Jesus Leaves the Nest

“I don’t know yet, Dad. Do I have to decide right now?”

“Well gee son, I don’t know. Do you want to get into a good, Christian college?”

“Dad, --”

“St. Paul University is hard to get into, they have a long wait

list—"

“Dad, --”

“Our Lady of Love Bible college is having a student tour next

weekend—”

“Dad, --”

“Junior year is when you should start taking this seriously, son, I

mean this is your future after all—”

“DAD! I don’t even know if I want to go to a Christian college.”

“What? Of course you do, you’ve wanted to ever since you were

10, remember?!.”

“No, YOU want that. YOU’RE the one who always talks about it.

I don’t know what I want to do yet. And yeah, junior year is for

figuring that stuff out, so let ME figure it out.”

“Well hold on now, where is all of this coming from?”

“I’ve always felt this way. You just never bothered to ask.”

Dan couldn’t believe his ears. Since when does Jacob not want

to go to a nice, clean, Christian college? Jacob has been going to

church with his family ever since he was still in the womb! He’s

attended Sunday School and Bible Study every Sunday,

Vacation Bible School and Camp Jesuit every summer. He’s

participated in the Christmas play ever since he was an infant

(he got to play Baby Jesus for his first performance). The plan

was always for him to go to a Christian college and become a

Youth Leader for the church. It’s been Jacobs’ dream job

practically forever, or so Dan thought.

“I think maybe you’re having some funny thoughts about this. I

know you’re young and sometimes when you’re young you

think you want one thing when you really want--"

“Dad, please don’t stand here and lecture me on what I want.

Just…leave me alone.”

“Alright, well…I’m uh, I’m gonna go on my jog, so if your

mother asks where I’m at—”

“I know, I’ll tell her.”

“Alright, well…cool.”

Dan leaves his sons room feeling conflicted. How is he

supposed to talk to his son about his future when his son is being

so unreasonable? This was always, ALWAYS the plan. Dan laces

up his running shoes and leaves the house. He needs to get away.

A good jog is medicine for the soul.

Left foot, right foot. Left foot, right foot.

The breeze brushes through Dan’s hair. The wind tickles the

little hairs on his arms and legs. Calves burning. Sweat racing

down his face. Styx playing in his earbuds. Water bottle strapped

to his fanny pack. “Please Jesus, tell me what to do,” he

whispers under his breath. He silently prays for guidance.

Suddenly, he feels a finger tap him on the shoulder. Surprised,

he jumps and yanks out his earbuds.

“Hey man, mind if I run with you?”

“Jesus, you scared the hell out of me!”

“Ah, I see you’re familiar with my work.”

“Huh?”

“Jesus. You know, my dad’s the ‘big man upstairs’. We’re kind

of a big deal. Bigger than ‘The Kardashians’, some might say.

There’s a bestselling book about us. It’s called The Bib--”

Dan stops in his tracks and faces the man who nearly made him

wet his jogging shorts .2 seconds ago.

“I know what a damn Bible is! This isn’t funny. I am a devout

Christian and I do not find that ‘joke’ funny young man.”

“What joke?”

“Seriously?”

Dan shakes his head in disapproval, puts his earbuds back in,

and start moving again.

“Not what you expected, is it?”

Once again, Dan stops, takes out his earbuds, and faces the man,

this time very obviously annoyed.

“Alright man, what do you want? Money? I’m not letting you

perform any weird sex stuff on me, if that’s what you’re

thinking.”

“What? No, I’m just here to talk.”

“I don’t wanna talk to some creep who walks around claiming

he’s Jesus and harassing strangers’ on the sidewalk. You’re not

Jesus bud-“

“Because I’m brown?”

Dan was stunned. The balls on this guy.

“I get that a lot for some reason. I’m Middle Eastern, what’d you

expect? You think they had sunscreen back in the A.D.?”

“I—”

“Here let me prove it to you.”

