Dancing on Saturdays

My mama once told me that death is the ultimate price to pay for life.

"Asher", she said, before stopping to take a drag out of her cigarette, Her perfect red lips parting for it. "Don't be afraid of pain. It's just one of the side effects of living". 

It's not fair, I think to myself, that the sun should rise as if it were just another day. Then I laugh at the absurdity of my thoughts. In every other way, it is just another day. With a sigh, I walk away from the window and drop to my floor, wincing as my body makes contact with the cold tiles. I haven't lay down on tiles since my mama picked me from my uncle's house on my sixth birthday. 

Memory is a funny thing, it can be as clear as the blue sky for one event and as blurry as a cloud for another. I remember the morning of my sixth birthday clearly. 

I was in the chicken coop gathering eggs for breakfast when I heard the sound of a car engine. In my curiosity I ran to the front yard to see who was calling on us so early. When the car door opened and my mother stepped out, her curly black hair like a lions mane around her head and her lips, as red as the juicy strawberries that grew in June, I gasped before my smile nearly split my lips.

"Mama!" I cried, running to her.

"Happy birthday Asher". She giggled and knelt to embrace me and I held on to her knowing fully well that seeing my mother was a treat I rarely got. 

"Diane"

My uncle stood at the door way, his face wearing the disgruntled look of someone who was rudely woken up. He walked towards us then paused after taking a few steps. Looking at the ground, he cursed and glared at me.

I followed his gaze to where the few eggs lay in a runny mess of yellow and clear white. Their shells doing little to protect them from the fall.

"Oh" I gasped and ran to the mess as if I could put them back in their shells. "I--" the words were cut short as the back of my uncle's hand met my cheeks. 

"Jeff!" My mother screamed.

He looked up, startled as if he had forgotten she was there.

"Well", he paused and pouted like a scolded child, "you know how things are. With the price of things and a fifth baby on the way, feeding an extra mouth is one thing, wastage is another" 

I risked a glance at my mother and could have sworn some of her lipstick had gotten all over her face. Quickly, I looked away and went into the house to get a rag. Although I tried not to eavesdrop, their voices carried all the way to the kitchen.

".....my son like that...."

"..child needs discipline and...."

"If you didn’t....just say so"

I inched closer to the door to hear better.

My uncle laughed. "Yeah right. And put him where?" My mother was silent for a while.

"Here is some money for fresh eggs. I'll send enough to cover all you've spent on him so far"

"You know I don't want your dirty money"

Footsteps approached the house and I tried to run. The door flew open and my mother stepped in. 

"Asher, go pack your bags" 

"What's going on?" My aunt asked, my two little cousin sisters stood by her legs, clinging to her.

"Diane, don’t be ridicul — oh, good morning honey” 

I looked from my confused aunt and wide eyed cousins to my nervous uncle and angry mother. 

“Take me to your room”. My mother finally broke the silence. Her tone gave no room for arguments so I led her to the little room I shared with my two older cousin brothers who were in boarding school. 

Few minutes later, my mother held a duffel bag in her hand, my precious belongings in it. I kissed my cousins goodbye and waved at my aunt while my uncle mumbled something under his breath. Before we left, my mother gave my aunt some money, it was discreet but I got a good look at the Bills, they weren’t dirty.

My mother took me to live with her in her one room apartment and that marked the beginning of the rest of my life. I didn’t really have friends at my uncles place but my cousins kept me company. Here, it was just me and my mother. We spent our days together, eating chocolate for breakfast and four nights a week, my mother would tuck me in, making sure I was nice and cozy, a jacket wrapped around her, and kiss me goodnight before going off to work. It never occurred to me that it was an odd time to go to work, all I knew was that for the first time in my life, I had my mother to myself and I loved it. 

One afternoon my mother came home with a package for me. It contained a slate and two pairs of white cotton shirts and khaki.

“You’ll be starting school next term" she said with a smile. I tried to match her smile but couldn’t. 

“What is it Asher?” 

“I – I don’t want to go to school" 

“Why not?” 

“I’ll spend all day in school away from you and at night, you’ll go out. Besides, I already know my words and numbers”

“Oh Ash". she paused and drew me closer to her. “suppose one day you decided to be a lawyer or a doctor, what will you do then?”

“I don’t want to be a lawyer or doctor. I want--" The truth was I wasn’t sure of what I wanted other than spending time with her.

“I want to do what you do"

She smiled then, but it didn’t quite reach her eyes.

