After High School

Monday, day 1:

I woke up at noon. It's been a month since high school ended. And three weeks since I got rejected by my two dream schools. I had no back up, nothing else lined up. I was depending on this to work out, I had high hopes that everything would fall into place, and two months from now I'd be on campus. But now, I don't even know what I'll be doing in two months.

Hopefully, a job.

Wednesday, day 9:

I applied for multiple jobs, and only got a call back for one. Good old, reliable McDonald's. Everyone gets their first job there, and free food! It's a bonus! And a good distraction until I am able to apply for other schools.

It's not ideal, I'm still bummed I'm not going to attend my dream schools, but hey, it is what it is.

At least I have this job to fall back on. It'll be a nice way to make some extra money.

Friday, day 11:

Well, I didn't get hired. How did I not get hired? EVERYONE gets hired!

It was another day sleeping until noon. Mum says I need to stop that, but I'm just so tired lately.

Tuesday, day 17:

I watched my best friend, Tom, leave early for Yale. He got in right away, I knew he would. He was smart. He'd often tutor me whenever I needed the extra help - I wasn't dumb at all, but history wasn't my best subject. There's just too much to remember.

I was happy that he was going off to live his dream. I waved him off with a big smile.

But...it felt fake. I felt an anger towards him for leaving, while I was stuck here, doing nothing with my life. I wanted to punch something, yell at the top of my lungs. Why did he get in and I didn't? Why is my future on pause while he gets to go out and live?

It's just not fair.

Friday, day 26:

I applied for a bunch of other schools. I just have to get into one. Just ONE.

I don't know what to do if I don't get in...

Sunday, day 32:

Half the schools got back to me, I didn't get in. I....didn't....get....in. How could this happen? Each time I opened the rejection letter, I could feel tears swelling up in my eyes. I wanted to cry harder than I've ever cried before. But nothing would come out.

I stayed in bed for the rest of the day. I didn't feel like doing anything, I just wanted to sleep. My mum didn't like that, and tried to get me out of bed, but couldn't. I was a stubborn guy.

Cross your fingers for the other half going well. I NEED it to go well...

Tuesday, day 40:

It's official, no school wants me. What's wrong with me that I can't get into ANY school? My grades were decent, I didn't get into much trouble throughout high school. Sure, I could have done some more extra curricular activities, but I didn't think that would matter much. It SHOULDN'T matter much.

Since finding out, I've been feeling something I've never felt before. I don't know what it is. Sadness? Anger? No. I feel....empty. Useless. Just a speck of dust on this planet. Unimportant, and always gonna be unimportant. If a school didn't want me, why would anyone else?

Thursday, day 42:

Tom messaged me. Sent me tons of photos of his campus, his dorm room, even told me about his roommate. They get along. They seem to be becoming fast friends, and probably soon...best friends.

Tom was my best friend since we were in diapers. Why did I think it would be a forever friendship? Of course he'd find someone new when he left for college. Someone smarter, someone better.

I hated his roommate. I hated his roommate more than anyone. And I hated Tom.

How could he show off all his luck, rub it in my face, while I was stuck back home with nothing.

I can't handle it anymore.

I'm going crazy.

Saturday, day 62:

Mum forced me to go out with her and dad. She took me to my favourite fast food place (NOT McDonald's, those assholes). I think they knew how upset I was by this. Being rejected over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over hurt. It stung so bad, made me doubt everything about myself.

I hate myself.

I hate that I can't do anything right.

I hate that I'm not smart enough.

I hate that my parents think a quick meal is going to fix everything.

I hate how clueless they are.

I hate college.

I hate rejection letters.

I hate Tom.

And his roommate.

I hate...life.

Monday? Day 79? 80?

My bed has become my comfort. I don't leave it, ever. This is where they're gonna find my decomposing body. I sleep most of the day, awake most of the night. I'm always tired.

But what's the point in caring anymore?

I don't care.