The man snatches the water bottle from Dans’ fanny pack.

“Hey man, what are you—”

The man gently shakes the water bottle.

“Uhh, bibbidi-bobbidi Jesus magic! Here.”

The man hands the water bottle back to Dan. Dan takes a drink.

He scrunches his nose at the sharp taste.

“That’s wine!”

“Still my best party trick. Now do ya believe me?”

Dan is unable to speak. He opens his mouth and tries to utter

words, but nothing comes out.

“So anyways, you rang?”

“This can’t be real.”

“I thought you said you were a devout Christian, so clearly you

believe in me; you know I’m real. Well, here I am, in the flesh!

Son of God, at your service!”

“You’re…Jesus?! I’m sorry, I gotta—”

Perplexed on how to feel, Dan starts jogging again. Jesus tags

along.

“So what you want to talk to me about?”

“What?”

“I overheard you telling me to tell you what to do, and I

happened to be in the neighborhood, so, lay it on me!”

“Well, uh, ummmm. Jesus, this is so weird—”

“I hope you’re not using my name in vain now.”

“What are you even doing here?”

“My dad is…I just needed to get some fresh air. Nothing quite

like Earth air.”

“This day just keeps getting weirder. First I find out that Jacob is

a God-hating atheist who doesn’t want an education or a future

or anything and now you’re here and I—”

“Woah woah, slow down, who’s Jacob?”

“Shouldn’t you know who he is? You’re Jesus after all.”

“People think I have more power than I do. I’m actually more of

a middleman. The archangels are the ones who keep records of

everyone, I just get the coffee. So, Jacob? Who is this mystery

man?”

“Try angsty teen who doesn’t care about or appreciate—”

“Slow down, is Jacob your son?”

“Yes, and he—”

“Hey man, go easy on him. Whatever is going on between you

two, it’s not worth souring your relationship with your kid over.

Trust me.”

“Didn’t you just hear me? He’s a God-hating—

“Atheist who doesn’t want an education or a future, I got that.

To be honest, I can’t blame him, sometimes I hate God too.”

Dan abruptly stops in his tracks.

“What?!?!? But you’re Jesus. Your dad is…I mean he’s our

ruler! The King of Kings, Yahweh, our HEAVENLY father--”

“Yes, and he’s also a hard ass who makes decisions for me. I’m

2000-something years old! I stopped counting after like, 408,

too many candles to blow out. Anyways, I should be making my

own decisions, but my dad is too stubborn! Maybe Jacob should

be making his own decisions.”

“Jesus just cussed. I’m sorry, am I dreaming right

now?”

“I don’t think so, but I can slap you across the face if you’d

like.”

Dan is completely flabbergasted, his brain frying like an egg. He

doesn’t know what’s real and what isn’t. He isn’t sure how he

should deal with whatever the hell it is that he’s dealing with.

Dan feels like Earth is flipping upside down. What’s left is right,

what’s blue is orange, and what’s a white, conservative,

almighty Jesus is actually a pretty chill, Middle Eastern guy

who’s easy to talk to. Nothing makes sense anymore. Dan starts

running slower, like a man in an indie film who doesn’t know

his own name or have any memories. Jesus continues to run

beside him.

“Hey man, that was a joke, I was—”

“I don’t joke!”

“Oh come on, who doesn’t joke?”

“Me! I don’t! I go to work and I go to church and I’ve been

paying my dues my whole damn life to get into Heaven!”

“So, Heaven’s actually more of a concept—”

“I thought I was emulating you the best that I could, but you

have more in common with my lazy, laissez-faire, ‘chillax dude-

bro’, ungrateful--”

“Hey!”

Jesus steps in front Dan with authority.

“Do not speak that way about your kid, ever! Do you understand

me?”

“Psh, whatever man.”

“Don’t ‘whatever man’ me, I’m Jesus!”

“You’re the middleman!”

