Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

James was minding his own business, drinking his coffee and reading the paper. It was Sunday morning. His day off. His day to relax, maybe go outside and mow the lawn. If the weather wasn’t too hot.

“This time it will be different.” Liz said pleadingly sitting down on the couch next to James. Convincing him to try new things was always a challenge. Her track record wasn’t that good and she really needed something to go as planned.

“You said that the last time.” James said without looking at her. Saying no was easier if he didn’t look at her. Liz had a way with her eyes like a sad puppy or cute little kitten and if she curled her lip up slightly at the same time, James knew he was done for. He was a little curious though. “How will it be different?” he said nonchalantly taking a sip of his coffee.

“This time, I read the directions.”

Ha! James thought. He had heard that before. The last time she “read the directions” was for that entertainment center they bought from IKEA a couple of months ago. He put all the pieces together just like Liz had instructed. He put all the little wooden pegs into the holes just as Liz told him to. Sure, there were a couple of pieces left over, but Liz said they were optional. It looked solid. Sturdy. James was so proud to see it there in the corner of the living room ready. He had built something. They placed the tv—the brand new 55” flat screen QLED smart tv—gingerly onto the shelf part and stepped back to admire their handywork. Their 5-year-old son Jimmy ran into the room to see the progress and the vibration of his feet running on the floor caused the entertainment center to sway. There must have been a look of horror on James’ face as he watched the entertainment center lean to the right and fold like a house of cards taking the tv with it crashing to the floor. Liz claimed it wasn’t her fault. “The instructions are in a different language! It’s more like follow the diagrams! How was I supposed to know the big flat thin piece was the part that held it all together? I thought it was optional!” she said. They managed to put it back together including the flat piece in the back. The entertainment center does support the tv, which was thankfully unharmed in the melee, but if you look at it just right, from the right angle, you can see how something is not quite right with it.

Liz could sense James was reminiscing and said softly, “This time will be different. I promise.”

James couldn’t take it. All the memories began flooding back to him. All the failed attempts. Somehow, he and Jimmy always ended up on the wrong side of things. He still couldn’t look at her but he wasn’t going to fall for it.

“You mean different than the home tattoo kit?” James started as he put his coffee cup down on the coffee table. “It said to use the temporary ink until you got used the feel of the tattoo needle.”

“Yeah, they should have labeled those containers better.”

“You used the real ink and now I have a tattoo across my back in gangster font that says, ‘It’s Britney, Bitch.’ It’s there forever Liz.”

“How was I supposed to know? How hard could it be? Prisoners tattoo each other all the time…”

“Forever. I can’t go without a shirt on hot days anymore.”

“I said I was sorry. I mean, it does look cute on your back though.”

Liz didn’t seem sorry enough for James. He had to get through to her. “What about the time we bought little Jimmy a new bike and you thought we could save money and put it together ourselves? I’ll never forget watching him ride down the driveway and as he turned the handlebars toward the sidewalk, the front wheel rolling right off…”

“Hey, he got pretty far! Farther than I thought he would actually…”

“Six weeks in a cast, Liz.”

“I know. He was cute with his little cast and all the signatures on it from his friends.”

James looked directly at Liz. He was putting his foot down. It was for his and Jimmy’s health and safety that Liz be stopped. He folded his newspaper up dramatically and thwacked the table as he set it down trying to seem assertive. “You’re not allowed to put things together anymore.”

Liz’s face light up with hope. “But this isn’t putting things together!”

James was suspicious. “You’re not allowed to do anything permanent either.”

Liz smiled. “This isn’t permanent! It’s temporary!”

Liz is so pretty when she smiles all big and full of hope. That smile made James feel warm inside and also very nervous. He could feel himself caving under the pressure. “You can’t use Jimmy for this project. The doctor always looks at me weird when I take him in.”

Sensing an opening, Liz replied, “I’ll use you then!”

“Me?! Why can’t you do whatever you’re doing to yourself? I’m still recovering from the last debacle.” James said pointing to his back.

Liz softened her face and eyes. Her body slumped toward the back of the couch. She took her pointer finger and began caressing James’ arm up and down. Then, in a soft sweet voice she said, “This time it will be different. I read the directions very carefully. Plus… it’s more fun when we do things… together.”

Oh God, James thought, she’s using the voice. Stay strong James, he thought to himself. “I need to know what it is first.” He couldn’t believe he was even asking the question but her caresses did something to him.

“It’s so simple really. I don’t know why I didn’t figure this out before.”

I have some ideas, thought James. “Okay, what is it?”

Liz sat up slapping her hands on her legs. “Lather. Rinse. Repeat.”

James looked at her incredulously. “What?”

Liz’s face lit up like a light bulb being turned on for the first time. “Lather. Rinse. Repeat. I’ve been doing it wrong this WHOLE time! I’ve been lathering and rinsing but not repeating.”

James didn’t know what to say. “Are you out of your mind?”

“I’m sure it’s why my hair doesn’t look like the hair in the commercials.” Liz said holding her hair up to James to look.

“You think it’s because you don’t repeat?” James couldn’t believe this conversation was happening. This was a whole new level even for Liz.

“Yes! I’ve never read the directions before. How hard can shampooing be? You lather it in and rinse it out. Apparently, it’s more complex that that. I was cleaning the bathroom and putting the bottles back in the shower when something on the label caught my eye. I couldn’t believe it. Another step! There was also something about the amount to use but I can’t remember now. Pea size? Quarter size…?”

“You, are nuts. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. You can shampoo your own hair for this, Liz.” James stood up. “I’m going outside and mowing the lawn before it gets too hot.”

“Wait! I need you, Babe. I just want to see if it really makes a difference. Come on, you’ll get a nice scalp massage in the process…”

Liz was doing the caressing thing again but this time down his chest. He had to be sure before agreeing to anything. Shampooing seemed harmless but this was his hair on the line. “How many times do you repeat?”

Liz stopped cold. Her smile began to fade. “What.?”

“You said the directions said to lather, rinse, repeat. How many times do you repeat?”

“Are you kidding?”

“No. This is my hair we’re talking about.”

“What do you mean?”

James could see a crack in her plan. Miss confident didn’t seem so confident now. “I mean, how do you know you’ve repeated enough times? Does the hair feel a certain way? Does it look different somehow? Cleaner? Shinier?”

Liz was stumped. “I. Don’t. Know.”

Crisis diverted. “Exactly.” She wasn’t touching my head until she knew for sure, thought James.

“Wait!” Liz said desperately searching her mind for the answer. “I’m sure you only repeat once.”

James looked Liz square in the eyes. She looked sincere but he had to ask to be certain. “As sure as you were sure you used sugar instead of salt last Christmas in the cookies we sent to all of our friends and family last year?” It was a low blow, he knew, but it had to be said.

“That was an accident! The containers were not clearly marked. It was unfortunate but no one was seriously hurt.” Liz knew it was a low blow and he had to say it but it still stung. She knew she had a lot in her past to overcome but she was determined to make things right. “This time, it will be different. I’m surer than I have ever been in my whole life.” Liz knew she needed something to get her over the edge of doubt. “Except for the time I decided to marry you. I didn’t need to read the directions to do that.”

In for the kill, thought James. Well played. “Wow. Nicely done.”

“Thank you. What do you say? You up for some shampooing?” Liz was smiling again but this time with a twinkle in her eye.

The lawn can wait, thought James. “Alright. We can lather, rinse, repeat my hair; but that won’t be all we’ll be doing…”