The Burden

The Burden

– This is our third session, Gerra, you still haven’t told me what that monstrous burden of yours is all about.

– Is it vitally necessary for you to know? Isn’t my feeling towards it just enough for your professional opinion?

– I’m afraid not.

– Alright… Alright… I’ll try to explain it as simply as in my powers. I see people for who they are, I feel people for who they truly are.

– You see them? Do you have vivid visualisation, like in colours, certain non-present features?

– Are you subtly asking me if I have hallucinations? No! It’s more of a gut instinct, of an aura, at first…

The monstrous burden I call it, sometimes not so much, sometimes I can have a little fun with it, take advantage of a person’s weaknesses. Other times it makes me lose hope in humanity. It made me see humanity for what it really is, all these wars, violence, neglect are only the visible side of its ugliness.

Take that man behind me in the queue for coffee today, any perceptive person to scrutinise him would have regarded him as a respectful caring family man with his genuine bow and a warm smile. He did apologise after almost bumping into me, having no idea the quality of distress he brought me with just one genuine glance. Sometimes just one glance suffices to feel it. I flinched and tapped my wrist immediately to beware of my pulse. I started feeling the pain of constant fear, even his glance brought such instinct of atrocity. I could feel the little left-over traces of his rage when he pressed his fist onto his wife’s knuckles a little too hard.

– The most painful part is standing in front of a mirror every day, seeing myself, but not feeling who I am.

– It’s more than normal to feel lost at this stage of life. Aren’t you done with your internship? Now finding no strength to make life-determining choices?

– I’m not talking about such meaningless stress-provokers. I mean deep inside, I don’t know who I am, I don’t know what choices I’d make if I was stranded on an island, or stuck in a prisoner’s dilemma, or any other world vs. loved one dilemma.

– But you believe you see or feel what choices other people would make in those situations? What would I do, for instance?

Dr. Mauricia Fleming is one of those supposedly stabilised established women. Her life is so dull she often craves for adventure, adrenaline, aggression, blood. If one of her children was on one plate of a weight scale as opposed to the rest of the world, her child would outweigh not out of immense love, but thirst for watching the world burn. Luckily, she doesn’t let the world burn, she feeds off of her patients’ suffering, detailed turmoil. I can feel how much she enjoys my sense of being lost.

– I think deep down everyone knows their answers to these dilemmas, though no one’s ever brave enough to announce them out loud. It baffles me why I’m not capable of finding those answers in me.

– Perhaps we could start discussing your family.

My family, I drove them away the moment I realised my burden. As if all that neglect and pretending wasn’t enough to speak for their true nature, I decided not to see into them.

My brother had it all sorted out, so confidently, so envy-provokingly I’d never even bothered to have a proper relationship with him. He made me see into my own self, how chaotic my life was, how uncertain my future and I hated him for it, for all of his plans and accomplishments and self-posture. No, he wasn’t the one to bring harm to me, but my own self that had never allowed even a tinge of self-confidence and self-love. I’ve always thought self-love was about egoism, self-centricity.

– What would you like to know about my family? I ring them up on every holiday, wish them well.

– Describe the relationship you have with your mother. A girl’s identity, system of choices is often defined by the relationship with her mother.

And my mother, she was the most painful one to distance from and the most painful one to face. Even before my burden, the idea of facing her had been daunting.

I remember when I was about five, we met my new-born cousin, a beautiful heart-melting baby and she asked me if I loved her. The question puzzled me and she saw right through it, her eyes pierced right through mine, all the way to my soul perhaps, assuming my disability to love.

At that moment anxiety didn’t let me provide explanations, but it did let her see me for who I really was, someone incapable of love, a cold being. I wish I’d opened my mouth and defended myself and say that it wasn’t my incapability of love, but inability to understand and embrace the concept of it.

– We’re on good terms, no bad blood.

– Describe good terms. You would choose her instead of the world, given the dilemma?

– Well, we rarely have disagreements, fights.

– I’m not interested in what she doesn’t do.

– She’s always supported me and encouraged me to be a good student and set foot on a decent career path.

– Sounds like she’s always told you what to do, perhaps that may be the reason you feel so lost.

– I don’t like you judging my family solely based on my tellings.

– Alright, we can move on to your friends then.

Laughter, heart-felt throat-choking breathless laughter, I don’t remember the last time I laughed sincerely. It wasn’t my burden that made me drive my friends away, I’d already known them inside out. They were the ones to drive me away. They did cause me to laugh sincerely, didn’t they? But that was it, the definition of our friendship, we used to dive into pretending that everything was alright so deeply we used to forget the reality, the real pains and giggle in such a heart-felt throat-choking breathless manner. And whenever I brought up how I was feeling, or was forced to feel, they called me selfish. They didn’t even want to bother to understand me, so they chose the easier path, ignorance. I don’t resent them for their choice, it’s simply who they are and it was my choice to befriend them in the first place.

– You’re a clever woman, Dr. Fleming, would you find it wise to have friends in my place?

– In your place, meaning with your “monstrous burden”? Oh, dear, I’m afraid you’re mistaking perception with understanding and acceptance.

– I understand those concepts clearly enough to conclude I am neither understood, nor accepted. There are no lenient and candid people walking around anymore.

– I hate to break it to you, Gerra, that there have never been. Perhaps, you have to start wondering whether that monstrous burden of yours is just an excuse for not being understanding and accepting yourself.

– I don't pay you to judge me!

– Alright, I believe it’s the end of today’s session.

– See you next week, Dr. Fleming.

– Oh, before you go, can I ask you something? Free of charge, of course.

– Sure.

I start wondering, without my sight and feeling, what kind of a person it makes her when she asks:

– What kind of a person do you feel me to be? Am I a good one?

And I start wondering, without my sight and feeling, what kind of a person it makes me when I reply:

– Yes.