AREA 1805-1

CHAD: A woman in love with 80’s dancing and living life to the fullest. There is seemingly no stress in her life.

TIM: The smartest and shortest. Easily dispirited and annoyed. Guides his brothers and the most responsible.

ANTHONY: The middle child. Very curious. The problem solver and mediator of the group.

GREGORY: Likes to make sure everyone is on the same page. Puts others first. Great with tech but prefers nature.

ALIEN LORD: An Alien from across a couple galaxies. Smart. Thinks humans are lowly creatures. Wants to eat them.

ACT ONE

Scene One

Setting: Inside the once living room, now lab of Tim, Gregory, and Anthony. The name “180-51” sits above the door. They study Unidentified Flying Objects and are tasked with “Space Monitoring”. The lab is filled with tables of wacky looking equipment and there’s a large mother computer. The door is STAGE RIGHT and the window is STAGE LEFT. This can be moved based on set location.

(Lights come on. Three brother are seen in different spots in the lab. TIM is CENTER STAGE, hunched over some piece of radio technology. He’s fiddling with it, extremely focused, when suddenly he jumps up excited.)

TIM: Boys, BOYS! (GREGORY AND ANTHONY run over) The radio is giving me a signal back, we’re actually getting a response from the outer reaches of space!

[The boys wait in suspense, the radio churning out white noise frequency, until a voice comes out of it]

RADIO VOICE: ~BZZZT- Need fuel-BZZT- No where nearby- ZZZZZT- Have to land on Omega 1412-ZTTTGG- Hello?

[The RADIO churns out constant white noise. No voices.]

TIM: Hello? Can you hear us? Is anyone out there? Are you there?

[The RADIO lets out one more voice]

RADIO VOICE 2: ZZZZZZZZZ- HEY YO YO YO DANCE! DANCE! DANCE! ENERGY! MORE PASSION! MORE PASSION! MORE PASSION! MORE ENERGY! [Music continues playing through speaker]

GREGORY: Hey, isn’t that-

ANTHONY: CHAD’S voice?

TIM: [With disappointment] We must have intercepted her radio with our frequency amplifier. She must be in the middle of one of her dance sessions!

[TIM turns the radio off and huffs off to some other gadgets. Obviously disappointed from their failure, GREGORY and ANTHONY try to cheer him up]

GREGORY: Hey, it’s alright! We may not have gotten an answer back from space, but at least we know our radio works. If the scientist jig doesn’t work out, you can sell your radio amplifier to depraved creeps wanting to listen in on their neighbors!

ANTHONY: Yeah- well no, but-but we technically did get an answer back! It may have been from CHAD’S “Dance Dungeon” and you may have committed a huge invasion of privacy - but at least you could!

TIM: I know boys but… I had really hoped for an answer back from someone out of this world, not from someone obsessed with the Macharana.

GREGORY: I wouldn’t say CHAD isn’t from out of this world

TIM: [Cuts him off] We really need to get results for our superiors. If we don't want to get defunded, this radio or something in here needs to work!

ANTHONY: Well hey hey hey! No need to overwork yourself over it, let me and GREGORY have a go at it. [Pushes Tim from the radio] I’m sure we could figure out how to get this radio to blast channels from other planets.

TIM: Oh I’m not so sure about that-

GREGORY: Here let me see it. [Grabs the radio] Surely theres a sort of kick to it that will make it work. What about this nozzle here?

TIM: No wait that nozzle connects to other houses- [NOISE OF CHAOS FROM MULTIPLE HOUSES IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD]

ANTHONY: No no wait GREG, it’s gotta be this purple joystick on the side!

TIM: Thats a switch and it controls the volume amplification-

*NOISES INCREASE TO EXTREME LEVELS THEN DECREASE*

GREGORY: No try the blue button beside the orange doomabob-

ANTHONY: What about that yellow light up thingie on the bottom-

TIM: THAT is power switch- Guys GUYS-

GREGORY: WAIT! [All freeze in place] …What’s that red button on the top?

*They all look at the tempting red button on top. The large blinking red button. The very tempting large bright red blinking button. Meant to be visible to audience.*

TIM: DO NOT PRESS THAT BUTTON- 

[They all press the button and TIM grabs the box away. However it electrocutes him and STAGE LIGHTS start dimming and brightening. He is shaking from the shock, until the lights go “out”.]

GREGORY: WOW now that was electrifying.

ANTHONY: Truly shocking wasn’t it?

TIM: [Spoken calmly to hide his rage] I hope both of you are abducted by sentient species of electric eels.

[He tries to find the lights. GREGORY AND ANTHONY also try to help with cleaning up. A knock is heard from outside the front door.]

GREGORY: What was that?

TIM: Someone’s outside, who could it be at this hour?

ANTHONY: Here, let me. I’ll go check. [Looks outside] I can't tell, the outside light is off.

TIM: Well open the door then. Maybe it’s a neighbor.

