The Return of Angie Macabre

Thinking back to the type of person that I used to be I find myself cringing at the thought of the little girl that used to prance around with a bounce in her step and a song in her heart. The young oblivious girl that was not an outsider but whom you also didn’t find running the same crowds as the popular. She just was. I guess there’s nothing wrong with being that person. But boy, was I oblivious. Well who wouldn’t be. We are all supposed to be young oblivious and innocent at that age. The beautiful 15. Where you are kind of awkward and your body changes but you just leave it and try to live life. Well even if you weren’t, I was. In fact, I was the poster child for innocence.

I thought that the only reason people were placed in social groups was to make socializing easier. You know because if the entire school had to sit together, we would have to scream. It was obviously clear that everybody actually wanted to be friends. “Pffft!” I used to truly believe that it is not possible to have sex if you’re under the age of 18 because your sanity and emotional as well as spiritual being would be broken because you wouldn’t be able to handle the intensity of the so called ‘love making’. Yeah holy crap, right?! My parents just decided to raise me in this weird hippy shit.

But here I am today sitting in front of my mirror thinking about the aspects of my former self. Trying to forget that for the last year I couldn’t play the innocence anymore.

It’s not like I chose to change. Why the hell does change have to be so important. What did that one famous guy say? Ah yes, Heraclitus- “Change is the only constant in life”. Uhm, yeah thanks dude. Thanks for opening the door for humanity to have to accept that change is necessary. Okay, okay, I’m mumbling on and getting frustrated with something that I already had to deal with. I guess I have to change this conversation now. I’m winking at myself in the mirror laughing at the pun I just made.

Okay! Everything started when I left school for the holidays at the end of my grade nine year, I really thought that it was going to be a good one.

*Flashback to the year before*

I made so many plans with my friend, Jane, and we were both totally excited for what was lying ahead for us. So that afternoon when I got home with my happy bouncy step, I was not expecting to walk in and find my mother naked in our kitchen.

Okay I guess you could say she was not naked since she had an apron on. But I literally saw her butt! And all I could think was “my mom and dad had kitchen sex!” like I really was not in the right mindset to think of my parents actually doing it. Okay I’m not stupid and I know that they obviously had to do it for me to be here, but jeez that’s as far as I’ve ever wanted to picture it.

When I bent down to put my bag on the floor, I saw Jeff, our neighbor, standing across the room with his pants all wrinkled and his white button shirt untied. “Hey Jeff, did you spill some pasta sauce again?” Eish, cringe worthy moment. Come on Angie how blind could you have been. And yet, more blind then I’ve realized. I turned to my mom “So mom, uhm... like is it cool if I go to my room because I think I will literally die of embarrassment if I had to see dad’s butt as well?” My mom for some reason just stared at me like she was in shock and nodded her head. Jeez what’s up with everyone being so weird today, mom never walks around basically naked and hell I think Jeff has messed some kind of sauce on every shirt he has. Literally mom has to constantly bleach the damn shirts.

That night at dinner was so tense, like I could literally feel the air tightening. Hell, why did they have to put me in this position. I feel like I could just crawl up into a ball now. Mom’s face was so tight with a smile it looked like she could have a stroke. And dad kept on moving his chair. Like its been over 7 times now. “Okay guys, I saw mom naked I know you have sex can we please just move on?” Dad chuckles to himself and then takes a sip of his water. He looks at me, “Listen Angie, there is something we need to tell you”.

What conversation that begins like that is good one hey? I hold my breath and stare intensely at dad. “So, well there’s no easy way to say this but I’m not really attracted to your mom. Okay your mom is beautiful but like sexually she doesn’t really do it for me. Well, I’m sure she can if we were trying, like it seems like she is doing it for Jeff and like yeah.” He rambled so many words and I just had a what the fuck moment. I took a moment staring at them blankly before I could actually get words out. “So, mom doesn’t do it for you… is that why you like did the entire kitchen thing to spice things up?” Dad face palmed himself and mom decided to take over. “I didn’t have sex with your dad Angie, he is trying to tell you that he is gay” I open my mouth but nothing comes out and mom continues “And I’m sleeping with Jeff”. Okay I am so confused now and honestly wondering where the gag in this is. Because this must be a major joke. So, all that I can do is burst out laughing.

