The Genie from the Bottle of Ooze

In Jack’s hand was an empty beer bottle. The warning label on it was faded from time, but he was able to read most of it. “Careful bro, … genie… AF!” His mind returned to all the countless bottles he went through at home. He spent his entire twenties in search of the long-lost Bottle of Ooze. Trashcans full of empty glass containers that once held spirits, wine, liquor, booze, and all sorts of alcohol content. Now, he held it in his hands.

Jack gave the Boomer a five dollar bill for his new found possession. The old lady at the garage sale didn’t know if he was being nice or just stupid. She happily pocketed the money anyway. Jack didn’t care, he knew the legends. The Genie of Ooze granted two wishes to anyone who blew across the bottle’s mouth. That was the last five dollars to his name, but five dollars was a steal for two wishes.

Jack kicked his cat out of the living room. He didn’t want her to get scared, and he was really tired of her fur getting all over his rocking chair. Other than this twin bed, that was the only piece of furniture in his house. But that wouldn’t be his problem much longer. He picked up the Bottle of Ooze. His mind wandered to all the wishes of his heart. Castles, babes, feasts, influence, fast cars, nice clothes.

With the windows closed, he blew. A hollow echo whirred inside the bottle turning into rushing air escaping from the glass top. Its presence filled the room. Lighting struck his ambient Christmas lights. Gusts of violent wind tore down pictures off the wall, threw his vinyl collection onto the floor, and scared his cat back into the hallway. When the dust settled, a shirtless dude, who Jack assumed was the genie, was sitting in the rocking chair.

The dude wasn’t fat, but he was plump. He had gauges in both of his ears, a beard down to his nipples, and he wore sunglasses. He seemed to be taking everything in. “Sup bro? You must be the guy. I’m your genie or whatever. What is this? Oak?” He said, referring to the rocking chair. “You get two wishes, don’t do anything stupid. This is really nice.” The genie rocked back and forth. He seemed to enjoy it.

“Money, an unlimited amount of it!” Jack’s eyes were wide, his smile stretched from ear to ear.

“You sure? You know what, whatever. Boom! Stacks on stacks, bro! Hey, you got anything to eat?” The dude got up and went to his kitchen and began to inspect the fridge. He pulled out a bottle of mustard and sniffed it. “Aw, dude, you got both kinds of cheese!” The dude spread out on the counter bread, cheese and other condiments. He began to make himself a sandwich.

“Where is it? Where’s my money?” Jack asked, pun intended.

“Aw you don’t get the wishes until you make both of them. It’s kind of like an insurance thing. Hey, you should really consider tossing that meat. It’s bad for you liver.” The dude was sipping a craft beer he found in Jack’s fridge.

“I want all girls to be attracted to me!” 

“No, nuh-uh. Not doing it. Last man who asked for that, guy got sent to jail. There’s a lot more girls in jail than you realize. Same goes with power, like, all that stuff. Just ask for something simple like an X-box or something.” 

“What about the money?”

“You’re gonna get it bro, chill out! Oh, you mean. Oh, yeah, I probably shouldn’t a done that.”

“What do you mean you ‘probably shouldn’t a done that’?!” Jack mocked.

“Don’t worry about bro, next wish.”

“I wish I was the coolest person in the world!”

“Bro, you should probably specify that. You know what I mean? That could be taken a couple different ways. But, hey, I know what you’re trying to say. You wanna be like that Fonzie character from Happy Days don’t ya?” Jack wanted to ask several questions, including the request for another genie. “Hey, since you got all that money, I’m gonna take this with me.” The dude walked over to the rocking char, and picked it up. He stuffed it into the Bottle of Ooze and then the genie got sucked in behind it.

Jack waited anxiously for his money to appear. He checked his bank account, it looked the same. He checked his wallet, same old same old. He stuck his hands in pockets; he felt something different. It was round. It was cold. It was a penny. Jack flicked it across the room and it landed in a jar. He was impressed he knew how to do that. He felt his pocket again. It was another penny. Round, smooth, new and shiny. He felt his pocket grow heavy. He pulled out handfuls and handfuls of shiny, brass pennies. They fell onto the floor, chattering as they hit each other. He took off his pants and they just kept falling out of his pocket. Closet doors burst through his house, and pennies avalanched out of them. His cat was freaking out.

He trudged his way to the bottle that was now buried beneath coin. He managed to find it and give it another blow. Nothing happened. In frustration he threw it across the room and it shattered into bits. The gap between penny and ceiling was closing in fast. His poor cat was meowing for help. He made efforts for her to reach out and cling to his arm, but it was too late.

The windows of the house burst open first, followed by the front door. Jack came sliding through his porch, into the grass and onto the sidewalk. Two cute girls happened to be walking by. Jack caught his balance. He nodded as they passed by. They giggled at his underwear. Jack didn’t seem to mind. He gave them a wink and he flipped them a penny. The girls’ cheeks hurt from laughing, and they couldn’t post to Instagram fast enough. Jack strutted into his house, climbing over mounds and mounds of bronze coin. “Whatever, ladies! I’m cool with it!”