Unenchanted

In September, Kansas weather could be anything, but then that could be said of many months in Kansas. That day, early in my sophomore year of college, was the first day of fall, and I was glad I had thrown an oversized jean jacket over my cami because, even though it was nearing noon, the weather was turning colder than it had been in the morning, and there was a stiff breeze.

Walking the stately university campus, I paused to run my hand appreciatively over the native limestone wall of one of the buildings. Among the books in my backpack was a spiral notebook containing my hopes and dreams for my future. Between classes, I had been working on lists of my talents and goals and careers I might be suited for. I was on my way to meet my twin sister, Ann, for coffee at the student union. As usual, we had both economically packed our own lunches at home together this morning.

We didn’t mind staying with Mom and our older brother (by one year), Jack, while in school. We were a close family who enjoyed each other’s company. And after all, it was common for witch families to live together even after the children reached adulthood.

In vain I was trying and failing at an incantation to keep my long brown hair from whipping into my face (wouldn’t that impress the guys!), but I guess I was having an off day. I had always been the slowest one in my family when it came to controlling my magic, but when I did come through, I seemed to do well.

I wanted Ann’s input on my choice of major. I had many different skills and talents listed, such as working well in groups and being good with young children. I knew the latter from all the babysitting jobs I had worked at and continued to work at. The babysitting helped me buy little extras for myself that other scholarship students couldn’t afford, unless they also worked part-time. I had included my love of reading and knowledge of a wide variety of literature, including the classics. I was drawn to the idea of being a librarian, but that would mean finding money for graduate school. I had also included my skills in working with animals and my volunteer work as a cat socializer at the Humane Society. I had always secretly wished I could find my familiar there, but so far that hadn’t happened.

Ann was just inside the door waiting for me. She showed me a tight smile that meant she has a lot on her mind and probably wanted to talk about it. Although we often were mistaken for one another, Ann and I were not identical twins. She was an inch shorter and wore glasses. She also had a small beauty mark on her right cheek. We were each other’s best friend. Mom told us we even spoke in a secret language as toddlers that only we could understand.

Ann suggested we take our coffee to an outside table despite the brisk weather. I guessed she wanted to talk privately.

“Lara,” she said, after just one sip of coffee, “I have something I have to tell you, and I’m afraid it’s going to be kind of a shock to you. I’ve wanted to tell you for years, but Mom and Dad kept saying to wait until you were older. Then, when Dad died, we all thought it best to wait awhile more. But now, the fact is, I believe you need to know this because you are thinking seriously about your plans for the future, and what I have to tell you may effect your decision.”

I nodded and didn't say anything. There was a hard feeling in my stomach and my chest was full of jitters. I wondered if she was going to tell me I was dying.

She reached over and took my hands in hers, grasping them firmly. “The deal is, Lara, as you know, Dad was not a witch, which means you and I both could have turned out to have no magical powers, even though Mom’s powers are very strong.”

I nodded again. Where was she going with this? Was she going to talk about our future children possibly not having our gifts? How far in the future did she think I was planning?

Ann took a sip of coffee and I could see she had difficulty swallowing it. She moistened her lips. “The truth is, Lara, you were not born with magical powers.”

I pulled my hands away.

“What? How can you say that? You’ve seen me cast many spells! My gosh, just yesterday, I stopped that guy’s tray from crashing to the floor in the cafeteria!”

Ann sighed and put her palms to the sides of her face, “I did that, Lara. I saw you turn your head and point towards him, and I saved the tray from falling.”

“You’re making this up,” I said, “Why are you trying to play such a mean trick on me? Are you mad at me for something? Tell me what I did!” I was feeling very hurt now, and tears were forming in the corners of my eyes.

Ann’s eyes were wet, too. “Lara, have you ever been able to practice magic when Jack or I was not around?”

Silence.

The truth stood before me like two huge closed doors, like bars in a prison. “You all made excuses for me when I told you about those times I was unable to cast spells,” I protested, “You said I was having an off day or maybe I was coming down with something! Mom even told me I was a little delayed in coming into my full powers!” I shook my head back and forth in anger and disbelief. “How could you all LIE to me like that my whole life? How could my own family LIE to me?” Tears watered down my face. This is a nightmare!”

“When we were very little and Mom and Dad saw that I was compensating for you, they didn’t know what to do. They didn’t want you to feel different from me and Jack. They took us aside one day and said it would be OK if we helped you think you had magic powers for awhile, while you were young, and then years rolled by, and we all felt trapped by the lie. We didn’t want to hurt you. And then when Dad died, that would have made you the only one in the family without powers.” Ann’s posture dropped and her brow furrowed.