Friday?, Day 103?

I've lost track of time. Every day seems to blend together. I used to be able to tell the days by the sounds of my parents downstairs. If I heard them making coffee and having a quick chat before it became quiet, I knew it was a work day. Monday to Friday. But if I heard the television and laughter, it was the weekend.

They have a set routine that I easily became familiar with.

Or...WAS familiar with.

Now, I barely pay attention to what sounds are coming from where. I no longer care to hear the television, or the sound of the coffee maker. My mothers laugh once brought me joy and warmth, but now...it's annoying and shrill.

I can't stand how happy they are.

Happy without me.

Maybe they'd be better off without me?

Wednesday? Day 128?

Waking up is hard. Mum told me I needed to start a routine, to get my life back in order.

I told her to fuck off.

It was the most interaction I've had in a while. They stopped coming in, and I stopped going out. I didn't need to see them. They didn't need to see me.

Monday? Day 141?

Wednesday used to be my favourite day of the week. It's when my favourite TV show would come on. It's on tonight, but I haven't seen it in so long, it just doesn't interest me anymore.

I wish it did.

I really do.

I miss laughing at the wacky characters, oogling the pretty girl in the short skirt. Relating to the main character. I miss it all, but I just don't have the energy to care anymore.

Saturday? Day 146?

It's Friday today, I could tell because I heard my mother on the phone with her sister; my aunt. She usually did that at the end of the week, to update her on life and what's been going on, and my aunt to do the same to her.

They were close. Seeing them always made me wish I had a little brother.

But now....I don't. I wouldn't want him to see what a disappointment I am. I'm already one to my parents, to my entire family. I couldn't be one to my imaginary brother (who I often named Jack).

I didn't mean to eavesdrop, but my ears picked up my name. I know she's talked about me before, but she was usually quiet, like she didn't want me to hear what she had to say about me.

Usually, that meant it wasn't good.

Thursday? Day 160?

What day is it? I don't know. I stopped checking my phone. No one calls me, no one texts me. It's my own fault, of course. I know that.

I do the same thing over and over again. I'll break down my schedule.

-Wake up at.....who knows? Sometime when it's bright out.

-Use the bathroom, cause I still need to go.

-Stay in bed, usually looking at the ceiling.

-Mum leaves food outside my bedroom door. Sometimes I take a new bites, otherwise I get dizzy. But I never eat it all. I can't stomach it.

-Sleep.

-More bathroom time.

-Sleep. But this time with music. Loud. Angry. Music.

-Repeat.

I do this every day. Every single day.

Wednesday? Day 215?

I can't do this anymore. The emptiness is swallowing me more and more each day. I can't remember the last time I felt happy, I can't even remember what day it is. Or what month it is. How does one lose track of that?

Is it Monday? Friday? Is it the weekend? Is Christmas coming up? I have no fucking idea anymore, and it's driving me crazy. I used to have control over my life, and now....now it's nothing. I am nothing. I can't stand it.

I feel like I'm going crazy.

I pushed away my parents, I pushed away my friends. I have no one. I AM no one.

How do I end this? I want there to be structure again. I want to feel something. I want to smile, and laugh. Hell, I want to cry. Long and loud, without caring who saw or heard.

I just want things to stop blending together.

I want life to go back to how it was before. I want ME to go back to how I was before. How did I get this low?

It needs to end.

It will end.

Friday? Day 218?

dear mum and dad. you two are Going to see me happy again, I pOmise. I will work hard to make you prOud of me. I know things got out of control, but I'm working Day and night to fix it. things didn't go according to plan But that doesn't mean you need to worrY about me or blame yourself. you two are the best parEnts a son could ever have. you love me for who i am, whIch i know isn't an easy thing to do, Laughable, really. Please dOn't be mad at me for being Very distant, things just got rough. but i'm doing my bEst. i hope you know how much i love You and dad, and am overjOyed that yoU two are my parents.