How To Cook Your Mother-In-Law

How To Cook Your Mother-In-Law

Who has never dreamt of killing and making disappear one’s mother-in-law ? It is rarely, to say the least, love at first sight. It is more likely and usually an open raging war. But if you kill her, there is a body, and with a body comes a crime.

You surely want to avoid that. No body, no crime. And what best way to make a body disappear than to cooking it ? You will find below an recipe to cook an “old-fashioned mother-in-law’s roast”. It may not be the most famous of the dishes and you may not find it easily in a recipes’ book, but this is one of the tastiest meal you shall ever eat. Give it a try. This is a mortal dish !

Hands-on time : from the stabbing to the roasting

Cook time : 3 hours

Course : Treat

Cuisine : Old and English like a Mother-in-Law

Servings : 1 coffin

Ingredients : 

• 1 fresh body of a mean reproachful mother-in-law
• 1 tablespoon mixed spice (she really lacked, do not hesitate to double the dose)
• 1 tablespoon of salt (she used to put everywhere)
• 100 g / 1/2 cup of garlic
• Zest of an unwaxed lemon (like your mother-in-law)

Instructions :

First of all, thaw out your preconceived ideas. Murder is sometimes the only option and the best recipe. When you have no other choice, you must act like it and face the task up. 

After you have met her, you have not gotten along well with the tyrant monster and you have killed her, it is time to cook her and to do it well. 

If your mother-in-law is 6 foot tall or even more, do you not forget to buy an even larger oven, so she can easily fit inside. The other option is to cut the body in several parts so you can cook them separately. This way, it is easier of course, but it can take more time. Make sure you have time and you will not be disturbed. 

Begin by preheating the oven to 350°F. You do not want your mother-in-law to wake up from the dead at the first occasion. Make sure the temperature is hot enough to cook her very well at your very first try. The hotter it is, the faster you can cook her and make her body disappear. Never forget that, as unbelievable as it can appear to you, your loved one may love her, even miss her.

Cut all the parts you need for a delicious marinade and a sauce : the fingers, the nose, the ears which can be very tasty. 

The marinade

Add the chopped fingers in a marinade, with spice, salt and garlic. Feel it mix together under your fingers. If you are lucky and you have done a good job, you still have your twenty fingers and she has none anymore.

Then, set the bowl aside for fifty-five minutes so the flesh can really take the taste of the marinade. If you like it bittersweet, like the tone she always used by speaking to or referring to you, do not hesitate to be creative with bitter and sweet flavours. After all, you have been creative with her death, she surely did not expect it.

The sauce

Take the old skin and crumble it in a bowl. You can cook it separately if you want to make it crispy or you can use the ears to make chips. Pour in the blood to make the sauce. Skin and blood together make a fine sauce to taste. Even the French may like it. 

Add to the mixing bowl all the remaining small pieces : eyes, nose, little parts of her body. Mix it all together with the sauce to give it a certain countenance.

Grease the legs to make them ready for the oven. 

The roast

Put the marinade and the sauce inside the body and dispose the pieces of the legs all around, to make a beautiful roast to cook. She deserve it, does not she ?

Cook the whole meal for three hours. During this time, think about the time she first saw you and that disdainful look she gave you. Remember also the first present you gave her, an enormous bouquet of her favourite flowers and a picture of herself with your loved one as a child. Remember how she put it aside like it was nothing.

Finally, remember how she discovered your darkest secret and was about to expose you to the crowds and how you managed to stop her for good, for once and for all. She had found out about your lies and was about to reveal the truth, the horrible truth, the unsayable truth. It was impossible to stay silent. Only she and you now know your secret.

Even your loved one does not know. And they never could. It would destroy all that you have built. It would mean the end of your relationship, the end of your trust bond, the end of love. The end of everything.

This, you will not allow. And the only end you will allow, is the end of the roast’s cooking. And maybe of this short story. Because all good recipes must come to an end.

The alarm rings. Get back to the kitchen and open the oven. Fresh out of it, is the end of all problems, the solution to all issues and arguments. Open the door and contemplate the rests of your mother-in-law and her lips now for ever sealed, as amazed as when you are stargazing.

When the roast is cooked and fully ready, leave it to cool a little and then slice it, as strong as you can. Cut some beautiful slices and serve it to your guests. No body, no crime, remember.

Stored in the fridge, the mother-in-law’s roast will keep for a week. It also freezes well, just in case you want to keep her for Christmas, so she will be present for your beloved half. After all, all mothers-in-law love Christmas, or at least a beautiful celebration. And today is the celebration of your freedom. Cook your mother-in-law and you will taste just a little bit of freedom, a little drop of calm, a little touch of Heaven, where she now belongs.

Bon appétit !