“Why do you want Jacob to be someone he’s not? If you

continue to speak this way to Jacob and you push him and push

him and keep pushing him, he’s not going to want to be your son

anymore! If you try to force him to move one way, he’s going to

bounce back and head straight for the opposite direction. Yeah

he's your son but it’s not his responsibility to bear the burdens

that you decided belong to him.”

Dan feels fed up and starts running again. Jesus, also fed up,

runs beside him.

“Hey! Slow down, we’re not done here!”

“I’m not pushing him—”

“Then what are you doing?”

“Nothing! It’s just, that’s just how it goes.”

“How what goes?”

For the first time in a long time, Dan felt powerless. Much like

his son, he didn’t have all the answers. Or any answers, really.

“So you don’t know, but you expect your kid to just understand?

Have you ever tried understanding your kid for a change? If you

try to force him up on a pedestal that he doesn’t want to be on,

you might just…crucify him. See what I did there? Crucify?

Little word play…you know what, never mind. Why not just get

down on his level?”

“I just want what’s best for my son, Jesus. He’s a kid, he needs

some direction from me and his mother.”

“I know you think you’re doing what’s best for your kid; I can

tell how worried you are about his future, but Jacobs’ wants and

needs are important for Jacob to figure out. Did you turn out

exactly how your dad wanted you to?”

“No, I guess not. My old man wanted me to join the army. I was

too much of a coward. He was so disappointed. Still is, I think.”

Dan sits with his thoughts for a moment, realizing that he holds

an angry space in his heart that is reserved for his father. He

doesn’t want Jacob to reserve the same kind of anger for him.

“I just don’t want my son to fail. I don’t want the world

to…crucify him, ya know?”

Jesus chuckles.

“So you do joke then, huh? Have you ever tried joking with

Jacob? Maybe, be more honest with him? More vulnerable?”

“Vulnerability isn’t something I see in the Bible that often.”

“No, but you do see a whole lot of ..well, me…living my life for

my dad, and we know that my story ends with me—”

“Yeah yeah, I know, crucified—”

“Suffering. It ends with me suffering. I put my life on the

line…err, on the cross, I guess…because ‘that’s just how it

goes’. But I didn’t write the Bible and I didn’t choose how the

story ends.”

“But…but you came back 3 days later. It was a miracle.”

“I had to, my father expected me to show up. On time. So I did.

And where did all that hard work and sacrifice get me? Being a

fucking middleman.”

“Jesus just said fucking…”

“I work for my father, filing prayer requests for him. He doesn’t

even read them half the time. He brushes a lot of them off. And

the ones he does answer are about someone wanting their

favorite sports team to win a game or to help someone find their

lost keys. If I knew this is how everything would turn out, I

would’ve gotten the hell out of dodge. Don’t give Jacob a reason

to want to run away.”

“Wow, um…thank you Jesus. I think I need to, um, I need to go

see my son. Thank you.”

“I think you do too.”

Dan picks up his pace and runs home. He’s never been so eager

to see his son like he is right now.

Jacob is in the front yard, mowing the grass, when his very

sweaty father comes panting over to him like a fluffy dog on a

hot, summer day.

“Jacob….Jacob. I need to talk to you, I need to—holy fuck

where’s your mother? I need some water.”

“What is happening? Also, you have a water bottle strapped to

your fanny.”

Dan struggles to catch his breath.

“No that’s not….that’s not….it’s wine.”

“Wine? Why are you drinking wine on your runs? And why are

you so sweaty? It’s 50 degrees out!”

“Son, I need to talk to you…I just..fuck, how am I so out of

shape? I jog every day!”

“Maybe it’s because you drink wine when you exercise.”

Dan finally catches his breath. Jacob is a bit unnerved,

wondering if he did something wrong. His dad never shows

Jacob this level of passion. What does he want to talk about?

“I need to talk to ask you a question I’ve never asked you

before.”

“What?”

“Jacob, what do you want to be when you grow up?”