To my dearest brother

Dear Lucas,

  I don’t know what to say here. I feel really stupid but you know me and you know that I can’t leave spring creek town without finally letting go of all my pain. I’m sorry that I have been running away for so long. First I want to tell you how much I love you and miss you. It’s been six years since I have seen your face. But I still remember that untidy red hair that mom always told you to comb and how dad always said you were kissed by fire, your beautiful almond-shaped eyes, your daring dimpled smile and the way you laughed when you had roped me into some scheme that would get us in trouble with grams and grandpa. 

I’m going to college when the summer is over, Yale to be precise. Your dream school. When I got my acceptance letter mom and dad cried and I did too for the first time in so long but it was thanks to that letter that have the strength to write this one. I feel like such a fool for shutting everyone out. I was so angry with everyone and with you for leaving me all alone in this world. It was like hell. The school teachers took turns evaluating me because I had so many outbursts of anger which I’m sure you’re thinking is very unlike me.

  I was suddenly the girl with anger issues because her brother died. In two weeks summer will be over and I will be starting a new chapter far away from this town where no one will know who I am or about you. I’m scared and excited. Scared because I don’t know what I’ll do if I lose my head so far away from home. Aunt Gina says that I will make friends but I haven’t had any friends since you. 

 It took seven years for me to get over my anger for something that happened to you that was beyond your control so how exactly am I going to survive in the real world out there on my own. I’m excited because I have so many adventures waiting for me. I always imagined I would spend my entire life with you writing bad poetry and having the best time, I think for a moment back then I thought I might have even had a crush on you and you probably knew considering how much I adored you. But now I know I had unconditional and agape love for you as the one mom and dad has for us.

  Last week I finally decided to do something I have been putting off for as long as I can remember. Do you remember the book we started together? I bet you do. You were such a creative type I remember all the illustrations you drew for the book. Mom kept saying it would be a bestseller she has changed a lot now, everyone has changed. I like to think that I have changed too but that is highly unlikely. 

Graduation was eventful. Aunt forgot to get my dress and the car broke down. Mom saved the day when she gave me an old dress of hers; it had to be hastily sewed and held with pins to suit me and yet all the same it still stuck out at my back. But all the same, it was a lovely dress barely anyone noticed that it wasn’t my size. I had to ride in the back of Uncle Steve‘s pickup truck. I got to my graduation so late I thought my name had been called already. 

  I of course graduated with honours. A best graduating student in math, English, Biology….The list goes on and on (Thank God I have the brains). Mom was surprised when I brought most of my report cards home. I guess she wasn’t quite sure how I could be the problem child and still have good grades

  The book we started and almost finished had lain untouched in the attic all these years. I couldn’t bring myself to go down there, it still scares me. But dad went down with me. I felt terrified and I couldn’t utter a word. It was scary. I half expected you to come out from one corner and ask why I and dad didn’t knock when entering your room and then we would get into an argument. The room was so quick in bringing the eleven-year-old girl in me right out. 

Mom refused to box up your things and clear out the room. She would go into your room and sit for hours crying and talking to you at least she managed to express her feelings unlike boxing it up in fear as I would. A few years back I heard mom and dad having the nastiest argument about it. Mom and dad are trying very hard to hold on to the last thread of hope for their marriage for me. 

 There is no more love in their eyes when they look at each other; they barely tolerate each other in my presence. No one can deal with your death you had such a lively spirit

  The book brought so many tears to my eyes but reading it helped me decide it was the best way I could feel close to you. Right now the book is safe in my travelling bag.I'm going to take it to Yale and anytime I get lonely or sad I will have a part of you right there with me. We never finished writing it so I wrote the end for you, in a way I’m sure you would have loved. And I promise you that I didn’t make it cheesy, it’s a perfect first book for both of us. I wrote a mind-blowing dedication to you on the last page. Something I'm sure would go right with your style.

 The main character finally said goodbye to his best friend and he got the girl. It’s a happily ever after story and much like the one, I hope to have someday. Cousin Aimee is also going to Yale. Mom says that I should play nice and be friendly but she is way too annoying. I’m going to study medicine so that I can save children with that awful disease called leukemia that took you my best friend away from me which means you’re still the creative one in the family.

 I think I might have some promise in writing so maybe I will cultivate my skill and write books on the side of my medical career. I could even write books with the setting of a hospital. I would be like the John Grisham of medicine. I feel like a huge weight is off my shoulders now that I have finished something I started so long ago. I’m thinking of starting something else maybe even a horror short story, I remember how you loved those but I will probably be hopeless at it without your voice in my ear guiding me and saying things like ‘Rewrite that dialogue it’s too lazy’. 

Who is going to tell me that my plots are ridiculous and I have too many subplots or that my protagonist is not realistic in any possible way? Mom read the book and said she was proud of me, dad called me brave I genuinely hope that mom and dad fall in love with each other again, they deserve it with everything I put them through. I hope you don’t hate me for nearly breaking our family wherever you are. I want to ask so many things, did you love the book, is their heaven, and are you watching over me or are you a ghost haunting the house, I hope not though, and if so do ghosts travel. 

I plan to live life to the fullest. In other words, live it as you would.

I’m going to join dancing classes, maybe learn to play a musical instrument like the piano, violin or cello (I have no idea which is which I always get confused). I will do my best to make you proud of me and maybe at some point, I will no longer be anti-social and I can start to live a normal life. No more girl by the corner, I will be in the spotlight with you by my side but it will take time. 

 Yesterday I played a game of football with some other girls from the neighborhood as it turns out I was good, even if I didn’t score any goals, I was still good but I am still of the opinion that it’s a terrifying and life-threatening game. My team lost but I was still praised by dad. Apparently, I am the first in the family to play their first game of football and not end up in the hospital and I finally beat you at something but I did have a nasty nose bleed after a girl I used to have a history with named Jackie threw a ball in my direction and it hit me square in the face.

 I spent the remaining half of the game dodging out of anyone’s way. The rain started to fall and everywhere was so muddy I could barely see anything all I could hear was ‘pass the ball’ I still don’t understand why everyone loves such a dangerous sport. But at the end of the game, I got so many pats on the back. High school is over now and I guess everyone is getting over the girl I used to be for the past seven years.

  I’ve been so scared to write anything for a while but things have changed now after years of therapy and I finally understand that I need to stop trying to get over your death but I need to focus on your life, the better rides of your life when you weren’t at hospitals and when your head wasn’t shaved. I have finally decided what my favourite book is. The name is ‘Ornament tree’ about a girl named Bonnie Shaster and I’m sure you would have loved it. There is a character in it named Claire that reminds me so much of you. It is almost comical

 Aimee told me that she wants to read the book but I’m not sure I want to give it to her, I think it’s personal. The last chapter was 3500 words long; mom said the book is so grown up that no one would believe that an 11-year-old and 15 years old started the book. I will keep writing because I think it's lovely and it keeps me close to you even if I know that in a thousand years I will never be as good at it as you were. I don’t need a therapist anymore, I have finally dealt with the grieve. 

  But today I want to finally do something that will connect me with you, no more running in the other direction. I will leave the letter in our secret spot and I hope you see it. I will never truly give up on seeing you again. I love you from the depths of my heart and with the very fiber of my being. Till the day I can finally see you, I will wait and live in a world without you. Come back to me one-day big brother, let’s build sandcastles together and dance on the beach under the starlight. Someday come back to me here at spring creek.

Your loyal sidekick and sister

Rita Wood