Don't tell me! Just tell me!

“Wait a minute,” said Hardcastle, wiping his glasses with his finger. “What time is it?”

“Plus la diference, monsieur!” said Peters, the local watch seller. “You do not know how long I’ve waited to hear those words!”

“Wait, what did you say?”

“I said, of course, that I have been waiting over a century, over a millennium, for you to utter the words which thou has just…Would you like a glass of champagne?”

“Champagne? Are you off your rocker, old man? I just wanted to know what time it was! This isn’t dentistry!”

“I know, my friend.”

“Well, if you know that, then tell me.”

“Tell you what, my friend?”

“Tell. Me. What. Time. It. Is. Old. Friend.”

“You’ll be telling me in a few minutes.”

“How? I have no watch.”

Peters then pulled a watch out of his cloak with the hands concealed.

“What is that?”

“It’s a watch.”

“What kind of watch?”

“A Rolex Benefactress. Clearly a great among equals. Waterproof, stoneproof, and hexproof.”

“Those things don’t even exist. Tell me…”

“What?”

“Look at the friggin’ watch and tell me what time it says!”

“What watch?”

“That watch! The one you just showed me!”

“Let’s not get carried away, monsieur, this is not a menagerie d’un fait accompli.”

“Tell me what the watch says! This is not ‘Who’s Line Is It Anyway?’”

“The watch, she does not work for free.”

“What!”

“The watch, she does not work for free. It is quite an arrangement.”

“What are you talking about? Just look at the watch and tell me what time it is.”

“What is time anyway, but a gentle breeze to the tesseract trees?”

“Tesseract trees? Am I in a bombed-out mental asylum? What time does the watch say?”

“Which watch?”

“Jesus Christ! That watch! The one you have in your hand! What time does it say?”

“This watch doesn’t work for free.”

“How much for it? I’ll pay enough to get you to shut up! How much?”

“Five-hundred-thousand dollars.”

“What! Do you think is Chernobyl or 3-mile island where you can just throw out a price like that and get instant…rewards! This isn’t the Soviet Union!”

“You have the money. I saw you drive here.”

“It’s a nineties Honda Civic! I work at McDonald’s”

“You think me a fool?”

“You don’t want to know what I think of you if you don’t tell me what time it is!”

“You don’t know what time it is? Why is that?”

“Because you won’t show me the watch! Now show me the watch or I’m calling the World Trade Organization on you!”

“That won’t work. None of them has a Rolex.”

“You have a Rolex. You have a Rolex! It’s true, you know.”

“Yes, I suppose it is true.”

“And I need to know the time.”

“Ah the extravagancies of life. I know.”

“So, let’s put two and two together.”

“Don’t you mean two and five-hundred thousand? There is a $2 VAT tax as well.”

“Look, I told you. I drive a nineties Honda Civic, and I work at McDonald’s. Now, are you going to tell me what time it is or not?”

“It’s funny.”

“What’s funny? Certainly not this!”

“It’s funny that I’m an old man. And while I may not be the most well connected…”

“Yes?”

“I am well aware that those two corporations you mentioned…”

“Which corporations?”

“Honda and McDonald’s…”

“Oh, you wouldn’t…”

“I am well aware that they are two of the richest corporations in the world, with billions if not trillions in revenues.”

“I am not CEO of a multinational conglomerate! I am a low-level employee! They’ve got me cleaning toilets. Now show me the watch.”

“Clean toilets, you say?”

“Yes. Yours truly. I clean toilets. How does that sound?”

“Well, in that case, they must be some pretty clean toilets, I would wager.”

“That’s because I just cleaned them. From dark brown to king’s crown! If you’ve done it, I’ve seen it!”

“Surely, you’d get a bonus for doing something like that.”

“A bonus! For me? The only bonus I get is when someone leaves a relatively unmolested stick of gum in the stall! If I collect enough of them, I can trade them in for an empty can!”

“I am not swayed.”

“Swayed by what? You’re not a tree!”

“Five-hundred thousand or bust. You know the laws of trade.”

“Look, I need to know what time it is so that I don’t get back late for work. I’m on my lunch break.”

“No man who is rich enough to have a lunch break, in this era…”

“Can’t afford a five-hundred-thousand-dollar watch. I know. It’s the gravest injustice, your royal highness, but I guarantee you that it does happen.”

“Look, I’m going to level with you…”

“What? Level with me.”

“I’m not too convinced that you don’t have the money.”

“What! Do you see my clothes? My pasty complexion? The bags under my eyes? My pronounced limp? I’m sure you’ve seen that. Did I walk in some hot number on my arm or a…a…”

“A watch?”

“No! No! I don’t have a watch! That’s why I’m asking you to give me a watch! So, I can check the time! Nothing further!”

“I can’t give you the watch without the money. I’m regretfully sorry.”

“Look at the watch and read me the time. Just read me the time!”

“I can’t read without the money. I’m regretfully sorry!”

“Oh fine, Shag Fraggits! Charge my credit card!”

“Really? You really wish to buy my watch?”

“Sure! But be careful! The card may bounce! I’ve got a 235 credit score and I’m thirty dollars over the limit.”

“Really? You will stoppretending and buy the watch?”

“Yes! Just give it to me!”

Peters charges his credit card and gives him the watch. Hardcastle is so happy he begins to dance with it.

“Ooh, la-di-dah. Look what I have here. My first, and probably last, Rolex. What time doth thou say.”

The hands on clock were both stuck at noon.