A Family in the Stars

“Look at that one! Ooh, and that one!”

I chuckled. “Yeah, the stars are shining just for you, Anns.”

We were sitting on the trampoline in our backyard. Since it was a family tradition to look at the stars and see if we can find the star that the dead become after a family member passes, we decided to do it for Mom. She had passed a couple weeks before and the cremation was coming up tomorrow. It was still hard to think that Mom wouldn’t be with us anymore, but I was grateful that I still had my little sister. I don’t know what I’d do without her.

“Hey, you’re just jealous because they like me more,” Anaika replied after a moment. “Unlike Aunt Nikki. That lady hates me.”

I rolled my eyes and gave her a look that said stop. Then I said, “You know she doesn’t hate you. It can’t be easy housing your dead sister’s kids. I mean, she and Mom were really close and you probably just remind her of Mom. You look just like her. Anns, give her some time. She’ll come around.”

Anns gave me a frustrated look. “What’s the point of doing this anyways? No amount of stargazing will bring Mom back. She’s gone,” her voice broke. “She’s gone and she’s not coming back.”

She ran off, going back into the house. No doubt going to raid the kitchen and gorge herself on chocolate chip cookies.

I sighed. While debating whether or not to go after her, I thought about everything that’s happened since Anaika was born.

First, Dad leaves to pursue his dreams of becoming a famous guitar player. He still hasn’t come back home, but we’ve made our way without him. I don’t even think Anns has any memories with him anyways. Then, Tatha, Mom's dad, goes and joins the family in the stars. Anns and Tatha were very close since he chose the name Anaika. Now Mom passes away and leaves Anns with me and an aunt who can’t even look at her without thinking she’s looking at her dead sister.

I hated that she had to deal with the sadness of losing Mom. Losing your mom isn’t easy, but Anaika is so young to deal with so much loss. Well, at least she can show her hurt. I can’t because I have to show Anns that we have to be strong and muscle through the tough times.

Ugh. Why does being a big sister have to be so hard? I know that Anns doesn’t have it easy with all of this loss at just 10 years old, but I haven’t had it easy either. I have to deal with all of this without letting Anns or anyone seeing me so vulnerable. I have no shoulder to cry on while Anns has the worlds. Still, it can’t be easy for her.

I looked at the stars and said, “Why did you have to go up there? I still need you down here. Please, I need you.”

When Mom didn’t respond, I sighed and opted to go after Anns to calm her down. When I went inside the house, Anns was not alone. Sitting with her in the kitchen was none other than Aunt Nikki. I paused at the doorway, not wanting to interrupt their conversation. I only caught the last few words.

“Honey, I hope you forgive me.”

“Yeah, I guess I do. You know, Ange told me that the only reason you were mean was because I reminded you of Mom.”

“Well, that sister of yours is very smart. She was right, though.”

“Oh, okay. Well, I should go to bed because we have busy day planned for tomorrow.”

“Want me to get Anjali?”

“Um, I think I’ll go to her myself. I need to say sorry to her. Oh, and by the way, thank you Aunt Nikki. I think tomorrow will be a bit better now I know you don’t hate me.”

Aunt Nikki didn’t reply because Anns walked out on her. When she saw me standing outside the doorway, Anns’ eyes went wide.

“How much of that conversation did you hear?” she demanded.

“Just the last part. Don’t worry about it. I knew most of it anyways,” I replied in a calming tone since she was giving me an antsy vibe. “Let’s go to bed, okay. Get a good night’s sleep, so we’re not sleeping through the service tomorrow.”

She asked, “Can I sleep in the living room with you? I don’t want to be alone tonight.

I replied, “Sure, Anns. I can take the floor and you can take the couch. Just like how we would do it when we watched all of those Barbie movies at night.”

And just like that, she fell asleep on the couch. The only reason I was sleeping in the living room was because Aunt Nikki didn’t want to sleep in Mom’s room and neither did Anns or I. With Aunt Nikki in my room and Anns in hers, I took the living room, seeing as we didn’t have any other room in the house.

It wasn’t easy, but I eventually fell asleep. My dream was a memory almost 7 years ago. I was about eight years old and Anns was three. Both of us were sitting in the living room of our house with Mom. We had just finished watching Cinderella when toddler Anaika said, “When are you gonna die, Mommy? You have to die if I want to be a princess.”

Mom replied, “Anns, you don’t need me to die for you to become a princess. Anyways, you’ll always be a princess in my eyes.”

That was the first time either Mom or I called Anaika Anns. Ever since then, the nickname just stuck.

I woke to the smell of pancakes. After I brushed my teeth and brushed my head full of waist length hair, I went to the kitchen to eat. With the syrup and blueberries, the pancakes were great. When Anns came into the kitchen, she was already dressed for the cremation service. While she was eating, I went to change into the dress for Mom’s service.

We got to the place where Mom would get cremated when Anns started to cry. I put my hand around her shoulder to comfort her. Then, Aunt Nikki put her hand around me. Whether it was to give me or her support, I don’t know. We stood there, together, for the rest of the cremation service.

After the fire had died down, the priest collected Mom’s ashes and handed them to Aunt Nikki. She took them and came back to me and Anns. When we got in the car, Aunt Nikki asked us where we would put her ashes. With tears in my eyes, I told her that Mom would want them scattered on the base of a fig tree.

By the time we found a place to put Mom’s ashes, it was already night time. We got back to the house, changed into our pjs, and went outside to look at the stars one last time for Mom.

“Hey Ange.”

“Yeah?”

“I think I see a star up there that wasn’t there yesterday. See, it’s the one that really bright.”

“Yeah, I see it.”

“Do you think it’s Mom?”

“That is a question is don’t know the answer to, but I do know one thing.”

“What is it?”

“The stars are shining extra bright, just for you.”