag, looking for the movie on her big tv screen when she walks in. “I see you made yourself comfortable.” 

I smirk and apologize for not seeing her for awhile, I haven’t even replied to her text messages. 

“It’s okay, I understand. You know I’m here when you need me.” 

“Thanks.” We start the movie and Anne’s mom brings up the pizza awhile later. She ordered mushrooms on half and plain cheese for me. We eat almost the whole thing by the time the credits are playing and Anne offers to drive me home, knowing my social meter is just about empty. 

“It’s okay, I’ll walk. See you at school tomorrow. Love you.” 

“To the moon and back.” She says while I shut her bedroom door behind me. 

Once I’m home, I notice dad’s car not in the driveway yet. He’s been working later than usual for the past month. Probably just keeping busy and his mind off things. I don’t blame him. Mom smiles when she see’s me walk in. “Hi honey, hungry?” 

“I had pizza at Anne’s, sorry. But I can take left overs for lunch tomorrow.” 

“Oh alright, well do you want to sit and talk about how your day went while I eat?” 

I sit down, so she doesn’t have to eat alone and humor her questions about school and my friends. I tell her about what we practiced in theatre class today when I notice the sun setting. I love that the days are shorter in winter. “I gotta go out back soon, it’s getting dark already.” 

I leave mom and change into some sweats and a hoodie, so the mosquitos don’t bother me once I’m outside in the brisk, California air. I grab the star gazing blanket and head downstairs and hear mom on the phone. 

“I know. She seems okay, but she’s still going outside every night and says Derrick meets her to watch the stars until she gets tired enough to fall asleep. I thought it was just her way of grieving his death and that it wouldn’t last long but she just seems so obsessed. Maybe we need to try therapy again, I don’t know.” 

I ignore her, like usual and walk out the back door with a few tears running down my cheek. I wipe them away, so Derrick won’t worry about me. I get the blanket laid down and get myself comfortable. Taking a few deep breaths, I stare at the magical, star lit sky and wait. After a couple of minutes, I hear foot steps and a snarky laugh behind me. 

“Think you’ll find the milky way tonight, sis?”