Dear whomever it may concern

Dear whomever it may concern,

The curtain of lies I have laid before you will now be drawn away. I’d like to say I’m doing this for you, but honestly I can’t keep putting others above myself. I’m doing this for me, and me alone. At some point, hilariously premature to my fascination with long letters and final words, I would’ve walked through fire before I allowed anyone to see my true emotions. The steps to this point are even a mystery to me. However, each word is a complex and planned part to my introduction and adieu.

To begin: I love you. Whoever you are, whatever you may have done, I have an unyielding love for you, and it has proven to be my weakness. When you cry, a hole opens in my chest. When you laugh, a satisfying weight calms my shoulders. The only downfall is the hole remains, even as your tears fade into your cheek. The satisfaction I feel slowly transforms into the fear that you'll never be happy again. Your emotion is my life giving fuel, and I don’t think I know how to live without you anymore. I need to. I want to be an individual who can rely on herself, on her own whims, desires, needs, wants, pleasures...but you’ve always come first. How could I ever be selfish enough let an ego shadow your needs? The indignity that consumes me everytime I so much as think about putting myself first numbs my every sense until I feel nothing but humiliation. Some may say I’m cursed. Others will say I’m sick; a poor girl with a deficiency of recognition. A part of me wants to stay just so I can take a glimpse at the verdict, but I must say goodbye to a life that holds so much pain. My days will no longer begin with me checking up on the world. My nights will no longer end with me feeling ashamed for not having circumstances as bad as my neighbor. If cutting myself off from you is a necessary measure to ensure I live again, please consider this our last tie.

My intent is not to hurt you, or blame you for the agony this existence has provided. It is not your fault this life has been toxic for me, nor is it your fault you’ve been blind to my pain. I built walls to keep the demons at bay, and trapped myself in with them. I suffocated myself. I banned myself from the rapture of life because I felt I didn’t - no, couldn’t deserve it. If I were given the chance to make my soul anew, I’d anoint myself with the joy of thousands, without hesitation or reservation, and give myself the smile of a woman who has never felt or seen fear. I’d resurrect a life in which I stopped letting an empty glass at the end of the day comfort me, and instead had friends, lovers, and family. I’d go on some senseless dates and some full of meaning. My actions would never be calculating, but spontaneous and full of instinctual ambition. I’d get out of bed because I wanted to welcome the day, not endure it. I’d hope you’d be there with me, watching me thrive alongside you. I’m tired of hiding my sagging shoulders from the public eye. So, very, tired of constantly repairing fractures throughout my horrifyingly life-like mask. It is not fair to force you to live alongside a fraud, a woman cheating herself through life. I have given out enough empty promises; it is time for me to be real for the first time in my god-forsaken life. One day, it is my wish that you will forgive me for swindling you into my web, although asking you almost seems trivial. I have never been one to react well to betrayal, and now I’m suiting the manners of a hypocrite. I’ve always known the higher powers to have a defiant sense of humor.

I’ve lived a fulfilling life, despite the turmoil. I’ve met many people throughout the years who, had my circumstances been different, I would’ve undoubtedly called my friends. It’s a miracle that I’ve made it this far, yet a tragedy I couldn’t have stretched my time a little bit longer. I have no regrets. I am satisfied with every moment you and I have and have not spent together. We won’t see each other again, but I know I will dream of you, and you will dream of me. You’ll imagine me as a spirit, untethered to this world and the next, floating without wings. I may be in a gown of white, or in a robe of the night sky. My face will show no pain, and your cheeks will be free of mourn. In my mind’s eye I’ll be watching you let me go as I find the new world that awaits me. Don’t worry, I promise I won’t be as far as you fear. While you’ll miss me, as I will you, I will not make you grieve me. I considered it, collecting pills and seeing the bottom of my last glass. In the end, though, my contempt towards my current (and soon previous) life came out victorious in my perpetual war. I am done waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel. I am going out in search of it. With me, I will bring the triumph of a thousand men and women, and the smile of a woman who has seen, felt, and overcome fear. I will unapologetically call those closest to me friends, and go on both senseless and meaningful adventures. I will not only master empathy, but self-love. When I leave to hunt down the life I never allowed myself to have, I will make myself anew. If you ever do lay your eyes upon me again, do not approach me as I am now, but meet me as I will be then.

So, to whomever it may concern, 

goodbye.