Five-star plan

Oh man, it’s 7:30 a.m, I’m unemployed and it’s December 25th, for god sakes, who could that be?! Still in the dark, I reach for my phone. Screen light burns my eyes and I see “Boss” in the middle of it. Shit, what does he need! He fired me a week ago, giving me a short notice as a Christmas present. Did that jerk change his mind? Let’s see what this is about.

-Hello, - I let out a dry moan.

-Hey, I hope you still remember me, - the idiot tried to make a joke, -I know you are not a part of the team anymore but I have something interesting for you to see.

What a long sentence it is for 7:30 in the morning.

-Can you get to the point? - I asked.

-There is a one-star review that your client left on our website yesterday. Go take a look, I think you’ll find out interesting stuff about yourself and maybe make some conclusions for the future if the future is something you care about. We laughed at it with the whole office, so go read it until I delete it.

-Do whatever you want, man, I couldn't care less, - I feel fantastic to finally be able to tell him such stuff.

-Ok, I say no more. I just thought it could be a funny farewell. Take care, - he hung up.

I closed my eyes once again and stretched in my bed. What kind of review should it be to have an urge to call me so early? And why was it so funny? Was it a bad funny or a good funny? On Christmas Eve I had only one client. The last one they asked me to manage, the pretty girl. I went to the kitchen and made coffee. What could she write? 

Now I’m torn apart between the curiosity to read it and keeping my promise not to give a damn about what my boss asked me to do. He is not gonna find out if I read it or not, so maybe I can give it a look and still keep my dignity. So what the hell, let’s read it.

“Today, December 24th, I got a strange encounter with one of your staff, Agent Santa #367, at least, that was written on his sweater. Sweater. The first thing I noticed when I opened the door was the complete absence of proper outfit. Yes, the sweater was red but I don’t remember Santas wearing jeans and sneakers. The second inappropriate thing was his greeting: usual “ho ho ho”, as he heard my steps behind the door, but when he saw me, he added “oh wow” which is not in Santa’s protocol! Facing all this compromising stuff, I decided just to take my present and put an end to this strange meeting, but it wasn’t so easy. I had to listen to a bunch of cheesy and ambiguous jokes about sitting on Santa’s lap. At this point I insisted and he finally gave me my pack. So, I would like to report Agent Santa #367, who, in my opinion, was just a delivery guy taking advantage of the holiday spirit in order to exercise his art of getting on peoples’ nerves. In conclusion, I sincerely hope that my experience was an exception and your other clients were luckier and received decent Santa service. Merry Christmas, guys, and keep an eye on that #367!”

Oh, come on! I got fired around Christmas, I spent Christmas Eve alone and now I have this! 

I get dressed and go to the garage to bring my Deer. At this point I wouldn’t be surprised if he was dead. Misfortunes kick me one after another.

-Hey, buddy, you have to help me to prove the young lady wrong, - I said to my Deer who was legitimately sleepy, - I can accept anything, even someone without a sense of humor who finds my jokes dirty, but not an identity fraud accusation! I am Santa to my very core and we will object to this review. Plus the girl is kinda pretty.. - the deer snorted, - ok, bud, I got it, we are keeping it professional.

Knock-knock. Nobody’s answering the door. Dammit, she must have gone skiing, sure, it’s holidays, I’m so stupid. I’ve made this way and no one is home. My Deer will kill me. I look back at where I parked him. Knock-Kno…

-Hi, - I said as she opened the door. She smashed me with her criticism but I still find her pretty, I’m an idiot.

-What are you doing here?

-I’m the one who brought you a Christmas present yesterday and this morning I came across your review.

-What do you want?

-Hey, can you stop pulling the door, I barely see you and relax for god sakes, I just wanted to explain myself..

-You had time to explain yourself yesterday.

-Why did you change your attitude? Yesterday you smiled and even let me in. I agree I might have made a few inappropriate jokes for your taste but I never crossed the line.

-First, I have an excellent taste for humor, then, Santa is not a clown. But even for a clown you’re too apathetic and your jokes are not funny.

-Maybe I was a little “off” that day but I’m a real Santa, for crying out loud, and you called me a delivery guy!

-You’re not Santa! - she tried to close the door, but I held it.

-Listen, a week ago I was a full-time Santa, but they fired me because of drones and confiscated my outfit, leaving me with this stupid Agent Santa #367 tag! 

-What drones? - she narrowed her eyes on me.

-Now they have drones that deliver presents straight to your door. Not even throw them into the chimney, they just neatly put them on your doormat. Stupid technology made me unemployed, - I flipped out.

She gave it a thought, then said:

-Whatever it is, it does not excuse your behavior. Real Santas know to be ones even without their outfits and you didn’t seem like you knew, - she tried to shut the door again.

-Wait, please! I’ll prove to you that I’m Santa! - I can’t leave so quickly. - You know that stupid 5-year-old kid who lives across the road from you? Last Christmas I brought him a mini version of Monster Truck. You should have seen him riding it! Have you?

-Oh yeah, I hear him riding on this piece of crap back and forth every morning! I can’t sleep! But now I know who’s ass I should kick for my sleepless year!

-At least I proved that I'm Santa.. - I made a weak laugh.

-So, what do I have to do, - she said after mulling something over, - do you want me to delete my review?

-No, my ex boss will do it for you. He keeps only positive feedbacks, obviously.

-So why are you here?

-I was just.. - I hesitated.

The weather is disgusting and my Deer is cranky because he’s hungry, but here I am, a guy with no money, no job, no future, trying to prove to a stranger that I am a five-star Santa. What the hell am I doing? All this is nonsense and I’m ridiculous.

-Sorry, - I said, - forget about it, I just read your review and followed the impulse, so I better go now, otherwise my Deer will freeze his ba..nevermind.

-You have a deer?

-Yeah. Ah, maybe it could have been a better proof.

-Can I see it? - that was unexpected from her.

-You can. I parked him close to your mailbox.

She put the shoes on and we reached the Deer.

-He is so beautiful, - she was totally mesmerized by my bud, - what’s his name?

-Delivery Deer #367, - I laughed and she gave me a strict look, - kidding, I just call him bud.

-It’s cold today, - she hesitated a bit, still patting the Deer, - do you want coffee or something?

-Why not? Coffee with a girl who roasted me, sounds like fun.

At this moment she gave me a mischievous look with the most tricky smile and rushed back to the house. What the heck..wait, did she write that review on purpose, to lure me here..what if it was her plan.. 

I ran after her and yelled:

-Hey, you are not saying that it was all for..to get me..to make me..

But she just smiled over her shoulder and winked at me.