It'll be okay

It was an hour after midnight. It had only been three hours since she had lost her best friend. But it felt like eternity, it felt as though the world had decided to take a pause, making sure she'd feel every ounce of pain, and making sure she'd remember it for a very long time.

Life is beautiful but sometimes unforgiving.

Beautiful.

"The lungs are beautiful and she did great"

Then...

"S-She had a stroke. I'm so sorry..."

Unforgiving.

It was one word to describe CF. It was unforgiving and it can take away a lot from someone. But Ella knew, of course she knew. She knew that Cali was terminal, she had been born with it, she had lived all of her life with CF, and she had to put up with every single struggle that her condition had placed upon her. Yet she persevered through it, and it was one of the reasons why Ella admired Cali so much. She didn't see CF as some kind of end route that you can never escape from, instead she saw it as some kind of journey for her to take.

"It's a little different from your journey, a lot of bumps up ahead. But it's nice along the way" Cali had said during their weekly sleepovers

They had been friends for so long. They started out as neighbors, two girl living across each other, one girl grew curious as to why the other girl was sometimes not at home. And when curiosity got the best of her, a friendship started to grow.

Cali always said it was bound to happen. Like how the sun will always rise in the morning and how thunderstorms will always come your way, or like how pain will always be felt, and how hearts are always meant to be broken (but healed eventually). Cali saw life as how one dying person would; inevitable. She always did tell Ella of how life is so predictable sometimes, like how she knows she's going to die.

"Don't say that!" Elle frowned at her best friend

Cali laughed "It's bound to happen, El!" She grinned at the frowning girl

"You're gonna live, Cal" Ella said firmly

Cali sighed and grabbed hold of the girl's hand.

"You're my best friend, El. You should know this...it will happen one day. My lungs will give out, and it's not in my control" Cali said softly

"Then do the lung transplant!" Ella exclaimed

Cali sighed. "I don't want to...yet. I'm only 14 anyway, and my lungs are still functioning well. And even if I do get the transplant, it won't make me live for eternity. I'm given 5 years max" 

"You'll live" Ella said with finality

Cali simply sighed.

"Life is like a race, you know? You get to choose the pace you take. You can go fast or go slow, you can start sprinting or you can even crawl. You can continue to run or take a pitstop. But the finish line is not the goal of life"

Ella frowned "What's the point of racing then?" She asked as she fiddled with her best friend's fingers

"The journey of course. I mean, you already know how every race ends anyway. But! You don't know how it starts and what's gonna happen along the way" Cali smiled 

"Doesn't it irk you how you don't know what's gonna happen in between the race?" Ella asked

"Ella...the in between moments are the best moments! It's like that soft transition right before the sun sets and the night settles in. Or those transitions in videos from one scene to the other. In between moments are often ignored by a lot of people, you know? They don't see the beauty of it, they either just wanna look at the sun set and then the night sky. They don't even notice the beautiful pastel pink sky slowly turn purple and burst out even more vibrant pastel colors mix in together to become this one beautiful masterpiece." She breathed, a bright smile plaster on her face

"In between..." Ella muttered, still a bit unsure

"Yep! Like the race. People are so happy to see you at the start of the line and are so anxious and just wanna get the race over with so they can see you cross the finish line. They don't even wanna look at the struggle, or the strength, or the beautiful journey" Cali sighed happily, the sound of the oxygen tank pumping air into the nasal cannula resonating against the room

"In life...the beginning is birth, the end is death, but everything in between is what matters the most, because it's a mystery, and it's up to you on how you want to unfold this mystery" Cali grinned at her

"I guess so" Ella smiled

"It's bound to happen, El. And I want you to know that, because I've known that since I was a kid. I've made death an ally now, he is a part of me and I cannot simply rip myself away from him. But aside all that, I have this life, and in this life I wanna live proudly with you, and I want you to do the same. I want you to understand"

It was bound to happen. Ella should know this. They've been talking about it for years, almost 14 years at least. Cali had briefed her on the steps of grieving, explaining to her the emotions she might feel once the inevitable happens, suggesting some ways to cope with the loss and everything. For some time, Ella almost believed she was ready for the day to come. But no matter how much you prepare yourself for something, you can never prepare for it when it's laid right in front of you. It's just like taking a test, studying so hard the night before only to be stunned the next day once you scan your eyes over the questions you don't know the answers to. Death is more intense though, because death is permanent, irreversible...final.

