A New Book

           Jane needed to get out of the house. She looked down at the baby monitor and felt the pressure as her heart contracted in her chest at the sight of her son waking up from his nap. She wasn’t ready. She barely had enough time to clean the disaster he had made from the morning. She still needed to run the vacuum and scrub the sauce from his lunch out of the highchair, not to mention shower. When was the last time she did that? 

           She watched the lights above the screen go from green to red while Ben bounced in his crib, rattling the rail, and screaming on the top of his lungs. Jane sighed. She closed her eyes to the headache that was starting to form at the back of her skull and pulled herself up. 

           Ben threw himself down on his mattress not letting her pick him up. Jane took a deep breath to stop herself from crying—this was happening more and more recently—and left the room. They were not going to be cooped up in this house. Not today. His attitude had kept her there isolated far too long. 

           She threw on jeans and a sweater and avoided the mirror. She wrestled Ben to change his clothes while he kicked and screamed at her. He grabbed a fistful of her hair and she screamed back trying to pry his fingers apart. Perhaps this was a mistake. He toddled away from her and came back holding a book. “Book,” he said, beaming at her.

           “Would you like to go buy a new book?”

           He nodded. 

           She spent the next hour making sure they had everything they needed. Snacks, sippy cup, extra diapers, and things she knew she would never need but she had to have in case some old lady said snide remarks about him not having enough sunscreen in the beginning of January. She made sure that he had warm shoes on and enough layers. She put a hat on him just to watch him take it off immediately and throw it on the floor. 

           She struggled to get him in the car seat while he tried to reach a toy. She handed it to him for him to stop but he threw it down and tried to reach it again. Finally, he was safe and secure, and she lay a blanket across his lap and handed him a sippy cup. Before she could start the car, he was already screaming for them to start moving. She turned on the radio and turned it up enough to drown out his sounds. 

           She felt almost giddy as she increased her speed on the on-ramp to the freeway. She felt the cars speeding past her. She missed the feeling of rushing off to work. The feeling of knowing someone was waiting for her to show up. Someone who would miss her if she wasn’t there. She knew that Ben couldn’t survive without her, but was that the same? 

           She turned the music down to see if he had fallen asleep. He let out soft, cheerful coos and it filled her with an unspeakable rage. She inhaled the stuffy old fry smell and exhaled her irrational emotions. Of course, he wasn’t asleep, he had just woken up from a nap. 

           She wished that she was back in college at the resort that her and her roommate would disappear to when classes became just a little too intense. She had lounged on the beach with a drink in her hand and had watched the waves reach out towards her but then give her space. The sun had kissed her skin softly. She had tried not to smile while knowing that a group of boys had their eyes on her. For that brief moment of time everything was perfect. Oh, how she wished she could go back there—back to that Jane.

           The parking lot was empty, and Jane had a sinking feeling that the bookstore was closed, and they would have to return home so soon, but then she saw someone walk out the door. Ben brightened when he saw her and reached his arms out for him to hug her. For a moment all of it melted away. The stress of having a human being so dependent on her, the knowledge that her sole purpose in life was to take care of him, and being trapped—so very trapped—in a life that she knew that she chose to be in. She did love him and would do anything for him.   

           She lifted him out of the seat and cradled him in her arms until she felt his teeth dig into her shoulder. A hot pain shot up her neck and down her arm. She cursed him. Her eyes filled with tears. He laughed. 

           “Welcome,” the cashier called as they came through the door. Jane breathed in the smell of coffee and pages. The calmness fell over her that she always felt when walking into a bookstore as if all the opportunities of life were before her. Anything was possible all she needed was to open the right book. 

           Ben ripped himself from her arms and ran from her. Fearful thoughts flooded her mind. What if he threw books off the shelves? What if he began ripping out pages? What if someone grabbed him and she never saw him again? What if he fell off the escalator plummeting to his death? How would she ever live without him?

           She grabbed him by the wrist. 

           “Don’t ever run away like that again,” she shouted. 

           He screamed and she loosened her grip worried that she was hurting him. 

           She looked around to see if anyone was around to judge her or call CPS on her. She pushed back the thoughts there were always there hiding in the back of her mind glaring from behind to-do lists and childhood memories. Those thoughts that if it were her husband there with their son instead of her everyone would congratulate him for being such a wonderful father—because he showed up—but instead they hate and judge her for not being good enough. All she wanted was to be good enough. 

           She looked up at the shelf that she caught Ben in front of while she lifted him up in her arms. The self-help sections. God did she need help. 

           She lowered Ben back down. 

           “You have to hold my hand,” she said but her eyes remained on the spines. 

           21 Reasons to get out of bed in the morning. Something had to be there. New Year, Old You: A New Year’s Resolution that Celebrates Who You Are. One of these books would make things better. How to Undo What Your Parents Did. She just knew it. Life Lessons from Your Cat. And then she saw it. 

           She felt as if it chose her.  As if this book was sitting on the shelf waiting for her to come and claim it. 

           You Are a Good Mom, Toddlers Are Just D*cks.

           She felt a weight lift off her shoulders just by pulling it off the shelf. She held it to her chest. 

           “Come on, Ben,” she said to the struggling boy squeezing her fingers. “Let’s go find you a new book.”