The Heart is an Imperfect Creature

The worst place to find out that your wife is having an extra-marital affair is in a hospital waiting room—while she is dying inside. David wished Shelly had deleted those voice messages on her phone. Despite being married for twelve years, he knew there were parts of her that were always elusive, that he could never read. But he had never imagined that she could have an affair behind his back. How little we know the people we think we know.

“She has serious brain injuries. At this point, we cannot say if she is going to pull through,” the doctor’s words rang in his ears. Shelly’s car was in a head-on collision with a truck that was coming from the opposite direction on the I-90 highway. When he saw the police photos of their crushed car, David was amazed that Shelly had even made it through.

A fire was burning inside that he could do nothing to douse—whether it was pain or anxiety or anger, he could not understand. He hadn’t eaten or had a sip of water in the last eight hours since he rushed to the hospital after the call from the police. “I need to pull myself together,” David thought. “I can’t have her dying on me. I will deal with everything else later.” She was the mother of his only child, the person who held his home together. Who would he be without her?

“Bring your mind back to the present. Focus on the here and now,” the words of his meditation teacher floated back to him. The here and now.

David looked around at the waiting room. The clock in the ice-blue wall showed 3AM. The air-conditioning was too cold. There was a picture of a brownstone house and a much-too colorful garden, now fading, on the wall. And the smell of disinfectant percolated every pore of his body, much like the heaviness in the waiting room. A bald man in his early fifties was sleeping in a corner chair, his head resting against the wall. He was holding a Time Magazine that threatened to fall off his hand any moment now.

David walked up to the coffee machine. He could go down to the 24-hour Starbucks near the hospital lobby, but he just didn’t feel like leaving. What if the doctor wanted to see him?

 He waited behind the man getting coffee from the machine at the waiting room. The man had a book in his hand, and was fumbling to hold his coffee with the other and spilled some on his expensive watch. David instinctively held out his hand to catch hold the book, while the man steadied the coffee in his hand. They exchanged a bit of small talk, but David wasn’t in the mood for an extended conversation. So he poured himself the coffee and went back to where he was sitting.

No matter how hard he tried to not think about it, he just couldn’t get his mind off the voice messages. Of Shelly’s sweet voice saying “Love you.” To another man. When was the last time they had said “I love you” to one another?  David couldn’t remember. And then slowly, he felt guilt creeping in, like a python coiling and tightening itself around his heart.

In the past few years, their marriage was coasting alone. He wanted that Directorship in his company and that mansion overlooking Lake Tahoe. Shelly did complain many times— “All I do is wait for you,” “You are always distracted,” “You have no time for me,” were some that echoed in his heart now. He thought he would make up for the lost time once he made the position of Director. But he never even realized he was losing her.

Suddenly, he saw the doctor coming out of the ICU. It was 5 AM. The doctor quickened his pace as he approached David. He said, “Mr. Williams, we have to take your wife to the operation theater for surgery immediately. Her condition is deteriorating.” David felt numbness. “Please Shelly, don’t do this,” he found himself pleading inside his head. The doctor said, “Please go to the reception, you will have to sign some forms.” Even at that late hour, David could see a flurry of activity, as they wheeled her out of the ICU through a back door towards the Operation Theater.

So far, David had kept himself together. But now, he knew he was breaking. He texted Pam, Shelly’s sister.

 “Where are you?”

Pam replied instantly, “All ok?”

“They are taking her to surgery. Can’t say yet. How far away?”

“Still around three hours. Rob is driving as fast as possible.”

“No, no, its ok. Drive safe.”

“How’s Maya?”

“At our neighbor’s. She’s sleeping. See you soon. TC.”

He hadn’t had a chance to think about Maya in the past eight hours. Maya, all of six years old, with her dimpled smile and  her curly hair. Maya-the love of his life. So strange that he didn’t think of Shelly as the love of his life anymore. Is that why Shelly said sometimes, “You don’t love me like you did before.” He did feel as though they had become more distant after Maya came into their lives.

David knew that it’s not as if he cared for Shelly less. But there were only that many hours in a day. During weekdays, he could barely make any family time. And on weekends, he tried to spend time with Maya and catch up with errands. For six years, barring two vacations, he had barely spent any time really connecting with Shelly. But wasn’t taking care of the home also a way of caring? Or was that not enough? Oh, if he got another chance, he would fix things…if…

It was past seven in the morning. The operation was still on. The bald man had left and the man with the expensive watch was sitting in one corner, still like a statue. David looked towards the door and saw Rob, Pam’s husband, half-running-half-walking towards the waiting room, David stood up to walk towards the door. His legs felt so heavy.  

Rob gave him a hug and said, “I am sorry….Pam said she can’t stand hospital waiting rooms. She is waiting at the Starbucks downstairs.” He looked at David’s tired face and said, “You look like you could use some breakfast. We don’t even know how long the surgery is going to take. Why don’t you go and grab some breakfast with Pam while I wait here? ” David didn’t feel like eating, but he didn’t have the strength to resist either.

