The Telemarketer's Trial By Sarcasm

Ring, ring…

Jack: (cheerfully) Hello?

Kevin (Telemarketer): Good afternoon, sir. This is Kevin calling from National Utility Solutions. How are you doing today?

Jack: Oh, Kevin! What a pleasant surprise! I was just sitting here hoping someone from National Utility Solutions would call me. My day’s going great. And yours?

Kevin: (caught off guard) Uh, yes, that’s... great to hear. I’m doing well too, thank you for asking. So, the reason for my call today is that we’ve noticed you qualify for a government rebate on your electricity bill. Can I ask if you’re the homeowner?

Jack: Oh, am I the homeowner? Well, I’m technically the steward of this abode, if you catch my drift. You know, sort of like Gandalf with Bag End. Do you watch Lord of the Rings, Kevin?

Kevin: (pauses) Uh, sir, this is about electricity savings, not… movies.

Jack: (gasping) Electricity savings?! Don’t tell me you’re a wizard, Kevin. Are you about to cast some spell to lower my energy bills?

Kevin: (forcing a laugh) Not exactly, sir. What we do is analyze your energy usage and connect you with government programs to reduce your costs. Wouldn’t that be something you’re interested in?

Jack: Oh, I’m definitely interested. But before we proceed, Kevin, can I just verify one thing?

Kevin: Of course, sir. What is it?

Jack: Are you calling me on one of those rotary phones? You sound so authentic, like a real human. It’s just refreshing, you know?

Kevin: (confused) Sir, I’m using a modern phone system. I assure you, this is a legitimate call. Now, if I may—

Jack: Oh, modern phones! I thought so. I’ve got a rotary myself. It’s slow, but it’s reliable. You know, kind of like a tortoise. You a fan of tortoises, Kevin?

Kevin: (getting impatient) Sir, I’m afraid we’re getting a bit off-topic. Let’s focus on your energy savings. Could you confirm your average monthly electricity bill for me? Is it over $100?

Jack: Oh, it’s much more than $100! My electric bill is the stuff of legends. Sometimes it’s so high, the utility company sends me a thank-you card for keeping their lights on.

Kevin: (perking up) That’s excellent to hear, sir! The higher your bill, the more you could save. May I ask which provider you’re currently with?

Jack: Oh, my provider? Hmm. Well, technically, I get my electricity from Zeus. You know, thunderbolts, lightning, very very frightening—Galileo! Galileo!

Kevin: (trying to stay polite) Sir, I understand you’re joking, but it’s important I get accurate information. Is it Edison? National Grid?

Jack: Oh, it’s definitely not National Grid. Too predictable. I like to live on the edge. You ever heard of ElectraCorp? They’re very exclusive—invite-only.

Kevin: (puzzled) ElectraCorp? That doesn’t sound like a real provider. Are you sure?

Jack: Oh, absolutely. But you wouldn’t have heard of them unless you’ve got connections in underground energy circles. Super hush-hush. You know, like Fight Club. First rule of ElectraCorp…

Kevin: (cutting him off) Sir, this is serious. I need the correct information to assist you properly. If you could grab a copy of your bill—

Jack: Oh, sure! Let me just grab my time machine, because I haven’t seen a paper bill since 2007. I handle everything through smoke signals now. Eco-friendly, you understand.

Kevin: (deep sigh) Sir, without accurate details, I can’t help you. Perhaps this isn’t a good time to—

Jack: Oh no, Kevin! Don’t hang up! I was just warming up to you. You sound like someone who appreciates a good joke. Quick, tell me—what’s a scammer’s favorite type of music?

Kevin: (hesitant) I… don’t know?

Jack: Phish-ing! Get it? Phishing? Like those fake emails? Classic scam humor.

Kevin: (groaning internally) Sir, I’m not a scammer. I’m a professional trying to help you save money.

Jack: Oh, Kevin, relax. I know you’re not a scammer. You’re way too polite. Scammers usually have that edge, you know? Like “Give me your credit card number or else!” But you? You’re like, “May I please have your electricity bill?” Very disarming.

Kevin: (gritting his teeth) Thank you… I think.

Jack: You’re welcome! So tell me, Kevin, what’s it like working at National Utility Solutions? Big office? Free coffee?

Kevin: (dryly) We’re a remote company, sir. I work from home.

Jack: Oh, from home! Do you wear the headset? Like one of those call center headsets? Or is it just a phone?

Kevin: (flatly) It’s a headset, sir.

Jack: Oh, nice. Hands-free! Bet you could juggle while you work if you wanted to. Ever try it?

Kevin: No, sir. I haven’t. Can we please—

Jack: You should! Juggling is very therapeutic. I’ve been meaning to take it up myself, but the neighbor’s cat keeps stealing my practice balls. Say, Kevin, do you have a cat?

Kevin: Sir, this really isn’t relevant to your energy savings. If you’re not serious about discussing your bill, I’ll have to end the call.

Jack: Oh, Kevin, don’t be like that! I’m serious! I’m so serious, my middle name is… well, it’s actually Harold, but that’s beside the point. I want those savings! Lay them on me.

Kevin: (regaining composure) All right, sir. To proceed, I’ll just need a few more details. Can you confirm your address for me?

Jack: My address? Sure! Write this down: 123 Scam Avenue, Gullible City, State of Confusion, ZIP code 00000.

Kevin: (silent for a moment) Sir… are you mocking me?

Jack: Oh no, Kevin, never! I just figured I’d give you the address I use for all my royalty checks from Nigeria. You know, the ones where I’m secretly a prince?

Kevin: (snapping) Sir, I don’t have time for this!

Jack: (mock offended) Kevin! That hurts. I thought we had something special. You were going to save me money, and I was going to tell everyone about the heroic Kevin from National Utility Solutions who cut my bills in half.

Kevin: (exasperated) Look, sir, if you don’t want to participate seriously, I’m going to hang up now. Have a nice day.

Jack: No, wait! Kevin, don’t hang up! I promise, I’ll be serious now. Totally serious. No more jokes. Scout’s honor.

Kevin: (skeptical) Fine. One last chance. Are you ready to proceed?

Jack: Absolutely. Hit me with your best sales pitch. I’m all ears.

Kevin: Thank you. Now, as I mentioned earlier, we can connect you with a government rebate program that could lower your monthly electricity bill by 20-30%. All I need is your provider information and account number to get started.

Jack: Account number? Oh, sure. Let me grab it. (rustling sounds) Okay, ready?

Kevin: Ready.

Jack: It’s 867-5309.

Kevin: (pauses) Sir, that’s… a song.

Jack: What? No way. That’s my account number. You’re saying Tommy Tutone’s been stealing my electricity? This is outrageous!

Kevin: (losing patience) Sir, this is the last time I’m asking: Are you going to cooperate or not?

Jack: (sighs) All right, Kevin, you win. I’m not really interested in switching providers. But I must say, you’ve been a great sport. If I were grading telemarketers, you’d get an A-plus.

Kevin: (exasperated) Thank you, sir. I’ll make a note that you’re not interested. Have a good day.

Jack: Wait! Before you go—one last question.

Kevin: (gritting his teeth) What is it?

Jack: You ever think about getting into stand-up comedy? You’ve got the patience of a saint. That’s half the battle, you know.

Kevin: (hangs up)

Click.

Jack: (smiling to himself) Ah, another day, another telemarketer entertained. Wonder who’ll call tomorrow?