How Junior Mints Changed My Life

I was too hungry to decide and I knew it. I knew I should have said something earlier but I didn’t want to come off as high maintenance and yet here I was, dangerously close to blowing my top out of hangriness.

There are too many freaking choices on menus nowadays and why don’t any of them have a special section of just a few items for people who are too hungry to choose? But instead of actual food items, they list the emotion you’re feeling at the time. You choose the emotion and they bring out the correlating food. No more guesswork.

Like maybe you’re feeling homesick, bam! Mac and cheese with a side cold canned tomatoes and sauteed spinach. (Don’t judge me.) Or maybe fat and bloated from PMS, bam! French fries with ranch dip and a slice of fresh strawberry pie. (What? I like what I like.) Or maybe you’re feeling anxious and need an old stand by that isn’t too weird or complicated and is usually good no matter where you are, bam! Out come the fish and chips. (I take the breading off and eat the fish with tartar sauce, leaving a pile of breading in the basket which can look a little weird or gross but I am who I am and if you have a problem with a little breading left behind, maybe we aren’t right for each other after all.)

This menu, though. This menu has me and I really just don’t know. I haven’t been here before but everything sounds like a food carnival of flavors waiting to burst inside my mouth. Luckily, you can have almost anything on the menu gluten free which a super big plus. (I’m not celiac; but gluten gives me insane migraine headaches which last for days and since I stopped eating it 10 years ago, I have had very few headaches and almost zero migraines and I used to have them daily.)

So, the guy I’m with is new. He’s cute with dark brown hair and dark eyes, a nice smile, and a quirky sense of humor. I met him while waiting in line for a movie. I was waiting in line to see The Lighthouse (which wasn’t a very long line which is too bad because it ended up being my favorite film that year) and as he walked by, we made eye contact. He stopped and asked me what line I was waiting in, I told him, he said thanks, and kept walking. I was like, don’t turn around Mindy, whatever you do act cool, so I stood there looking forward like a statue. Well, maybe not stiff like a statue but cool, you know, nonchalant.

The door to the theater opened so I went in and took a seat near the back on the aisle. I don’t really like people sitting behind me and I also want to make sure I have plenty of response time in the event of an emergency. Not that I’m expected a weird emergency or anything like that just that I like to have time to respond and also I like to watch who comes in after me. (I feel like I sound a bit weird right now but I promise I’m not really.) I also like the aisle seat so if I need to get up for some reason like the bathroom, or any reason really, I don’t want to have to squeeze past people to get out. I don’t mind if other people squeeze past me but I don’t want to do it.

So, I’m sitting there and the lights begin to dim a bit, not all the way, but a bit for the previews and I see him come in. He stops right inside the room and looks around as if to acclimate his eyes to the low light. He pretends to look past me to a nearby open seat and makes his way up the opposite aisle from where I’m sitting and sits in the seat on the aisle. We’re basically bookending this row. I’m like, okay, I thought I was weird. I mean, extra points for seeing the same movie as me. The Lighthouse isn’t for everyone so that had to mean something and he was here by himself so that tells me he’s not afraid to do things by himself and that he most likely doesn’t have a girlfriend. Unless, she doesn’t like films like this and he was forced to go alone at which point I kinda feel bad for him. But also proud of him for still going without her.

I realize I’m staring at him this whole time narrating his life to myself in my head when I focus my eyes and see he is looking right back me with a goofy grin. Uh, great. Way to stay cool. So, I smiled back, rolled my eyes a little as if to say, haha I’m weird, no need to pay attention my way, and turn my head to the screen. Luckily, there are a few good previews to snap my brain out of whatever rabbit hole it was going down and focus on the film about to start. What’s weird is that this guy was totally laughing and reacting to the previews as if he was the only person in the theater. I mean, there was only three of us in there but still. I could feel myself being drawn to him and wanting to sit next to him but there was no way I was going to scoot all the way over to the other end of the row only to find out he thought I was weird and then for it to get awkward and I really just came here for the movie so I stayed put.

