Funny Science Fiction Fiction

Do you feel tired? Lonely? Overworked? Then I have the solution for you!

Riley Hayes here for Empath-51. The IDA approved tablets to suppress your logic and make you feel all your emotions all the time!

Do you ever get up in the morning feeling worn out but you drag yourself to work anyway? Not with Empath-51! Don’t let your logical brain force you to work. If you're tired Empath-51 will help you stay in bed guilt free!

Who doesn’t go to work and feel obligated to put in a few extra hours at the end of the day? Is that your logical brain forcing you to do more to get that promotion or raise? Not with Empath-51! If you feel like your day should be over, it is! You’ll follow your feelings without a care in the world with Empath-51. Incredible!

Lots of people go to bed every night without telling their spouse how they feel. I know I do, ha! Not with Empath-51! You’ll never withhold your feelings about another person again! You’ll tell your spouse, your boss, your neighbor, even your kids! You’ll never be held back by worries or fears that their feelings will get hurt or that you’ll get punched in the mouth. Wow!

Empath-51 is your solution for everything related to how you feel!

In fact, Empath-51 users report better sleep, more time spent socializing, and work 80% less on average! How is that for life-improving technology? Amazing!

Empath-51! I’m on it right now! Think about that, folks. This pitch is motivated by pure feeling! There is no logic here, I’m not doing this because it makes sense. I’m not doing it for money! I took Empath-51 and I feel compelled to share it with the world! Yes!

If you act right now by clicking the link below, we will throw in 10 of our patented EmpathyCore serum injections for the low price of four installments of $99.99 with our lowest ever introductory loan rate! You can’t beat that, folks.

Our core serum was last year's most popular product. It locks in your empathy at insanely high levels and suppresses logic for up to 60 days! We’re practically giving it away!

But wait, there’s more! In addition to our brand-new Empath-51 and 10 free injections of EmpathyCore serum, the next 100 customers will receive our original gravity blanket absolutely free! With Empath-51 you’ll be spending a lot of extra time in bed and relaxing at home and we want to make sure you’re as comfortable as possible with our gravity blanket. That’s an extra $50 value, absolutely free for the next 100 customers!

This is it folks! Sleep better, work less, enjoy life more with Empath-51. Click below to secure your first dose of Empath-51 now!

Riley Hayes here for Empath-51. Did I mention I’m on it right now?! That’s how you know it’s good folks! I’m one hundred percent emotionally motivated right now and here I am to let you know how much Empath-51 will improve your life!

Oh wait. It’s hitting me kind of hard right now. Riley Hayes here for Empath-51. Wow, is that a tear you just saw rolling down my cheek? You bet it is! That’s because I’m not burdened by logic or ideas.

I’ll be honest with you all. I just took a double dose of Empath-51 and I am really feeling emotional right now. I’ve also had two shots of EmpathyCore serum this month and it is boosting my emotionality to just astronomical levels. I feel amazing! Also, I feel sad sometimes but those are the deep, rich, incredible feelings waiting for you with Empath-51.

Yeah, yeah. Sorry, just give me a second. Yes, I am really crying right now. That just shows you… I apologize, just give me a second here. That just shows you… it shows you how well it works. Empath-51, I’m so sad right now. I really don’t know why.

Whew! Okay, deep breaths. Riley Hayes here for Empath-51! I know you all just saw me break down sobbing just now but that just shows the full range of emotions waiting for you in your first dose of Empath-51. Let me tell you folks, it may look bad but it feels great. The weight you will feel lifted off of you after a cry like that. Phenomenal!

You’re gonna love it folks. And with Empath-51, when you love something, let me tell you, you will really love it! Outrageous!

It’s outrageous how incredible you’re going to feel on Empath-51. And don’t forget, it’s IDA approved so you know it’s one-hundred percent safe for you and your family. For the next 20 minutes all orders of Empath-51 come with an additional bottle of Empath-51 Kids! That’s our specially formulated child-sized dose to help unburden your children of their logical selves. Set your child free with Empath-51 Kids!

Here we go folks, Riley Hayes here for Empath-51. We are in the last hour of our programming. Don’t forget, if you order now, you’ll get our brand new Empath-51, 10 injections of EmpathCore serum, a free gravity blanket, and an entire bottle of Empath-51 Kids. You can’t beat that deal anywhere else. Remember our financing loan rate is our lowest ever! You’ve never been able to feel more feelings at a lower price. Never!

Let me tell you folks, Riley Hayes here and I feel incredible! I’m all jacked up on Empath-51 and I’m feeling all the feelings at once! You’ve seen me laugh, you’ve seen me cry. You’ve seen how great Empath-51 can be for you! I want to go home and kiss my wife! If she doesn’t want to kiss me, I’ll tell her how I feel about it and I don’t know what might happen but it will be great!

All this could be yours for our lowest price ever! Cast that pesky logic aside with Empath-51 and let your emotions guide you to a better, more connected, more emotional life today! It’s for a limited time only so act now to get your Empath-51 and feel how your life will improve!

Whew! I am exhausted! I can’t stop crying! This has been Riley Hayes for Empath-51, I need to go home and take a nap. Somebody get me a tissue!

November 12, 2022 17:14

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Wendy Kaminski
21:42 Nov 23, 2022

This is hilarious! You have a fantastic sense of humor, and I love the telemarketer-style treatment of this topic... especially cracked up at the "Whew!" portions. Well-done on conveyance. :) Will definitely check out more from you!


Os Cole
17:48 Nov 25, 2022

Thank you for the positive feedback! I've been trying to employ some narrative styles that diverge from the typical first person/third person structures. I took the week off due to the U.S. holiday but I'm trying to come up with an idea for this week's Charles Darwin prompt.


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