The Bug Queen

“Grow up.” Elizabeth paused and absorbed her daughter Eloise’s words. “Each time I try and tell you how I feel about medical school, you immediately change the subject. You don’t want to face the truth. So grow up.” Elizabeth paused, took a sip of her mai-tai, gave out a small sigh and said "oh." A breeze from the shores of Waikiki beach in Hawaii hit the couple. They were sitting under the gigantic Banyan tree of the Surfrider Hotel. Elizabeth sighed and averted her eyes to the horizon, where she was greeted with a sunset. Was she being immature? It was hard for her to feel like the immature one after raising Eloise from birth.

Elizabeth always felt the need to protect Eloise, although she questioned if she needed saving. Eloise was in fourth grade when she got into her first fight. Kids often find eclectic things to obsess over, and Eloise was no exception. She started collecting rocks in the planters during recess but eventually moved on to catching bugs. In the morning, Elizabeth would find jam in the trash can and Eloise would come back after school with small jars filled with spiders, beetles, and other bugs.

One day Elizabeth was picking Eloise up from school when she noticed that a group of girls yelling at Eloise. Eloise was clutching a pair of jars and the girls started screaming “Eloise the weird bug girl” and dancing around her. Elizabeth’s first instinct was to get out of the car and run to her daughter, but before she had time to do it, Eloise proclaimed, “I’m not a bug girl, I’m a bug queen” and proceeded to open the jar with spiders in it and flung the spiders in the direction of the girls. The girls shrieked in terror and Eloise started making buzzing noises like a dragonfly.

The crashing of waves against the shoreline brought Elizabeth back into the present. “Eloise, it’s hard for me to come to terms with your decision. Medical school is something you have spent your whole life preparing for, thinking and dreaming about. I have this vision for you and your future.” ”Mom, you know how much I love you. But truthfully, do you want me to go to medical school because you want to be proud of me? Do you want to brag to all your friends about how your daughter is a doctor?”

Elizabeth paused. Explaining this to her daughter she thought might be difficult. “Of course I’ll be proud of you, and of course I’ll brag to all the other moms at our happy hour! That’s what us Chinese moms do. But Elizabeth, more than that I want you to be safe. I don’t want anything in this life to hurt you. A career as a doctor can make you safe.”

Elizabeth came from a small farming village in China. She grew up poorer than Eloise could ever imagine and she had shielded Eloise from the difficult truth of her upbringing. Her early childhood, however, was very warm and loving. She recalled her dad or Baba propping her up on his shoulders and running through the fields in the morning before he went to work. Baba would sing to her to sleep at night. Each night, Elizabeth would secretly stay up and wait for him to turn off the light and say, “I love you my sweet Elizabeth.”

One night she noticed that Baba had stopped singing midway through the lullaby. Elizabeth looked down and gasped: he had collapsed and there was a pool of blood around his head. Her mother rushed in and screamed. She quickly left and called the paramedics but it was too late. On that day Elizabeth lost her Baba. At the funeral her mother kept repeating to herself, “what should we do now, what should we do now.”

From the moment her father passed, life was hard on Eloise and her mom. Her mom did her best to support them, taking jobs as a housekeeper and nanny. Eloise would try and contribute by cooking and cleaning. Her mom knew that this wasn’t a sustainable way for them to live and convinced herself that the only path forward was to find another husband and father for Elizabeth.

Although Elizabeth’s mother was beautiful, she was a widow with a daughter. The first man that Elizabeth brought back to their house barely acknowledged Elizabeth as they moved into the bedroom. Elizabeth’s mother told her to be good- she would be gone for a moment. Elizabeth waited in her room for her mom to kiss her goodnight but she never came. The next morning, Elizabeth woke to the sound of a car starting: the man left. She walked to the kitchen where she saw her mom and the table.

“Little Elizabeth, when I first had you I was so worried. I was worried because I wanted to protect you. I didn’t want the brutality of this world to swallow you up. I wanted you to sing, to laugh, and play with your friends. But as you’ve gotten older I realize that I can’t protect you from everything. You’ll have to learn to protect yourself. I know you will be able to. You are a beautiful and smart girl, Elizabeth.”

The sounds of the waves crashing against the rocks brought Elizabeth back to the present. Eloise was staring into the ocean, deep in thought. A firefly danced in front of them and Elizabeth proceeded to try and catch it. Eloise started laughing, “Mom I thought I taught you better than that. You have to attract the firefly with light, like this.” She took the candle from the table and brought it carefully to one of the fireflies. The firefly proceeded to follow her right into her hand.

“That’s amazing daughter. Although I should expect nothing less from the bug queen.”

Eloise stood up. She started slowly saying, “Mom, I know you want me to be safe. But I do feel safe, you make me feel that way.”

“Thanks Elizabeth, you make me feel safe too.”