But then! He came over to me and sat down in the seat right next to mine just as the opening credits started. Without a word, as he looked forward, he just extended his hand toward me as if he had been doing it forever. I looked at his hand and he was holding an open box of junior mints just offering me one as if I was the kind of girl to just take candy from a stranger. I mean, there are my favorite movie time candy and I didn’t get any this time for some reason I don’t remember but still it was a bit presumptuous and I didn’t want to give him the wrong idea. What if I took one or two or five junior mints and I took the wrong amount. One or two could be polite but five or six could make look like a candy hog or something. I don’t even know if he had already put his hand in the box. Where his hands even clean? Did he care if my hands were clean?

But then! He shook the box in my direction as if to say, come on, you know you want some of my junior mints which I did but I was beginning to feel like the junior mints were really a metaphor for something else and I was still trying to pay attention to the film while keeping my head on straight with this candy situation. I figured I would be polite and deal with the fall out later, so I stuck my hand out palm up and he poured a small handful of the little balls of chocolate minty freshness in my hand. I whispered thanks and he whispered back you’re welcome.

Well now, I felt obligated to share what I had which is weird because I go to the movies alone for the specific purpose of not sharing. I see the films I want to see, eat the movie treats I want to eat, and bonus I don’t have to answer questions about the movie even though I’m watching it at the same time as the person with me because I make sure to see movies alone if at all possible. Especially, the ones I really want to see without distraction. This was supposed to be one of those films.

But then! He didn’t talk to me at all through the whole thing! He just reacted the same way I did throughout the film. No questions, no comments, no more sharing…I couldn’t believe it! Then, he sat through the whole credits until the lights came up. No one ever wants to do that. So now the lights are up and it’s the moment of truth. He turns to me and says, “You know, I’m kinda surprised you took the junior mints. How do you know I didn’t poison them or something before offering them to you? Or if my hands were clean?”

I was like, what the heck?! Poisoned?! But then he started laughing and saying he was just kidding but then seriously why did I take them. I told him I didn’t know but felt kind of obligated since he was offering them and they are my favorite candy to which he said they’re his too. Well, duh, I figured that. (I didn’t say that part to him but I just figured of course you wouldn’t buy candy unless you liked it otherwise it would be a waste of money and have you seen the price of concession lately?)

So, then we end up talking right there about the movie. What we liked (which was a lot), what we didn’t like (which wasn’t very much), and other films we like to see if we had any in common. We were getting pretty deep into the dynamics of the characters when the theater staff came in to clean and said we had to leave as they were closing down. We got our stuff, walked out of the theater into the night and just kind of stood there outside the door on the sidewalk.

We were safe inside the darkness of the theater talking about fictional characters while eating whatever junior mints and popcorn (no movie butter) were left over, but out here, we were just two awkward dorks who couldn’t decide what to do or say next. Luckily, as I began to turn away with the intent of saying thanks for the junior mints, he turned toward me at the same time and said, “Thanks for eating all my junior mints. They’re my favorite and I barely got to eat two. I guess you owe me a whole box next time.”

I was floored. “You offered them to me and I didn’t eat the whole box!” I may have squealed a bit while saying this which made me look like a teenage girl flirting with someone way out of her league but it came out that way and there was nothing I could do after it happened. He just stood there and laughed which I thought was kinda cool then grabbed my hand and said come on. Great. I’m now being kidnapped I thought as I happily went with him. Those junior mints probably were poisoned and now my guard is down and he’s taking me somewhere where the candy is going to kick in and I won’t remember a thing. I’ll wake up in some weird random place with half my clothes gone all because I couldn’t resist a cute smile and a fresh box of junior mints.

BUT, I did not pass out or wake up in a weird place without my clothes. We ended up walking around and talking for a couple of hours at least until we ended up in this grilled cheese restaurant. I was so hungry but trying to keep a smiling face on which was making me a little anxious and hangry but still, hello, new guy, must be nice and on my best behavior. We have so much in common and are having such a good time I don’t want to ruin it by revealing my true hangry self.