“Really? And what do I do?”

I thought for a minute. In my mind she was a super hero, keeping the streets safe in the dark hours.

“What do you do?”

“I dance Asher. I dance" 

“Then I’ll dance too" 

She laughed then and ruffled my hair.

“Okay, you’ll go to school and we’ll dance on Saturdays”

So we started a new routine. With me going to school during the week and on Saturdays my mother would put on the radio and we would dance like no one was watching though there was always a certain grace and ease to my mother’s movements. 

One day when my mother and I were walking the short distance home from school, we spotted a puppy sniffing around a refuse bin. It was dirty, wet, and it’s long hair covered it’s eyes. 

“Oh no mama, look at that poor dog"

“Maybe he’s lost"

“He’s so tiny, he could fit into one palm” without thinking, I ran towards it. It ran away from me and my mother called out to me.

“Asher, are you crazy?” in an instant she was right beside me dragging me away.

“I just want to give him the rest of my lunch"

“No way. He’s probably aggressive and carrying a disease"

“Look at him--" he was watching from a safe distance, his ears flat against his head, back hunched and his tail wagging like a peace flag. “He doesn’t look aggressive to me"

She sighed. “fine. Drop the lunch on the floor then we’ll leave".

I did as she asked and made a mental note to leave some lunch for him everyday. 

One night, about three weeks later, it was raining heavily. The thunder woke me up and I knew I was home alone. I was used to staying home at night by myself and I knew my mother could take care of herself but my mind kept going back to the dog who was far away from home. Against my better judgement, I put on a raincoat and carried a flashlight. 

When I got to the trash can, I peered around but couldn’t see the dog. After a while I figured he must have gone in search of shelter and I decided to head back home when he came running towards me. Wagging his tail and panting. 

“Good boy, come here boy" I carried him and together we ran back home, safe from the angry sky.

“What on earth!” my mothers voice woke me up the next morning. 

“Asher, why is there a dog in my house?”

“oh, good morning mama" I scrambled to my feet.

“Why is there a dog in my house?” 

“How was your night?”

“Asher" her tone held a note of warning. 

“You saw the rain last night, it was so heavy last night and Cracker was out there so" I paused to catch my breath “I went to get him and -- "

“You did what? You left the house at night? In the rain? By yourself?”

“Yes" 

She closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose. I knew she was angry and I waited for her verdict.

“let’s go" she said to me. “come on, bring him along”

“No please don’t make me kick him out" 

“I have a headache Asher, don’t make me repeat myself” 

I blinked away tears and put on my shoes. As slowly as I possibly could. 

“Come here boy" he came to my side and I held him in my arms. The three of us walked in silence. When we reached his spot, my mother took him from my arms and dropped him gently. She held my hand and we turned back home. Cracker tilted his head sideways and looked for some seconds before following us.

“Tell him not to follow us"

“Go back Cracker. Go!” he whined pitifully and stared at me. I broke down in tears and knelt to carry him again.

“You have to stay here, I promise I’ll keep giving you lunch everyday okay but you can’t follow us". He licked my tears.

“You never should have brought him home” she shook her head and looked away. “You’re so impulsive, like your father”

It was one of the few times she mentioned my father without me nagging her. 

“He’s my only friend. The other kids won’t play with me because they said--" I couldn’t repeat what they said. “but he plays with me". He whined again in agreement. 

My mother squatted beside us. After a long while she exhaled. 

“I suppose one should never abandon a friend" she scratched him behind his ears. “well, just like that, we have a dog".

I threw my arms around her and cried, she smiled but her eyes were teary and Cracker barked and wagged his tail. 

The circus came to town on my tenth birthday. A week before my mother barged into the house waving a flyer. She was so excited I had to calm her down before I could understand what she was saying.

“circus curio is coming to town" 

“Yes. I’ve seen the flyers around”

“They’ll be putting on a show on your birthday, we could go see them. Oh it’s going to be wonderful, we’ll see the monkeys and watch the dancers, the clowns will make us laugh too and I’ll see all my friends. I wonder if Maestro tricks is still with them". she looked so dreamy eyed and excited I couldn’t help but count the days till my birthday. 

At last, the day came and it was as wonderful as I imagined. There was a white faced clown with a ridiculous red smile painted on his lips, there was a singing dwarf with a clear contralto voice, there were acrobats and dancers, two men performed tricks while standing on tall sticks and a woman danced with a huge boa constrictor. 

