Farewell To Friendship

The air in the wind is hitting a bit different tonight. Comfortable on the skin, yet firm in the breeze. Feels only natural to have them by my side. I love them both so much. The fact we are sitting here enjoying the views of the lunar light beaming on the flood of the sea… in complete silence. Means so much to me, and not easy to find others to do this with. Not only can I be completely myself around these boys, they have always been there for me. Ever since we met; feels like yesterday… as a cloud rises above me to take me back. I’m kidding. Although, I do have a very vivid memory of the day. They both caught me off guard. It was an immediate connection. It felt revolutionary, as if we had finally found each other. It seemed normal between us all to be together at last.

I sigh and turn to glance at Liam, “Well, isn’t this nice.”

He notices with a smile. Showing teeth, even. With a light chuckle underneath his breath, “Sure is, especially with you Vi”.

He’s flirting now. 

“Get a room.” Damon preaches with annoyance, “Or just you and I could get one Vi.” with a wink he says.

Typical.

I like that they call me Vi. My father would call me that as a girl. It makes me feel safe. They call me Viola, just not often. Only when trying to get my full attention. Which is honored every time, never fails to throw me off guard. They’re good at that.

I feel the heat in my cheeks begin to swell…they are handsome men. No denying that.

Brushing it off I suggest, “Let’s just enjoy this moment together, in peace preferably.” The ocean scent alone brings me abundant peace overall. We cannot help but appreciate what God has created.

“We are, we’re just glad you’re here.” Liam turns his head toward me, until we lock eyes… which didn’t take long.

Locked in now… he won’t move his gaze. I’m forced to look away, to think, to breathe. He lets out a sigh of his own.

They both confessed their heart to me just a few days ago. Same day too. Which gives me the idea they were talking about me to each other prior to the confessions. I had no right way to respond or be sure of how I felt. We are talking about my best friends, my only friends at that. Damon declared, I’m the reason he knows what love means now. That he only sees me in his future, and he cannot be without me. Which he never will, ever. I just have no way of being sure if he means in that sense only. In other words, my love for him is not romantic. I could only respond with “Thank you Damon… I love you too?” He threw his hands in the air and left. Liam would not even allow me to respond. He started off upset, coming off with frustration in his speech. I could hardly tell if he was mad at me or eager to kiss me. Until he ended it saying, I am totally and utterly in love with you Viola… then he walked out. My limbs grew weak after realizing what had just happened. I felt a shiver down my spine. My heart felt a hundred pounds heavier. So much that, there was an urge to grasp it with my hand attempting to ease the weight. Instantly I forgot how to swallow. My clammy hands protecting my mouth from speech was useless because either way, I was speechless. I sat there for a moment to gather my thoughts while grazing my lower lip with my fingertips.

Then it hit me. In awe with myself from never understanding my heart before, I have fallen in love.

I am in love with a man; his name is Liam Poulin. Interesting to me how his last name means chicken in old French. Irony at its finest. At first glance, he portrays himself to be kind-hearted and tender. Which he very much is, along with a profuse amount of strength in his heart. He’s a victim of allowing his past to define who is he is today. Yet he still manages to exude confidence with no hint of insecurity. That’s where the strength comes from. I was physically attracted the second I saw him for the first time. As well as Damon, except what I feel for Damon is only physical attraction. He is particularly good looking, although I cannot see myself as his life partner. Not to say, I could see myself as Liam’s life partner only after our initial interaction. He just made me feel something unlike anyone else has, I am not used to experiencing that often. It was a type of chemistry I knew has no potential in fading, only growing stronger by the minute. I have always only felt that way for Liam, always. I just thought he will never, ever engage anything with me. He has dated other girls while we have known each other. There was two as far as I know. Phoebe never genuinely loved him. She just liked having him by her side, as an item to play with. He broke it off after a few months, incredibly wise decision. There was another girl, cannot remember her name… Oh yes! Tara. I was not a fan. Hence why I blanked on her name for a second there. She cheated on him. Extremely poor decision she made. I doubt it left him heartbroken, maybe hurt. Only normal after having that happen to you in general. Right after it happened, his mood had no change whatsoever. He just accepted it and moved on.

My kind of man. So much confidence that nobody fazes your emotions. He never really said he was in love with them anyway. He came to Damon and me both times and blurted, “I met a girl I like; I’m dating her now.” Both times hearing that, my heart secretly sunk to my core to rest. Damon has dated too, just one girl. For about a year actually and she broke it off. Still unsure why, he refuses to say. I have no reason to expect him to either.

