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April 18th, 2016
It was Timothy’s birthday today. He told everyone days prior it wasn’t a big deal, no presents necessary, no cake necessary, no public spectacle. Yet today he was sad, sad that presents were poorly wrapped, sad that a cake was not present, sad that people didn’t congratulate him.
I tried to bake him a cake. It wasn’t very pretty. The crumbs rubbed against my mouth like gravel when I tried a sample. Would he still have appreciated it if I had still given it to him? Or would he have thought less of me?
He looked disappointed today. I feel disappointed too. The exact reason I don’t know. Why do people hide what they want from each other? I guess I’m not close enough to Timothy. I wish I was.
April 20th, 2016
I sat next to Timothy on the bus ride to school today. He alleges that he waits a whole thirty minutes before the bus to show up. I usually get to the bus stop five minutes. The conversation died after that. I wish it didn’t.
On a different note, I love the smell of lavender! I sometimes rub the buds against my fingers and sniff my fingers as discreetly as possible. I hope Timothy doesn’t think I think he smells bad when I put my hand to my nose. It’s not like I’m trying to block a smell. Quite the contrary. Maybe I’ll bring it up if we ever talk again.
April 22nd, 2016
Exams are closing in. Why does everyone else seem so calm? I should ask questions in class but I’m afraid to. I guess I hide how I feel more than I realize. Tomorrow I’ll be better. I shouldn’t be content not knowing the content. Haha, content has more than one meaning. I really just wrote that. Why am I so stupid sometimes?
Timothy seems to be breezing through his classes though. When I asked him how he was holding up, he said he was doing fine. I hate when he does that. Why do people say “fine” and “ok?” I nagged him after but he seemed bothered. I’m probably at fault. It’s not really my place to know, is it? I wish it was though.
April 25th, 2016
Timothy acted like he didn’t know me when I asked him to eat with me at lunch. What’s his problem? Why do I keep thinking about him?
May 7th, 2016
Oh God. It’s the day before the chemistry exam. THE chemistry exam. The exam that shows how capable I am with college level courses or something. I hope I can save my parents some money if I qualify for credit. My heart’s pounding so loudly my ears seem to be ringing too. I’m not going to lie; I don’t really know how that works. Maybe I’ll take anatomy next year.
Timothy seemed calm, but he’s always calm. He told me to take a deep breath when I’m stressed. Deep breaths, in and out. When I think of him, my heart rate only seems to get faster. Honestly this isn’t working. I should be reviewing, not writing about my feelings.
May 8th, 2016
I shouldn’t jinx this; I know I shouldn’t. Is it wrong to admit I think I did well?
I was surprised to see that Timothy looked stressed about the exam though. I thought he would look cool like he always does. On the bus ride back home, he told me he wasn’t sure of himself through the whole exam. Is it wrong of me to want to wrap my arm around his shoulder? I wish I could’ve comforted him. I think he’s being stupid though. I’m sure he did better than me.
May 15th, 2016
Tomorrow is another big test unfortunately. Biology sucks harder than chemistry. I’m sure Ms. Hoffman would disagree, but she’s been teaching biology for twelve years. Imagine teaching a subject that involves observing things that are either too small to see or take too long to notice. Because cells? Because evolution? God I’m stupid.
Timothy will also take this biology exam, but he is in a different class. It seems like the chemistry exam really stirred up his nerves. He seems more tense nowadays. I tried offering him my crispy granola bar on the bus ride to school since he said he didn’t eat breakfast. He declined, as he always has, but it was probably for the best. I watched half of the granola bar crumble onto the bus seat after my first bite. The bus driver was not amused. Timothy smiled though. I wish he would smile more.
May 16th, 2016
After finishing the biology test, I don’t have to worry about jinxing it. I know I failed. That test was smoldering hot garbage. I should’ve reviewed earlier. What the heck.
Timothy seems to be delighting in my misery though. He smiled at my long rant on the bus about why the test was so concerned about the exact number of oxygen atoms in large carbohydrates. He said the math was basic. I told him to shut up.
Timothy honestly infuriates me, but I get dizzy when we spend time together. Is that normal? He’s such a freaking nerd.
May 17th, 2016
Prom is coming up. As a junior I shouldn’t be thinking about it. Not like I’ll get any invitations. The last-minute signs and promposals are really getting to me. Is it weird as a guy to want someone to propose to me? Who sets these rules anyway?
Yesterday was my third big exam: computer science. By some miracle I think I finished every question. My parents forced me to take that class, and I went into that class ready to fail. I’m so happy I took it though. I seem to understand the concepts and Mr. Kay lets me take naps when I finish my work.
I wasn’t as confident before the test though. Timothy squeezed my hand when I couldn’t stop hyperventilating. Wow, I’m such a mess. It’s kind of embarrassing knowing he saw me so flustered. Am I wrong to admit it felt nice though?
May 25th, 2016
Timothy went with his best friend to prom. I wish I could say it was me, but it wasn’t. Her name is Alex. She’s tall, brunette, with an olive complexion. We don’t have any classes together, but she always smiles when she sees me in the halls. It’s like she knows something I don’t. Something turns in my stomach when I see her. I feel sick for feeling sick. Alex is really sweet.
I just wish I could be as close with Timothy as she is.
May 27th, 2016
I don’t know why I keep eating alone outside of the library. I tell myself it’s because no one wants to sit with me. I think that’s an unhealthy mindset. I should stop telling myself that. On a brighter note, I was able to frantically finish a lab due for biology. Ms. Hoffman may not have been impressed with what I showed the class, but she didn’t see the magic that happened behind the scenes.
