Four Walls with A Thousand Secrets

Trigger warning: depictions of rape

Adira stood in front her childhood home, not fully understanding the numbness within her soul. The dark blue paint was barely visible on the shutters outside the cracked windows. The fence was broken in several places and leaned towards her as if inviting Adira into their lair. The lawn was coated in cigarettes and beer cans destroying the once beautiful garden in the front yard. One of the front windows was completely shattered capturing a draft of air that made it sound as if the house was whispering all of the secrets it had witnessed. There was a single oak tree in the front yard with its bare branches unmoving. Adira had loved that tree more than anything. She was the only one in her family that could climb its branches without falling. She would always climb up as high as she could and know that she was safe from anyone’s grasp.  

Adira fought the numbness and forced herself to move slowly towards the back of the house. She managed to yank off a couple of boards off of the fence posts so that she could squeeze through. Approaching the sliding glass door, she took a deep breath and opened it with little effort. The air was thick with the smell of dust and mold. It was the first thing that hit her causing her breath to catch. She closed her eyes stepping into the abandoned house and waited for her eyes to adjust to the darkness and her lungs to adjust to the air. It had been about thirty years or so since anyone had lived within these walls. A place where her childhood had been taken from her yet was the only place she had ever called home. She moved slowly through the main living area. Memories flooded of her sisters laughing by the fireplace and of her brother taking his first steps. The living room always served as a place of happiness and laughter. She could almost hear the echo of the children giggling as they played games across the carpet. It was one of the few rooms in the house where a nightmare never took place and for that she was thankful. Adira continued to move around to the other rooms of the house. Flashbacks of her mother kicking and punching her in the kitchen, her father unlocking the bathroom door while she showered, and her parents’ bedroom where her father took her innocence. She moved around each room slowly. She allowed herself to remember every bit of pain and anger that she had been denying herself all of these years. 

The last room she entered was her bedroom. She saved this room for last knowing that it would be the most difficult room. The moment she stepped through the door, she could feel her heart begin to race and her breathe came out raspy. Her knees felt weak and she felt her body shake. Afraid that she would fall to the ground, she sat at the entrance of the door for a moment and looked into the darkness. The room looked untouched and empty. The only sign of life was the spiders scrambling across the floor and a small mouse in the far corner. Adira closed her eyes and took several deep breaths. She calmed her pounding heart and waited for her body to stop shaking. Once she had calmed herself, she stood and walked into the middle of the room. The memory of her father on his hands and knees in front of her caused a single tear to escape. She remembered her father calling her into her room. She remembered being terrified believing that he wanted her body once again. Upon seeing her, he fell to his knees and crawled to her sobbing.

“Please forgive me,” he had cried wrapping himself around her legs, “I am so ashamed of what I have done to you. I could not help myself. I am sick. Please forgive me.”

She remembered not being able to move as he sobbed at her feet. She felt her hands touch the top of his head as he grasped her hands crying out. She could not say a word simply frozen in the moment.

Adira fell to her knees on the spot he had knelt and allowed herself to weep. She cried for every time her father had come into her room at night. She howled for every punch and kick her mother had given her when Adira had told her mother the truth about her father’s late night visits.  She sobbed for all of the years that were lost in pain and misery as Adira fought for normalcy in her adult life. She felt all of the pain and fear as she allowed herself to mourn for the first time. 

Adira was unsure of how long she stayed in her childhood bedroom sobbing before she finally was able to stop. She stood up and looked around the room one more time. It had darkened since she had entered the room. She quickly headed back towards the sliding door and shut it behind her firmly. With every step she took away from the house, she felt her heart mend. She stood, once again, in front of her childhood home. 

“For fifteen years, I lived within your walls,” Adira spoke to the house, “All of those years, you watched and listened to all of my sufferings. You are the only one who knows the full truth of my story, more so than even me. For that, I will always be thankful to you but I will no longer be a slave to those memories.”

Adira stood for a moment longer. The sun was slowly disappearing behind the house. She took a moment to really appreciate the beauty of the pink and orange sky before it disappeared. As the moon glowed brightly, she turned and walked away from her past with a small smile on her lips knowing that she was finally free.