So much for Home

“Splashing. I remember splashing in the cold, wet water. Shivering but not giving a care in the world. Having fun. Those were the fun times. I wish I could revisit them. Well, maybe I can. -Karly.” I had always kept a diary of my thoughts, since my mother had died at least. I had always talked to her about everything, you name it. Boys, school, drama, everything I was feeling. But when she was gone, I felt lonely. Lonely was always the horrible feeling of the black pit inside of you, that overwhelms and eats you whole. It was horrible in short. And I had felt that way for most of my life, until now when I realised what it was doing to me. I am still lonely, not married, no pets, children, or even a life to write about in my worn out diary. I walked to work, stayed there for the rest of the day, got dinner from my least-favorite restaurant, Zuccinies, which has the worst possible food in our small, ratted out town. But then, my least favorite part of the day is when I am back home, and have to go to sleep. Sleep haunts me. All my memories of hate, sadness, loneliness, and even my despair of depression come back. That was every single day of my boring, horrendous life. But, today I felt dignity. I felt pride. I didn’t want to walk back into that stupid old gray and white office of mine and do paper work all day. I wanted to go somewhere peaceful, and fun. I only had one friend my entire life. Her name was Annie. She helped me after my mom died. We told each other secrets, had sleepovers every weekend, she would come over to “study” after school everyday, and most of all, she was my best friend. I missed her so dearly, since I never got to see her anymore. I was practically “encaged” in work. My boss was horrible, he never let us have breaks, but he always had to show off his own time and pleasure as leisurely as he wanted. I had to break free, I had to find me. I called Annie and told her to meet me at the only place we ever knew to hide from anyone when we were in our teens. I got in my car, and stepped on the pedal. I drove for about an hour, but it only felt like seconds. I felt like I was running out of time, out of luck, out of energy, out of life. I drove a bit faster and there I was. I had found it. A rush of happiness, belonging, and fun rushed back to me. And there she was. Standing on the beach, waiting for me. My beloved Annie, on the quiet, amicable shores of the Black Sea. My whole life was here, in the grey blue seas. Memories flooded back, such as the first time I had gotten into the water, the people I met, the time I almost drowned, all the volleyball games, the swim races, even the guy who tried to kidnap me that one day because he had “ice cream." But my most intense feeling, the feeling I hadn’t felt since my mother died, was the feeling of love. I had finally found it. A place where I could call myself at home, no matter what age. It was my forever pool of trust and happiness. As I ran towards Annie, feeling every step of the sand sink into the cold, yet warm ground, filled with millions of particles of life, I felt like I was running on a cloud towards heaven. With a big thump, we collided. I had finally reunited. As tears strolled down our cheeks, our feet nearly freezing off our numb bodies, the feeling of love and warmth felt like it had never gone away. I had never left. I was right here. “I can’t believe it’s you, after all these years.” I cried in a whisper. “I thought I would never see you again,” she said. After many tears of joy, sorrow, and reunite, we headed over to the shores of the Black Sea. More memories that had faded came back such as when my mother and I went to the Sea for the first time, running in the water butt naked, my mom comforting me after I got stung by my first jellyfish, and meeting Annie. I stepped in the water. I felt it all. I had found my sea of tears, and myself. I said to myself, “I found it. It’s me. It’s home. I’m Home.” “No, we’re home.” We walked along the shores, discussing our whole lives that we had missed together. Annie had a great life. She was married, had two children, Lucy and Linda, she had a dog named Gilbert and her whole life was precisely how I wanted mine to be. I felt a bit of jealousy start to fury up inside me, but I ignored it, in fear it could turn into something bad. We walked to the old seaside restaurant and when we went inside, I felt everything exactly how I wanted my remembrance to feel like. The restaurant still smelled fried fries and fish, a delicious tendency of milkshake craving also swelled up in me. I went up to the counter where the cook, Billy Joe, who we all used to love, stood. I hugged him and ordered a whole bag of curly fries and chocolate vanilla milkshake with strawberry ice cream at the top and one plump cherry. We sat down at our old table and I still felt the feeling of my first kiss. It was with Jack, the hometown jock boy, but still a sweet guy. My seat had the view of a lifetime, it was beautiful. My order had come and I finished it in only five minutes. I practically inhaled my fires, and slurped my milkshake. When only the cherry was left, I took my time and took small bites of it, as I always had. When we were done, We went off the dock, and we looked out to the sea. But then, I don’t know how, but Annie and I got in an argument, because Jack, the boy I had kissed, was now married to my best friend, and she had only mentioned it now. How horrified and betrayed I was, to know that the only person I could ever love anymore had backstabbed me. Before we knew it, we got in a fight, it settled pretty fast. By accident, I tried to stop it by pushing her against the edge of the dock railing, but then she lost her balance and toppled over. She fell off the dock. I couldn’t believe it! I looked over the edge and right there, floating in the water, face down, was my beloved Annie. I had just killed my best friend. I was a murderer. "No!" I screamed, "No, No this isn't possible, NO, NO, NOOO!" But then, out of nowhere, I woke up in a cold sweat. "No?" I was in my apartment in my ugly, uncomfy bed, with a horrible headache, dry tears in my eyes and on my cheeks. I had realized, this was all a dream, all a stupid dream. So much for finding myself. So much for finding home.