Yes, I have also dated in the duration of our friendship. There was a time I was “seeing” this guy. Not even official. We went on a few dates. I liked him. I just felt no butterflies. No sparks to fly, I guess. Maybe I am picky.

Point is, after hearing how Liam feels… game over.

Damon raises his view from the shimmering sea, to the night sky. With a deep raspy tone to break the quiet he wonders,

“The pier will close soon. Why don’t we stop by the carnival before it gets too late? We can have some blizzeroonies if you know what I’m saying” His smirk is doing way too much to actually assume we thought that was funny.

Liam and I glare at him, so he knows it’s a bad joke. Otherwise he will continue to think its funny.   

He means drinks, I’m assuming. Alcohol, perhaps? Not even sure at this point. Always talking like he is in his fifty’s already when we are all twenty-four.

“Good joke, I love it.” My eyes roll with a smirk, giving him a thumbs up.

“I’m serious! Why don’t we? Come on. We are right here by our place with nothing to do for the rest of the evening. Might as well Vi. Don’t be a snooze.” Now his eyes are rolling.

“I never said no Damon. I’m down.” Smiling big now, showing all my teeth in the most unflattering way.

“EW Vi there’s something in your teeth! Don’t smile like that, you’re making me sick!” Liam gags with tongue out and all. Forcing himself to choke on his own throat. So dramatic. Yet, cute I will admit.

“Bite me Liam. Do you want to go or not?” tilting my head in question for him. Widening my eyes to indicate I’m waiting. Tick tock. Ta-ta-ta-today junior.

“Oh, I’ll bite you baby. What else you want?” Liam adjusts his gaze on me until he catches my eye. Just to make sure I see he is checking me out, so annoying. Once he notices my reaction, he leaps from the sand. Kicking sand far enough to land on my face, specifically my eyeball. Which I use to see. Shutting my eyes for a moment to clear my vision. I look up to the boys running like children, almost tripping on their faces for the whole beach to see. Laughing alone at them, I jump up as well to catch up. And so, the night begins.

First things first, we enjoy some delicacies of the carnival. Including and most importantly, you guessed it, funnel cakes. America’s finest. Damon brought some delicacies of his own, to liven up the night. Edibles tend to be our go to. It hit me quick, before I knew it. I was flying with the breeze made for the stars. Higher than ever. The rides gave me tunnel vision. Cloud 9 never felt so good.

Liam keeps staring, he gets caught each time. Being smooth is not his forte. Damon too, I just nod in the awkwardness of it. Unsure of how to react to him. I cannot help how I feel, not my fault. I can’t tell Liam how I feel anyway. We will be ruined. Things would never be the same. I am just not sure of how much longer I can contain myself. Every time we touch, goosebumps lay over my skin like a blanket. My heart skips a beat to find another. I know he feels it too, it just so happens to be the worst part of it all. All while trying to make sure Damon will not notice our attraction for each other. He will be hurt. I have no way of explaining myself to him.

         We end the night on the most romantic ride of all rides, the Ferris wheel. It is very romantic, so cliché. Sitting close to your loved ones in a giant wheel, right above the sea on a beautiful night like this. Are you kidding? Super romantic. So of course, my nerves rise higher with anticipation. Until I have a literal stomachache thinking about Liam sitting close by me now that I know his heart. The ride clerk lets me in first, four people can ride in one. When I sit, I leave my view to the ground knowing what they must be thinking about. Uncomfortableness is overwhelming me at this point. I hear them whispering to each other in the distance.

Liam’s shoes are now in my view. I let out a sigh of relief, for some reason a part of me wanted Liam to sit first. Even though they both are forced to sit on each side of me. The uncomfortableness wore away once we are all in. Our conversation turned to laughs, we created a memory on that Ferris wheel. For me at least, it will always be. The type of joy I experience with these boys, not easy to explain. Liam kept peeking at me every time I laughed or smiled. His smile is great, it really is. Shines bright, you can’t miss it. You won’t want to. Believe me.

         Soon after, we went back to their place. Roommates who might as well be brothers. They have known each other long before we met. We met the day I turned twenty, they grew up together. It’s a different type of relationship between the two of them, compared to the one between all three of us. Apart of me is jealous, wishing I were there too to experience life with them from the beginning. Not sure where I would be right now without them. They are all I have. My life has changed since them.