She said, “Last night, I talked to Mom and told her how you were planning out your future, and that I absolutely had to tell you the truth. I am so sorry, Lara.”

I sat back in my chair and stared out at the world as if I were seeing it for the first time. The gray sky, the swooping birds, the huge old trees with their yellow and brown leaves. All of it immutable. All of it existed and would continue to exist without any influence from me.

“You still have your witchly birthrights,” my sister was saying, “You’ll always be welcomed at solstice celebrations and coven meetings both in our family and all over the world.”

I crossed my arms. “Great. I’ll be an object of pity. ‘There’s poor Lara. Too bad she doesn’t have any powers.’”

Ann clucked her tongue. “Now you know that’s not true. Lots of family members without powers come to those events and are welcomed as family!"

“This changes everything for me,” I sniffled, “I don’t even know who I am anymore! I feel like I’ve been hit by lighting!” And I really did. I felt hot, singed.

Ann balled her hand that was on the table on the table into a fist. “”I’m sorry,” she said again.

I got up clumsily, took up my books, and made my way along the path to my next class, English Lit.

Some words from my favorite poet came to mind:

“I’m nobody! Who are you?

Are you nobody too?”

Once in class, I sat in my usual spot, up front by the door. It was the spot I picked for every class. Joey, a friend I’d known since elementary school came in next and sat in his usual place next to me. I wondered if he had any idea how special it made me feel that he always chose a seat next to mine.

“Morning, Madam President,” he greeted, as he often did, with a sparkle in his light green eyes.

I smiled once again at the running joke. I had been class president in my junior and senior year of high school.

. . . An office I had gained on my own merits, I suddenly realized. Although my family had told me it would be wrong to try to sway the election by magic, I had secretly tried casting a spell on the student body anyway. Before today, I had always believed that is how I won.

“I hope you remembered we have to turn in our papers today,” Joey said leaning towards me as the professor walked in and began opening his briefcase.

I must have had a pretty sick expression on my face, sick enough to get Joey to laugh anyway. I rolled my eyes at him, at once annoyed and attracted by his playfulness. How did I always fall for his tricks?

Later, while I was engrossed in taking notes, Joey slipped me a note. “Do you want to go with me to the opening of the new club tonight? Under 21 year olds can stay till 10!”

Talk about just what I had needed on such a day! I had been waiting for Joey to ask me out for as long as I could remember! I wondered if it was my new perfume. Obviously it was not due to any of the spells I had tried to cast.

I gave him a little nod and a smile. I thought, albeit grudgingly, that there might be some perks to being only human. At least I knew I could accomplish things on merit alone and attract men just by being myself.

Yet I still had a horrible feeling that I had suddenly lost my specialness.

After class, I walked outside and took in a breath of the moist, invigorating air. Almost too invigorating. I was feeling anxious again. And lost.

I decided to walk around for awhile and think. I did this with my head down, seeing only the sidewalk and any feet I might accidentally run into. I was 19 years old, and I had been lied to my whole life.

I sighed deeply, and my eyes stung with more tears as I admitted to myself that I had let myself be lied to. I had known for a long time that things weren’t right. I had always wondered why my brother and sister were so much better at magic than I was. I could have asked more questions.

I found myself at my old Corolla, but I didn’t want to go home yet. I didn’t feel like visiting any friends, either. I was so wrapped up in what I had just found out about myself, I was afraid I might blurt out our family secret.

I drove to a nearby park and found a swing. I pumped my legs and soared in air. I wondered if this was what riding on a broomstick was like. Mom never taught any of us to ride broomsticks, and neither did Gram or Gramps when they were alive. They said with modern technology and governments watching the airspace so carefully, it wasn’t safe. Technology is always a two-way sword.

Dad had brought us kids to this well-tended park a lot whenever Mom needed a break. He was a strong man and could lift two of us up at a time and swing us around. He didn’t just watch us play hide-and-seek and tag, he’d play along with us. He was full of energy. Nothing could stop him but a freak accident, which is what happened to him one day on the way to work.

I stopped swinging. I just wanted to lie down and rest, but I still didn’t want to go home. I thought maybe it was time I moved out of Mom’s house. It wasn’t really normal for a person my age to still live with their family. I should be rooming with friends, partying a little. Of course, I’d still want to keep my grades up. I wouldn’t want to lose my head entirely.

I wanted the old me back.

I didn’t want the old me back.

I didn’t know what I wanted.

I was only human.