[ANTHONY opens the door. However, he is flashed by incredibly bright lights coming from outside. As he stumbles back, a woman walks in dressed in ridiculous but colorful 80’s workout getup. It’s very shiny and looks like a space suit.)

ANTHONY: [Falls back] OH GOD MY EYES!

TIM: IT’S- IT’S AN ASTRONAUT? IT’S AN ALIEN! IT’S - IT’S-

GREGORY: I think it’s Chad?

[The lights come back on. Chad’s outfit no longer shines ridiculously bright, blinding the brothers. Chad stands in the doorway in her strange getup, her pose radiates confidence and indifference to other’s opinions.}

CHAD: Sup dudes?

TIM: Hey CHAD, what do you want? We are very busy with our investigation of very important and VERY CLASSIFIED assignments. [GREGORY and ANTHONY are waving happily to CHAD. TIM tries to shoo them.]

CHAD: [Unbothered by Tim’s pushiness] Yeah dudes, I was just in the middle of one of my expressive Dance Dance Revolution sessions when the lights started going all wack on me! I figured you guys could like, come and help me get them back on again since you guys are like, super scientist. And you guys are always building stuff, oh like the little lego dude from that one movie. He became such a cool master builder, and like all it took was him realizing his own self worth in his unending ever expanding universe in the face of adversity, and he like saved his friends at the end. Oh and there were those aliens that showed up at the end to eat them-

TIM: Ok CHAD we get it! [Collects himself] I don’t know what’s wrong with your lights, [Glares at ANTHONY AND GREGORY] but since ours came back on yours should come back on to. Go home CHAD.

CHAD: Aw for real? Awesome! I would stay longer but you know, I’m on the dance grind right now, cant stay and slay if I’m not totally tubing it out with the other Party Groovers you know?

ANTHONY: What other Party Groovers?

[A group of men and women dressed in athletic yoga and dance attire appear at the door. They are all exceedingly attractive and peppy, talking between each other cheerfully. One of them steps forward.]

DANCER 1: Hey CHAD, you figure out whats going on with the lights? It’s SOOO dark out there!

DANCER GROUPS: [Begin talking over eachother to figure out what is happening]

CHAD: WHOAH WHOAH, WHOAH, GUYS, there is NO need to panic! My bros here figured it out. [Building enthusiasm] We just gotta get these wiggles out and the lights will be back O-O-ON!

*The group of 80’s dancers cheer and party their way back to Chad’s house.*

CHAD: Thanks broskies, I’ma go back to my place now, I’ll catch you on the Groovy side of the universe. CHAD OUT!!

[She leaves. Tim shuts the door.]

TIM: That. Was a complete waste of time. While they were dancing away our patience we could have had our frequency amplifier fixed AND the lights on already.

ANTHONY: I like their company.

GREGORY: And I think they’re really good dancers.

*The lights flicker and completely come back on.*

TIM: Ah, the lights are back, wonderful! Now we can get back to our research!

[TIM readies his research and gets back to his table with papers and his Frequency Amplifier. ANTHONY and GREGORY also go back to messing with their tools. Suddenly, a loud knock comes from the outside of the front door.]

TIM: Now who is it? The lights are back on what’s the problem?

GREGORY: I’ll go see who’s there. [He opens the door] Oh, hey CHAD! What you doing back? Where’s your dance group?

[GREGORY turns away to reveal someone standing in the doorway with a very similar outfit to CHAD’s, but with a space helmet. THUNDER CLAP AND LIGHTNING STRIKE QUE.]

TIM: Where did that thunder come from?

ANTHONY: Hey what’s with the helmet? Does it go with your dance recital?

TIM: Gentlemen gentlemen! Please, I have very important research to be doing and SO do you two! CHAD, come in and tell us what it is you need from us now. Make it fast!

[The Individual takes slow strides into their lab. He looks side to side, as if analyzing the area for the first time.]

ANTH: So CHAD, about that helmet, where’d you get it? It looks really cool, with all those lights and wires and such. Did you make it yourself?

TIM: Bah Bah Bah! Questions later. CHAD, what’s up?

[CHAD says nothing. TIM walks over and taps on CHAD]

TIM: Hello? You there? Earth to CHAD? 

ANTHONY: Can she hear you? Is her helmet too thick?

GREGORY: Can she even see out of it? Maybe the lens is too dark.

TIM: Well if she can’t understand me, I’ll just have to take that helmet off her head.

[Tim grabs the helmet and tugs to no avail. THE INDIVIDUAL shakes his head and tries to stop him, but TIM keeps pulling and pulling while GREGORY and ANTHONY try to get him to be more gentle. TIM finally gets some leverage on the helmet and it yanks off. He pulls so hard he twist his body away from THE INDIVIDUAL, so that TIM is facing the boys.]

TIM: Whew! That was difficult. Maybe I need to work out my body more instead of spending all my time working over desk. Now boys, let’s listen to what CHAD had to say.