“Why don’t you sleep over Vi? You were drinking too. *hiccups* We could uhm- we could- make a bed for you?” Damon blurts with no recognition of his own drunkenness. I grab his hand, to rest my head on his shoulder.

“Just go to bed man. Vi and I are wide awake, I can make a bed for her. You need to go sleep that off.” Liam grabs Damon by the arm to drag in the room. Damon waves at me with a sincere smile, mouthing “good night”.

Left to grin on my own, just while Liam puts him to bed. I then realize, Liam and I will be alone now. Great, now I forgot how to breathe again. I am still a bit high; I have been drinking also. I feel vulnerable. I feel sincere and open. He must know I feel the same way, he must.

He comes back with a cozy blanket and some waters.

“Let’s get comfy, ya? Want to watch a movie?” He says with a casual tone and the biggest grin.

Nothing casual about this boy, you say you love me and act as if nothing happened!

What should I expect though really?... He loves Damon too.

“Sure”, I stop there. Bringing my gaze to the ground once more.

He gently lifts my chin with just one finger. My body is increasing in flames. Feeling it all once, my heart begins to quicken beneath my chest. I reach for my heart, and our eyes meet.

Everything stops.

“Vi. I- well, I- uhm” he murmurs with our eyes still attached.

“You don’t have to explain yourself Liam”, I can only feel it coming up like vomit…

We inch closer and closer to each other. He grabs me to pull even closer.

His warmth, I feel so safe.

“Let’s just sit like this for a moment”, he whispers.

I hear his heart thumping underneath my ear. Tranquility overwhelms me completely.

I have to say something… despite Damon’s heart for me. I am grateful he loves me; we’re just not meant for one another. I know it. Liam… on the other hand, is different. Is it worth it? I wonder, my heart can only take so much. She told me herself.

“Liam”, I begin to pause.

“Yes, Vi.” He adjusts our position on the couch so he’s facing me directly. His eyes have a hint of hazel in them, only looking back at me with a soft glare.

Hesitant, I breathe one last time. It is difficult to even look him in the eye to confess my heart. I just might explode.

“I just want you to know that, - I um. Sorry, I just don’t know how to let this out or comprehend what you’re making me feel.”

“What do I make you feel?”, he cuts me off with concern.

Looking up, wanting to look no where else but in his eyes. My hearts racing. Thoughts are going a million miles an hour. We scoot a little closer. My skin is boiling from his touch. He rubs my thigh with ease, making circles with his thumb. Leaving my thoughts inappropriate, hoping his are too. He then moves his hand up to my arm, I enjoy every inch of his tingling touch. My eyes close to take in this wonderful moment I’m in. He caresses my skin with patience and firmness. I scoot even closer, with nothing to hear but the brushing sounds of our skin complimenting one another. His hands reach for my back, massaging the nerves he notices in me. Making me feel helplessly calm. His eyes are now closed, all while admiring my body with his incredibly soft touch. Our faces align, cheek to cheek. We stop for a breath. I move my hand to his hair, running my fingers through his brunette silk like waves. He lets out a faint, “mmm”.

Nothing else matters in this moment, but us. He grabs my chin, to reach his. Our lips grazing over one another, breathing into each other. Not totally kissing, until I lean in. The strength of his lips radiates throughout my entire being. Never wanting the moment to end, our kiss prolongs. Losing sight of where I am in the moment, only craving more of him. It all is very gentle, no forcing, and natural with comfort. We keep stopping to breathe each other in, I want to say it. Give me more.

I tilt my head away, so my lips reach to peck his cheek. He smiles.

“Sweet, like those lips.” He chuckles, adjusting to a serious tone.

He confesses once more, “I love you Vi. I mean it. I really do. I really am sorry it took me so long to figure it out. I get if you don’t want anything serious but I- I can’t help how I feel. You had to know. Damon knows how I feel about you. Apart of me believes he feels the same way too, but I am willing to ask for his forgiveness if necessary. I just love you; I cannot contain it anymore. I won’t.” He pauses, showing his heart is troubled he brings his view down.

I reach for his hand, to admire his touch. He uses his other hand to wrap mine into his. My head falls to his shoulder.

I give up.

“Liam I-… I was trying to be a good friend. I was fearful of ruining my relationship with the both of you. That is all that has been holding me back from telling you this. You both mean so much to me… there’s no easy way to reveal where my heart stands. You must know that I…”

I raise my face to look into those ocean eyes to regain my courage before I continue,

“I’m in love with you Liam”, was all I could come up with to admit my mutual burning love for this man.

Now he knows.