"I'm sorry" Ella cried out softly as she sank to her knees against the floorboard of her best friend's bedroom

Cali lived a great life. This, Ella knew. The girl was always so carefree and brave, she wanted so much to live a life that she would be proud of. So she went on to do exactly that. She went on strikes for climate change, she created paintings and sold them to fund the local animal shelter that was going to close down, she made videos all about cystic fibrosis and uploaded them on different social media platforms to be able to inspire young ones who were going through the same thing and/or help out parents who just found out about their child having it and had no idea what to do, and then she went on to join flash mobs and singing at the train station. She wasn't living her life to make a change. Change is constant anyway. She was living her life so she can look back and be proud of what she did. She wasn't living life for others, but she was living life for herself.

But as Ella broke down against her best friend's door, she wanted to do something a little different from her best friend, because she knew she wanted to live for her best friend. To live for all the years she could have had, for all the days she would have lived, and for all the seasons she should have gone through. Ella wanted nothing more but to live for Cali.

"Ella, honey" a soft voice called our for her

She felt arms wrap around her, the scent of vanilla and chocolate filling her senses, and it made Ella cry harder. Cali was gone but her Mom smelled like her, from the overly strong vanilla extract that Cali had been drowning herself in during her adventures in the baking section of the kitchen, then the chocolate scent, her Mom smelled like Cali's favorite chocolate, the ones she would always ask for her birthday, even though she always had them in her fridge both at the hospital and at home. It wasn't the first time Ella had a whiff of that scent, but it takes her back to a lot of firsts. It broke Ella's heart of how it felt like Cali was still here, as if she was the one hugging Ella, telling her to calm down and to let her know that it was okay, that this was the first stage of grieving. And now it felt like she was suddenly transported back to a time where everything seemed alright. A time where Cali was still alive, where past tenses were not used, a time where Ella would still get to see that smile, that God beautiful smile Cali always had on her face.

"Ella..."

Ella pulled back and looked into brown orbs that resembled Cali's, and it only made her want to cry more. 

"It'll be okay" Cali's Mom whispered so softly that Ella almost couldn't hear her because of how hard she was still sobbing, her grip on the older woman's arm growing stronger.

"It'll be okay" she repeated

And all Ella could do was nod.

"It'll be okay" Cali said as she hugged her best friend so tightly, Ella hurried her face on the crook of the taller one's neck, she smelled like vanilla and chocolate which made Ella smile

"Promise you'll come out okay?" Ella asked, her voice muffled against the fabric of Cali's shirt

"I don't know, El. But I will try, okay? And if I will, then...we can have five more years together." Cali pulled away and cupped her best friend's cheek, wiping away the tear that had fallen

"But if I don't...then go live five more years me, and once you finish those five years, do another five...and then another five...and another" Cali continued on as she pulled her best friend back into a hug, still muttering the words to her.

"Don't stop yourself from living life. You don't have to know you're dying to start living, remember? And nothing is stopping you, so if I don't make it, then please go on. You are healthy, you are capable, and I know you can do it. Don't let your fear and your excuses hinder you from your dreams. Go write that book you always wanted to, go pursue Art when you get to college, and go be the best version of yourself. You're literally my other half, El, and you'll be living for half of me"

Ella shut her eyes and nodded.

"I love you." Ella whispered

"I love you too. Thank you for the little infinity" Cali smiled and placed a gentle kiss on her best friend's cheek.

"See you when I see you" Cali smiled

"You will" Ella smiled back

"It'll be okay" Cali assured her

Ella nodded.

"It'll be okay"