“This is not a joke kiddo, about 4 years ago I started realizing this was just who I am and your mom and I really tried to make it work. We even went to counselling and tried to ‘spice things up’ like you mentioned, but nothing seemed to change. But we still love each other, we’re like best friends”. Dad’s words were like a cold towel being pressed against my naked skin. It burned. “How, how did I not know this, like what does this even mean. Why are you telling me this now?” mom decided to take this one, “Well my dear, let’s be honest your not very sharp when it comes to noticing things, like you thought that the reason why your dad is sleeping in a different bedroom is because both of us needs different specialized beds for our backs.” Dad cuts in, “and the reason we are telling you all this now is well, your mom and Jeff loves each other and they want to get married. And well I guess the bigger part is that we are losing the house because of some financial issues that we have been having.” “What!” I think that is the highest my voice has ever gone. “You decided to tell me in one night that my dad is gay, mom is making sweet love with the sauce messing guy and we are in a financial crisis?! Like how is this happening all at once”

“Well sweetheart there’s actually some more news that we have to discuss” mom says in a faint voice. “Your dad got a new job that is really going to help out with paying what we owe for the house, and Jeff just got a music gig. So, your dad is moving to New Zealand and Jeff’s gig is playing the flute for a German band called ‘Neun’ so I’m moving with Jeff to Luxembourg. 

“What!” Okay I really don’t know what’s up with this high-pitched voice but looking at the current situation I find myself in, I feel that it is fitting. “Where do I fit into these traveling plans!” I flinched at how hard my words came across and immediately looked apologetic.

“We know you didn’t mean it that hard”, dad took my hand in his, “since Jeff will be touring around with his band, we were thinking that you would come and live with me in New Zealand, and fly out to your mom when ever they have a solid destination for about two weeks. And your mom and Jeff will only be there for a year and then come back to live in Jeff’s house. So, you will be home schooled next year and then when they are back, you’d also come back so that you can go back to school here.”

My entire world just came crashing down around me. I’m not even sure if I’m processing everything right now. I’m moving, I don’t have parents who are together anymore, my mom is definitely not the innocent hippie she’s been portraying since sex with our neighbor is her forte, and like I’m slightly scared and excited at the same time for the possibility of my dad becoming a Drag Queen. Well I guess this is the adventure I had to face.

*Present time*

Back to me sitting in front of my mirror, rethinking what caused the demise of my innocence, I give a smile. Life was simpler for fifteen-year-old Angie, she might have been more oblivious and not the sharpest when it came to seeing reality. But she laughed a lot and found joy in things like unicorns and weekend family nights. She was a girl who thought that there was no wrong in the world. And it was good for her.

Sixteen-year-old Angie, on the other hand, definitely has a juicier life. My dad is awesome and dresses like this extreme fashion guru. Man does he have taste. We had a great year in New Zealand and even though it took a while to settle in, dad really made sure that life was great. The new job did him wonders and we toured every weekend to the fine spots. Visiting mom was just as great and I could really see that Jeff made her happy. We were like these awesome groupies at his shows and the food and flavors we experienced was miraculous.

I even met a guy on one of the tours, he’s 17 and for the wonderful period of time we spent together, life, and him of course, showed me that there is so much to discover on this journey we call living. We danced so much and laughed even more. We kissed and made memories under the stars. We did many things but I was just not quite ready to do more. So, we parted ways and it was perfect. A winter fling that lasted 2 weeks in the cold weather of Luxembourg.

So here I am now, in Jeff’s house, another new room, facing myself and finding it oddly satisfying that this is where my life is now. And I’m ready to go back to school. To the place where little probably has changed. But I have, I’m new. And even though I will still not be on the outside or part of the popular, being in the middle is right where I want to be. Cause change is on the horizon there. I will forever allow myself to be in a space where change is allowed. Even though it’s damn hard to accept sometimes, we need it. We desire it.

So here I am, Angie 2.0, the mature and open girl that wants to know what happens in life. Because being on the oblivious side is like being stuck in a box, useless and uneventful.