“Oh Ash, mama used to dance just like that" my mother said. My favourite however, was the contortionist. She was an average looking lady of slender build and at first I wondered what she was doing with the circus until she started twisting her body into all sorts of shapes.

After the show while everyone else left, my mother took me to the caravan. 

“No way! Guys, it’s Dancing Diane!” The red faced clown exclaimed as soon as he saw my mother. Soon, half of the circus was around my mother, hugging her and touching me. I stared wide eyed at everyone while my mother reunited with her friends. When they learned that it was my birthday, they took me on a tour, Gloria, the woman with the snake let me pet it. At first I clung to my mothers hand but she laughed and showed me it was safe to pet it. It’s skin felt like leather and it blinked at me with sleepy eyes. Teddy the clown put on a one man show for me and the two men on stilts took time to show me how they did . I wobbled and fell into their ready arms a couple of times before I got the hang of it and managed a few steps before falling again after which everyone cheered and applauded me. They sang a birthday song for me in their mismatched voices and Gloria gave me a “birthday candy”.

“I didn’t see Maestro tricks” my mother commented when the place was a little bit calmer.

The dwarf, Minnie, and Teddy exchanged a look before Minnie looked at my mother in sympathy.

“He left about five years ago"

“I see", my mother said

“And little Asher here looks just like him", Teddy added.

“Well, I better get going. Tomorrow is Sunday afterall"

I never understood why my mother insisted on going to church with me every Sunday when the members never failed to talk about how “a good woman ought to be married and keep the home" whenever they saw her. Once, when I asked her she just smiled and said, “I don’t know much about being good, but I know a little about being wise and it’s wise to ignore them and focus on why we’re there".

That night when we got home my mother called me. She brought out a dog eared picture and pointed at a man in a magician’s hat. 

“This is your father. And this”, she pointed at a younger version of herself, “is me right here. We met at the circus when I was seventeen. I was a wide eyed girl, hungry for the world around me and he was a great trickster, but his greatest trick was trying to love me" she looked at me sadly. 

“He wasn’t a bad man and he did try to be a father at first, but he didn’t know how so he stopped. I didn’t know how to be a mother either, and everyone told me it would be best for you to grow up in a normal family. Do you know what I did next?” 

she paused as if waiting for an answer so I shook my head. 

“I gave you to my brother and his wife. I haven’t danced in a circus since then but you know I dance in the theatre now. Dancing is all I’ve ever wanted to do and it’s not the thing people think it is.” She smiled and wrapped her arms around me. “when I’m dancing I feel like a free bird must feel in the sky and I hear the music in my soul”. She lifted my chin till I was looking into her eyes. 

“The only thing I love more than dancing is you and that, my dear boy, isn’t a trick” she kissed my forehead and put the picture away. We never spoke about my father again. 

I knew something was wrong the moment I stepped into the house because Cracker didn’t come to greet me. The smell of burning food filled the air and I followed it to the kitchen where I met my mother lying on the floor. I forgot how to breathe until Cracker barked. Working on instinct, I felt for a pulse and almost wept when I felt one. Everything was a blur from there. I remember, that I almost wept again when the doctor told me she had a malignant brain tumour in advanced stage and the only treatment option was surgery.

“Tell me doctor" my mother said, “will the surgery take care of the tumour once and for all?” 

“Well, it is our best bet”

“So it’s a gamble?”

“There is always a chance that it will grow back, yes"

“Tell me everything involved in the surgery"

Afterwards, my mother decided not to have the surgery. I cried, pleaded and threatened but her mind was made up. 

“Oh Ash, I was never going to live forever. Come here, let’s not fight" she lit a cigarette, a recent habit of hers to cope with the pain. 

“Once you’re born you’re bound to die. It is the final price to pay for life.” Her hands shook as she lifted the cigarette to her lips. “Don’t be scared of death, if you are you’ll never live. And Asher--" she paused to take another drag “don’t be scared of pain either. It’s just one of the side effects of living"

“I’m proud of the man you have become and when you go to college next year--"

“I won’t. I’m not leaving your side until--" I couldn’t finish.

She smiled. “Asher, promise me one thing"

“anything for you mama"

“Keep dancing on Saturdays” 

Cracker licks my face, jolting me back to the present then he stretches his weary old bones and walks slowly towards the window. The early morning sun is bright in the clear blue sky now and a bird perches at my window before spreading it’s wings and flying away. I blow it a kiss. Today I’ll bury my mother, tomorrow, I’ll dance.