Love Myself

Dear Diary, 

Why can’t I sleep? I’ve taken melatonin pills and tried controlled breathing but my mind remains in this state of unrest. Thoughts are running rampant through my head and I can’t seem to chase one long enough to figure out what it means. I’ve read countless pages of the novel that sits on my nightstand waiting to be finished, but it doesn’t give me any comfort. I’ve run out of options other than sitting here alone, writing in this diary. 

Why don’t my friends respond to my texts? There’s a question that has been haunting me all night. I thought that friends were supposed to be the people that you confide in when you need help. They are supposed to be there for you no matter what. I find myself asking myself am I enough for them? If I’m enough, then why do they treat me with such indifference? I heard someone say once that if your absence doesn’t bother them then your presence never mattered to them. I think I’m understanding that now. All I ever see is read receipts and dots, but never a kind text that I need. 

This leads to the next inevitable question; why do my friends treat me with such indifference? This I don’t believe I will ever find an answer to. I am always there. I am always there to be a shoulder to cry on. I am always there to fight their battles. I am always there to give them hope when they feel they are trapped in an everlasting dark. I poured out every last bit of me into these friendships that time and time again prove useless. They just leave me in this puddle of deep despair, thinking I am not good enough and I will never be good enough for them. 

Will I ever be deserving of a kind, healthy relationship? 

That is something only the future can answer. 

The thing is I could write paragraphs upon paragraphs of a text message to my friends explaining these feelings of anger, aggravation, and contempt to them, but they will never truly understand this. They will never truly understand how their indifference, whether it is purposeful or accidental, affects me and my mental health. When I don’t get a text back, I immediately think of what I could’ve done wrong to piss off the person who I sent a text to. Some of my friends have a list of people they’d rather talk to than me. My trust has been crushed and broken so many times that I think that I am such an unloveable person that I couldn’t even get a text back. How pathetic is that?

I find myself constantly degrading myself by sending paragraphs upon paragraphs of apologies to my friends listing every possible thing I could’ve done wrong in an attempt to try and fix the relationships that have been broken for so long. I never should send apologies for something that isn’t even wrong, like taking time to heal myself before I dive headfirst into a relationship that will damage me even more.  I know if I continue this cycle of overthinking and apologizing my friends will get tired of my constant apologies and high maintenance ways. 

But I still do it. I still give away my love to people who will only spit on it and throw it away. I still stay in the relationships that have caused me to stay up at night, wondering if I was good enough. I still apologize for something that I shouldn’t apologize for. I still try to tie together things that have fallen apart years ago. 

And here I am. Spilling out my deepest secrets to a book. My pen is my only confidante in this late hour.

And the truth of the matter is I am good enough. I may be broken, but I have glued myself together time and time again. I will continue to glue myself together until the day I die because that’s what humans do. I will forgive those people who have poisoned my mind with their toxicity and love them with all my heart and soul because that is what I do. 

I know I am not perfect. I will never be. But I will be the best friend I can be to those who decide to stick around.

I will continue to pour out my soul for those who are willing to listen. I will continue to heal when I cannot heal my own broken heart. I will lay down my coat for others to walk across a muddy puddle because that is how I am. I will sacrifice my own happiness for the sake of others because that is who I am. I’ve been torn and bruised, but my faults make me who I am.

I won’t sacrifice my kindness. Not when the world outside is already trying to tear me down constantly. I won’t surrender to the hate that threatens to kill the light deep within me. Although it flickers sometimes, it will shine bright. I hope someday I’ll spread the light to someone else. 

I just need to learn to love myself. I need to cherish the broken mess I am. If I truly loved myself, I wouldn’t be so doubtful. I would cut off those who poison my heart and I would be far more content with myself. 

No one will ever read this diary entry, but it sure did feel good to get out. I’ve had these feelings of anger and sadness pent up for years. These feelings of betrayal have led me to be a horrible person at times. Revenge threatened to devour the light that set me apart from those who hurt me. Writing all of this down feels as though a weight has came off my chest. This is a very healthy way to get rid of all of these feelings. 

I never thought I would say this but I’m glad my insomnia decided to personally victimize me tonight. 

-Fiona Murphy