Road Safety Class

“Safety plea after six pedestrians die in 13 days”¹

                              Did you get the leaflet from the Woodland Conservation Group?

                              No. What leaflet?

                              The one that explains why the Council wants to chop down all the trees, and why they shouldn’t.

                              Which trees?

                              The ones in the woods, of course.

                              Why do they want to chop them down?

                              They say it’s because they get in the way and drivers can’t see where they’re going. It’s bad for road safety.

                              How can trees get in the way? They don’t have legs, so they can’t step into the road.

                              That’s true. But trees grow. They can get in the way by growing out of the wood and into the road.

                              Well, maybe. But people in cars drive much faster than trees grow. So if a tree starts growing out into the road, the driver can still get past it before the tree gets in the way.

                              That’s true too.

                              So why does the Woodland Conversation Group say they shouldn’t chop them down?

                              I’m not sure I really understood that bit. But now that I think of it, it must be because people won’t be able to have any more conversations in the wood if the wood isn’t there…

                              Yes, and even if they try there will be too much noise from the cars driving around too fast because the drivers can see where they are going.   

                              The drivers can see where they’re going now. They can always drive past a tree before it can grow into the road. You said all that yourself.

                              Yes I did. But I’m not sure now. Sometimes I’m just not deciduous enough. I get confused.

                              Deciduous?

                              It means I can’t decide.

                               I think it’s something to do with trees.

                               Well, they can’t decide either.

                              Ok, maybe we can ask the teacher at Road Safety Class.

                             I can’t come to Road Safety Class today.

                             Oh no. Why not?

                             Because my Uncle Billy’s dead.

                             Hasn’t he always been dead?

                             No, that’s Uncle Charlie. Uncle Billy was alive first. Now he’s dead.

                             When did he die?

                             Last night, I think. Mum and dad were talking about it before the film started. They haven’t told me yet. But I know.

                             How do you know?

                             Because they were talking about it. They think I don’t understand. Dad says he’s never known so much Anguish.

                             What’s Anguish?

                             Sounds like the name of a language.

                             Where do they speak it?

                             You know Joao from school? Where’s he from?

                             Angola?

                             Yes, Anguola. That must be where they speak Anguish.

                             And how come your dad’s learning it?

                             Oh, I don’t think he’s actually learning it. It was probably just a fig or a peach.

                             What does a fig or a peach mean?

                             It means what it is. It’s got nothing to do with fruit.

                             But it is fruit.

                             I know. But a fig or a peach is something you say when you know what you mean but you don’t know how to say it. Maybe Dad was too upset to say anything else.

                             Was your Uncle Billy sick?

                             I don’t think so. And even if he was, that’s not how he died.

                             How did he die?

                             He was killed because he was a Predestrian.

                             Is that against the law?

                             No, but it’s dangerous.

                             How do you know it’s dangerous?

                             Because mum says six Predestrians die in 13 days.

                             What, every 13 days?

                             I think so.

                             Let me use my calculator. That means more than one every week.

                             Wow, so 52 every year?

                             Slightly more.

                             That’s really dangerous.

                             Your Uncle Billy must of been very brave.

                             Dad says he must of been very stupid.

                             I suppose he must of been. Who killed him?

                             A HittenRunner. I don’t know their name.

                             Did the HittenRunner kill him because he was a Predestrian?

                             I think so. Mum and dad both think HittenRunners are bad people.

                             How did he do it?

                             I think he must of shot him.

                             How do you know?

                             They say he was found lying in the road. People who die because they’re sick go to hospital first. And people who want to die of old age have to go to homes first. But people who get shot can get killed anywhere they like.

                             Was your Uncle Billy old?

                             A little bit. But not old-aged, just old. He could still walk.

                             So he wasn’t sick and he wasn’t old-aged and he was killed by a HittenRunner. Why?

                             Because he was a Predestrian.

                             Well, how did the HittenRunnerknow he was a Predestrian? Do they wear special clothes?

                             Uncle Billy used to wear a puffer jacket. Maybe that’s how the HittenRunner knew he was a Predestrian.

                             What’s a puffer jacket?

                             I think it’s something you wear if you smoke. Uncle Billy was always smoking and he’d even burned some special holes in his puffer jacket with his cigarettes. That was probably to show people he was a predestrian even when he didn’t have a cigarette.

                             Then it worked! That’ll be how the HittenRunner knew he was a Predestrian.

                             Maybe. But why would the HittenRunner want to kill him just because he was a Predestrian?

                             Wait a minute. I’ve got Our Nathan’s dictionary here. It’s a huge book. Our Nathan says it’s better than looking for words online.

                             Ok, what does it say?

                             It says a Predestrian-arian is a person who believes in Predestrination.

                             That’s not much help! What’s predestrination?

                             It says it’s God’s appointment of the elect to Salivation and Eternal Life.

                             Well, I don’t know about Salivation, but Eternal Life means you never die.

                             So Predestrians must be people who never die.

                             So who elects them?

                             What do you mean?

                            You said God appoints the elect to Eternal Life and Sanitation.

                             No, not sanitation. Salivation!

                             Whatever.

                             Well, HittenRunners are jealous of them because HittenRunners have to die…

                             So they try to kill them!

                             But they can’t, because Predestrians never die, so HittenRunners…

                             HittenRunners what?

                             It doesn’t matter. But it’s good news for Uncle Billy. Mum, Dad, Uncle Billy can’t be dead. Can I go to Road Safety Class?

¹ BBC News online, 9 February 2023, https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-64573254