Knowing and Understanding

They weren’t as close as they had been. For all intents and purposes, he should have just been a distant memory like a warm hug from a loved one. Their friendships started quickly, grew quickly, and developed deep roots that made it meaningful and hard to get rid of. He was the sort of friend that you tell your darkest secret but never go to a party with. Superficial conversations bored them. They talked about everything and nothing all at once. The friends that you spend days with but can’t answer simple questions about, because the every day is vanity and this friendship provides an island of zeal to the grey of the day today.

Then, one day, the drifting started. He was consumed, she could tell by a wave of depression. He would surf the wave only to be pulled back in. She demanded to help, to listen to his problems, but he refused to burden her with his load knowing she had storms of her own to face. It hurt to lose him though he said he wasn’t lost. She felt the shift and the loss was bitter to accept as conversations that used to be vivacious and unpredictable started to conform to the standard expected pleasantries exchanged between adults. The words we say to each other that give no real information and the replies that go unheard because they in the light of day are vapid meant only to fill time. 

Then he became a more part of her mind than her life and began to appear in her dreams. Dreams are funny things they connect us not only to our deepest thoughts but also to the world around us that we are too busy to acknowledge. Her dreams were never vivid unless there was a message to be found. So, when he began to appear in her dreams, she became concerned. He was far away, he was sad, and he was alone, this was a thought she couldn’t bear.  Yet it may simply be a projection of the dejection she felt from the loss of a distraction. Are dreams interpretations of reality or simply a result of something known without words. People are connected by feelings and mysterious forces. She couldn’t decide which sort of dream this was. A dream for her or a dream for him?

Thoughts of him consume her day. It isn’t your problem she told herself. He doesn’t want you after all a girl can only be rejected so many times before she recognizes she isn’t wanted. His kindness made him unforgettable though her rage urged her to forget. This was the boy who felt so deeply he had to protect and be there for his loved ones. He was the boy that spoke directly to your soul saying the things you need and the things to sooth your troubled mind. His advice was direct but didn’t come with the acuminous judgement that so often follows advice to someone whose shallow nature has overwhelmed their worthier character traits. His eyes were lonely and longing his self-deprecating humor made him lovable and humble.  He also never seemed to be angry, she thought this strange as she was a torrent of emotions changing at any given moment. She couldn’t understand the calm nature and serenity he presented. A defense mechanism perhaps?  You can’t be too much trouble if you offer no resistance and accept everything without question. She wondered how long that could last, how long before he exploded or did something regrettable. She watched and waited thinking over days and nights. Dare she say anything? Would he slam the door with a simple fine or good? Those words that you tell strangers who really didn’t want an answer.

The thoughts got darker from there. He had experienced truly terrible events.  Was that the reason for the changes now? There is guilt building on her part wondering how she caused this, and no matter what is said she hits a wall when she talks to him. She can literally feel the painful jarring of running straight into a glass door when she talks to him. So, she gives in and lets him drift. She should look out for herself. She tried to let go, but he haunted her thoughts. Who would look out for him? Who would tell him how great he truly was? This world is great at beating you down but doesn’t truly strive to pick you up. He needed the boost more than most his ego was almost non-existent.

She decided to wander as she contemplated these thoughts. She let her feet lead without deciding on a destination. This was often her process when she was upset. She wound up outside his house. She debated for a minute as what she was about to do was slightly insane. Before she could talk herself out of it she rushed across the lawn and climbed the rough wooden fence. There was a gate, but it was farther away, and she didn’t want to allow herself the time to rethink the decision. He was gone, but she would be damned if she let him stay gone.

She found his bedroom window the only one with a light on at this time of night. She knew it was his only because the room shared his laid-back nature. It wasn’t overly clean and music posters covered the walls she recognized most of the bands as ones they had discussed. Then she spotted him. He was on his bed holding a teal electric guitar, strumming softly. He wasn’t truly paying attention as he stared off into the distance. His lonely eyes conveyed loss and uncertainty. As she watched her heart broke a little more just like it always did when he was sad. Why couldn’t he just call? Why couldn’t he just ask? Why was he so determined to face everything all alone?

She took a deep breath.  “Just say it,” she silently reminded herself. She knew she’d regret it if she didn’t. She couldn’t walk away she wouldn’t. He deserved her best effort, because no one else was giving him the love and support he needed. She rapped on the glass leaning over the marigolds planted along the side of the house. He snapped to attention eyes roaming around before landing on the window. His eyes were startled as they met hers. Without saying a word, they both felt relief. He set the guitar down as if it were a newborn child and quickly crossed the room. The window opened silently and without letting him greet her or inquire about her reason for the intrusion she blurts, “I miss you! We need to talk.” His melancholy eyes spark to life in surprise and melt into a warm smile.