Still got a C though.
Timothy snorted like a pig when I told him what happened on the bus ride home.
Sometimes I really hate his guts.
May 30th, 2016
I can’t believe the year is almost over. I saw a line of middle schoolers visit today for some sort of orientation. I swear each new batch look younger and younger. I’m probably just getting old.
Mr. Kay revealed in third period that some of the answers from the computer science exam have been released. I am proud to say that the questions he showed to the class were questions I got right. Whatever he talked about after I don’t remember. I was asleep by then.
I never intended this to be a dream journal but my nap in that class was wild. I was flying in the sky, feeling the streams of wind slide past my arms (which happened to be wings or something), and the sun’s warmth tickle my skin. Then suddenly I plunged into water, drowned, and then the bell rang and I woke up. I should check Google what that dream translates to.
I talked to Timothy on the bus about it. Timothy doesn’t believe dreams have any meaning. He says he’s skeptical of everything in general. I laughed. What a freaking nerd.
I wonder what he dreams about.
May 31st, 2016
Someone slipped a note in my locker. I rarely use it in the first place, so I don’t know how old it is. I half expected it to be a Jehovah’s Witness pamphlet. I’m 99% sure Bill from history is a Jehovah’s witness. I hear him preaching about “the end being near” outside the library. Timothy gets unbelievably frustrated when he hears Bill. I think Timothy getting frustrated is unbelievably funny. His cheeks flush like cherries. I think it’s cute.
Anyways, the note said, “I hope you’re having a great day,” so I guess Bill was right. The end is near. I’m not usually a pessimist but someone is out to get me. I have trouble believing the note was written in good faith.
I didn’t bring it up to Timothy on the bus. For some other reason he looked a little shaken.
June 1st, 2016
Another note ended up in my locker. “You’re so cute when you laugh,” was written in the same small handwriting as the note I found yesterday.
I suppose I tend to laugh a lot, especially in Ms. Hoffman’s class. I deduce the mystery person is probably in my biology class. God, imagine if it was Ms. Hoffman. That would be scary.
Anyway, I ate lunch outside of the library again. Timothy waved to me as he walked to the cafeteria, but he didn’t sit with me. I did my best to hide my disappointment.
Bill still somehow hasn’t got busted for his end of the world sermons. As much as he’s a nuisance, I respect Bill for being open about his feelings.
June 2nd, 2016
Miguel from Bio sat next to me during lunch outside the library. We talked about how much we secretly loved Ms. Hoffman despite hating the class. He’s a nice guy. On the other hand, Timothy looked at me but didn’t wave today. I asked him about it on the bus, but he refused to say anything. I wish he could tell me what’s up. It always scares me when he doesn’t want to talk to me. I thought we got closer.
Oh, I almost forgot. There was another note. It said, “I know you sleep in computer science and I hope you’re dreaming about me.”
Bill’s theory is confirmed. The end is near.
June 3rd, 2016
There wasn’t a note today. Miguel sat with again during lunch. We snickered when Ms. Vicky, the school police officer, told Bill to stop disrupting the “learning environment.” I’ll miss Bill. Since he’s a senior, I won’t see him next year (unless of course he gets held back, and I wouldn’t be surprised).
I didn’t see Timothy today. Not on the bus, not at lunch. We don’t have any classes together so this kind of sucks. I’m going to hope he’s not avoiding me. I’d probably cry if he was. Is it bad to say I miss him?
I’m realizing every second I may never speak to all my senior friends again once they go to college. That’s terrifying.
June 4th, 2016
God I want to cry. I can’t believe, no I can’t imagine, no, I just, what?
Someone confessed to me today. It’s a first. I thought I’d be okay if it happened, and I prepped for this emergency ever since I received the notes. It’s not like I was the person who had to confess. Me, the coward, who doesn’t want to admit his feelings to a certain someone. Me, the coward, who couldn’t give the confessor a straight answer. What reason do I have to cry right now when I’m the one at fault and I’m not the one who had to confess?
Should I write this down? God, I just want to forget. This whole thing is a mess, and it’s a mess because of me.
I applaud my deduction skills though. The person who confessed was from biology.
It was Miguel.
He admitted to writing the notes. He admitted that he thought I was cute. He admitted that he liked me ever since the year started.
I should’ve been kinder. I should’ve let him down easier. Instead I stuttered nonsense and ran away. I can’t even remember what I said.
All I know was I wanted the person to be Timothy, not Miguel.
It’s hard enough to be a boy and like a boy. How could I humiliate Miguel? I know if Timothy did that to me, I would crumble. Crumble like my stupid freaking granola bars.
June 5th, 2016
Finals is just a week away, can you imagine? I started to review before writing this. Ms. Hoffman seemed impressed when I showed her my study plan.
I couldn’t talk to Timothy or Miguel. It got kind of lonely. I wish Bill would come back and preach again. Maybe next time I’ll join him.
June 13th, 2016
This morning I finally got to see Timothy again at the bus stop. He wore a navy-blue t-shirt and some light gray sweatpants. I blamed my blush on the heat.
He smiled when he saw me. A small smile. Not a smile other people would notice. But one I would.
I couldn’t bring myself to say anything important. Instead I rubbed my fingers against some lavender buds, sniffing my hands.
I wasn’t sure why Timothy showed up in the first place. Seniors graduated last week. But Timothy wanted to say something.
“I’m going to miss you.”
All I could do was nod. I’ll miss you too. I wanted to say something else.
I guess I’m not close enough to Timothy. I thought I was.
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