When Pam saw David, she rushed towards him and gave him a tight hug. He felt sobs escape from her. Pam and Shelly were so close, talking to each other multiple times a day. They knew what clothes each bought,  what they were each cooking for lunch and dinner—David was a single child and never knew what it must be like to bond with a sibling. But over the years, he had become close to Pam as well. She was calm and empathetic, and was a fair sounding board whenever he and Shelly had troubles in their marriage.

After David got his coffee, he couldn’t hold himself back any longer. He asked, “Pam, did you know that Shelly was having an affair?” Pam looked up at him, stunned.  

Pam sighed. Then she said, “She wanted to tell you. She felt guilty about it.” That made David even more angry. He didn’t need Shelly patronizing him after she was lying to him the whole time.

He looked at Pam’s eyes and asked, “Pam, Is Maya my child?” Finally, he voiced it. The thought that was choking him since yesterday. The fear he was unable to articulate even to himself. People always said, “Maya doesn’t look like either of you.” It was something he laughed off before; but now that statement seemed to take on ominous proportions and was sitting like a rock on his chest.

“What! God, yes!” Pam said.

“I just need to know the truth, Pam. Can you say for sure?”

“No one can say for sure. Can I say for sure that you haven’t fathered any other children? This is crazy talk, David.”

“I love her, Pam. But there are parts of her that are hidden from me.”

“Everyone has hidden parts, don’t they?”

“I don’t think I have hidden anything from her. Why are you being evasive?”

Pam raised her eyebrows and said, “Are you sure? What about the sales rep in Texas you were sending flirtatious texts to?”

David flinched. He had no clue Shelly knew about his texts to Rosa, whom he had met at a sales conference in Texas. Shelly never mentioned anything to him. But it was only one time. They texted for a while after, but it just fizzled out. Was that the reason Shelly pulled away, became distant from him?

He didn't have an answer for Pam.He asked her, “Does he know about Shelly’s accident? Did you tell him?”

Pam nodded, looking a bit guilty.

“Did they love each other? Did he love Shelly?” Did Shelly love him?” David felt like he was losing a grip on himself.

Pam said firmly, “It is not my place to say all this to you. Shelly loved you deeply. Just as you loved her.” Then she touched his arm gently and said, “Let it go, David. Now is not the time…”

David couldn’t finish his coffee. He said to Pam, “I need to go back.” Just as he was entering the waiting room, he saw the doctor coming in through another door. He walked up to David and said, “I am really sorry, Mr. Williams. We could not save your wife.”

The waiting room was swimming before David’s eyes. The clock on the wall became blurry – 7:47 AM. The bald man was looking at David with sympathy in his eyes—was this how the whole world would look at him now? The man in the expensive watch was stumbling out of the door. The sanitation lady continued to mop the floor. His whole world had just collapsed, but life seemed to go on just the same.

When David saw Shelly on that bed, stiller than sleep, his knees buckled and his body fell forward toward the floor. He let himself land hard and allowed himself one silent scream at that moment. Once he rose, he did not cry again. He sat next to Shelly and ran a hand over her soft curly hair. The calmness in her face reminded him of how radiant and peaceful she looked on the day of her wedding, as she walked down the aisle. But despite his love for her, his heart did not allow him to forgive her. He took one last look at her and left.

Back at the waiting room, he was relieved that he was alone. Pam was crying uncontrollably, so Rob had taken her home. They would come back together with Maya after sometime.

 David felt an uncontrollable urge to hear Shelly’s voice. Just once. Should he listen to the voice notes she sent to her lover, again? Shelly never sent him voice notes because he had asked her not to. He found texting easier. He took out Shelly’s phone and switched on the voice note he had listened to earlier. He took in a sharp breath when he heard the voice.

Shelly said, “Hey Hon, Happy Birthday again. You like fancy watches, so I have mailed this book out to you that’s apparently a rage among watch lovers. Hope you enjoy it. Anyway, speak soon. Love you.”

David’s mind suddenly whirled back to the night before—the coffee spilling on that man’s expensive watch, the book which David held in his hand for a moment. He now recalled the name of the book, “A Man & His Watch.”

 And the conversation. The man had thanked him for holding the book, while he steadied his cup of coffee.

David had introduced himself. “Hi, I am David.” They shook hands.  

“Hey, I am Brian.” Brian. The red, puffy eyes. Probably crying.

“My wife is here. Accident.” A strange look in Brian’s eyes. David didn’t understand it last night. Was it a flicker of recognition?

Then Brian said, “Sorry, man. Really sorry.”

David said, “Thanks….Are you waiting for a relative too?”

Hesitation. Then Brian said, “Just someone I love.” Brian then walked away, with a coffee in one hand and book in another, and took a seat quietly in the far corner of the waiting room.