So, here we are at this grilled cheese restaurant he says is his favorite and I’m going to die once I eat the food. I’m like, I’m going to die if I don’t food period let alone from this place and I’ll probably take a few people out with me because I waited too long and vengeance without food will be mine! (Of course, I didn’t say that out loud because, hello, being nice.)  I mention how hungry I am and how there are too may many things to choose from so maybe I will just have the regular grilled cheese from the kids section which I think may have short circuited his brain a little bit because he literally froze for a whole minute staring off into the void.

Um…hello? (Which I didn’t say because I barely know this person and I obviously said something terribly offensive and now I’m wondering whether to sit here and wait for him to snap back or slink quietly away from the table?) But then he does snap back and then says, “Oh, I get it. You’re just like me. When I wait too long, I get hangry and then I can’t decide either.”

Is it possible to fall in love at first sight? Because this guy is doing it for me in so many ways. We barely know each other and yet it feels like we’ve been together forever. He knows me without even knowing me. How can that be? I’m not going tot question it lest I screw it up and then I will never forgive myself. I then picture myself with my arm stretched out while screaming “Noooooo!” as he slips away from me into a crevice of some kind and swept into nothingness by mist or smoke or whatever that stuff is in the movies. Me and my relationships in a nutshell. Not. This. Time.

“Yes, I am just like that!” I say thankfully and hopeful he will be there to rescue me in this land of grilled cheese bliss.

“I know just what to order. Leave it to me.” And I do because he is the one. He is the one I have been waiting for. Like Trinity waiting for Neo. Except my new guy isn’t fighting what’s real and what isn’t, he’s fighting for my hunger to be satiated. And that, my friends, is a battle few have survived to tell the tale. I cross my fingers that I haven’t built him up too high in my mind. Please pick something I like, please pick something I like, please pick something I like. My fingers are crossed under the table and I’m trying very hard not to appear weird but holding it together while being too hungry is hard.

A few minutes go by and he comes back to our table with a tray filled with what looks like a sample of mini grilled cheese sandwiches with a huge side of fries and a somewhat large dish of ranch dip. All of them are on gluten free bread he says so I can try all of them. (He thought of everything!) There are grilled American cheese and white bread, grilled sharp cheddar with apple slices, grilled Havarti with dill pickle slices, grilled ham and Suisse cheese, and even a grilled mozzeralla with sliced meatballs! I’m in grilled cheese heaven and these sandwiches are just like he said. I want to die as each one feels like home and a warm blanket on a winter night snuggling with my favorite person.

I don’t even know how we managed to eat all the samples of grilled cheese plus the fries but we did. As we were sitting there like fat cats after a thanksgiving feast, I realized I didn’t even know his name. Well now, this is awkward. I’ve eaten his junior mints, have talked to him for hours, just experienced the best food outing of my life, and I don’t know his name?! How am I supposed to ask now after all of this? But then I realize, wait. He doesn’t know my name either. How could he spend all this time with a girl and not know her name? (Ah, who am I to judge? I mean, it feels like we’re meant to be so I’m not gonna get hung up on knowing each other’s names.)

Literally, as soon as the thought leaves my mind he says, “Hey, I just realized we don’t know each other’s names. Weird, huh? On the count of three, we’ll say our names at the same time, okay?”

“Cool.”

“Okay, one, two, three! Mork!”

“Mindy!” Wait. What!? Mork? That cannot be right. “Did you say Mork?”

“Yeah, my mom had this thing for that show and she really liked Robin Williams so she named me after it.”

“So she chose Mork instead of Robin?”

“Yeah, she didn’t want me to get bullied for having a girl sounding name. Did you say your name was Mindy?”

“Yeah. You’re Mork and I’m Mindy.” I mean, it’s cute and weird but then he’s cute and I’m weird so it works, right? (Right?!)

“We’re Mork and Mindy, like the show, and you’re okay with this?”

“I mean, yeah, it’s your name and I totally like you. We’re having a good time and it’s weird and cute but…yeah.”

“Mindy, you’re so awesome. I love that you said that because that was a test. My name isn’t really Mork.”

“What?”

“I only tell women I like my name is Mork to see how they’ll respond and if they freak out, I figure they aren’t right for me. You’re the first woman to not freak out.”

“Really? So, what’s your real name then?”

“Josh”

“Cool! So, Josh, how do you feel about really big shrimp?”