[The boys are stunned and looking at “CHAD” fearfully. They say nothing but remain frozen]

TIM: What? What are you guys looking at? Is there something on my face?

[The boys sputter out some words and point behind TIM.]

GREGORY: C-C-C-CHAD is… CHAD is…

ANTHONY: Well h-h-h-he’s gr-gr-g-guh-

TIM: He’s guh guh guh?

GREGORY: He’s an a-a-a-a-

TIM: Guys, what? Its just CHAD what are you trying to say-

[He places his hand on CHAD but accidentally slaps his green wrinkly weird textured face. TIM feels his face, realizing that it’s not CHAD’s face he’s grabbing.] 

TIM: Oh. Hm well this isn’t. Huh… That’s not CHAD is it?

[ANTHONY and GREGORY shake their heads.]

ALIEN LORD: GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME YOU FLESHY CLOD!

[All three boys jump back and grab onto each other as the alien approaches them.]

ANTHONY: Who are you?

ALIEN: Who I AM is NONE of your business! I was in the middle of a very important trip across several galaxies when I began running low on fuel. I was looking for somewhere to land with sufficient energy sources, when I received an interception on my communication channel coming from this planet.

TIM: [Jumps up and down] HOLY CRAP MY RADIO WORKED GUYS! [Pushed away by the ALIEN] Oh -ehm, sorry…

ALIEN LORD: I figured maybe this place could refuel me, but all I could find was a species of walking blood bags. Now I have almost no fuel, and to top off my predicament I’m starving! But, now that I examine the three of you closer, maybe one of those problems could be taken care of…

ANTHONY: What is he suggesting?

TIM: I really hope he doesn’t mean what I think he means.

GREGORY: …Oh! Guys I think he wants to eat us.

TIM: RUN GUYS!

*They all scatter and chaos ensues. They run around him and avoid getting caught by him. They run around tables, go under and around him, and overall drive him crazy. TIM is cornered, and grabs a spoon in self defense, holding it in between him and the alien like a staff. The ALIEN is immediately enraptured by this spoon and stares and it, frozen with delight.*

TIM: What happened?

GREG: He… He likes the spoon! But, why?

ANTH: Wait, remember his space suit? It was really shiny, and his helmet had that super dark lens on it. Maybe he likes shiny things, so much that they’re his weakness!

TIM: Well let’s get him out of here then! Grab the nearest spoon!

ALIEN: [The ALIEN shakes himself aware] You fools! Did you really think a spoon was going to keep me distracted the whole time! You must really be the Universe’s biggest IDIOTS!

ANTHONY: What are we gonna do! He’s going to eat us!

TIM: We need something really shiny, something that will brainwash him with its sparkle! Something so bright it nearly blinds you permanently for life!

GREGORY: Wait a minute, THAT’S IT! I know who to call!

ANTHONY: [GASP] Are you talking about-

TIM: Thats genius!

ALIEN LORD: What are you three babbling about? Don’t make yourselves less appetizing for me by being annoying pest!

TIM: Hah, we’re about to be as tasty as week old Earth take-out, because we’ve got the Universe’s biggest idiot at our disposal!

Alien: Who’s that?

ALL THREE BROTHERS: CHAD!

[The door slams open and once again that BLINDING light shines through, revealing CHAD standing prominently in the doorway, bizarre outfit gleaming.]

ALIEN LORD: [Covers his face] OH MOTHER UNIVERSE MY VISION RECEPTACLES!

CHAD: Sup dudes?

ALIEN: It’s, It’s so shiny! So, glameroussssssssseee-

[The alien struggles towards CHAD, who moves to the side as THE ALIEN falls face first out the doorway. CHAD watches him fall.]

CHAD: Wow, guess he partied too hard.

*The three brothers surround him and cheer him on.*

TIM: I cant believe these words are about to come out of my mouth, but, you actually saved us CHAD!

ANTHONY: That was awesome Chad! I can't believe you were able to pull that off!

GREGORY: How did you show up so fast? It was like you appeared right as we called your name!

CHAD: Aw yeah dudes, so like, I finished my dance recital with my group yo, and I was like, “That was so awesome bro!” So I wanted to celebrate, with more dancing! And I was like, “Well I can't dance alone, that’s WAY too low energy for me. So I came over to invite you for a night of [Emphasizes each word with some movement] DANCE DANCE REVOLUTION, HOTTEST PARTY THREE -dancing!

TIM: *With distaste* Absolutely-

GREGORY AND ANTHONY: YEAH!

TIM: Well… now that we don’t have to worry about getting evidence of outer life forms for our program anymore, I guess we could take the rest of the night off boys. Get ready to get funding for the rest of our life! Let’s dance!

[They all celebrate and head out the door. The alien groans and reaches up with the last of his energy, then collapses again, pumped out for the night.]

[THE END. FOR NOW…]