A TALE OF TWO HEARTS

A TALE OF TWO HEARTS

I was sitting in an seemingly uncomfortable position on an old chair in the balcony , staring at the stars , mostly at one of them . Since I was little my mother said when people die ,they become stars . It was in days like this I try hard to believe in that fantasy . It has been exactly eleven month and twenty five days since my sister died . I an anxious today because just this weekend will be her death anniversary . I hate that word , it makes it sound , I don’t know ‘clean’ as if someone just tidied up the most painful thing in the world .

We were like Elsa and Anna or ….. I don’t know if there are many shippable sister duo I have seen . But yes the point is we were inseparable , We got separated once because I wanted to come out of my mothers womb first . From that day till the day of her death we were inseparable . Same school , same college , and then when I got a job in Mumbai she shifted with me. “I can look for a job while I spend your money “ she said and laughed . So how do you do it ? , how do you get over death of someone who is a part of you ? .

I asked this question to everyone , my mom , dad , friends , I even googled it but I didn’t find the right answer. I wish I could ask her . She had all the answers , I envied her sometimes but I guess that’s what sisters do , right? . The reason for my anxiety today was , well it was a combination of a few things besides my twin dying , me losing my job and living in Mumbai on my parent’s money , it was mostly because i watched stand up comedy video on You tube . The comedian made a joke on how stars are light years always from us and by the time we see them ,they might have exploded . This joke shook me to the core , I know it juvenile, but what about my sister who became a star eleven moths and twenty five days ago . Did she umm..? .

There was a notification on my phone , “You should be writing” the message said from my friend . No actually she was Mia’s friend who became my friend after her death .

“ I know Samaira . Hey tell me something “ I replied .

“ Ask “ she replied .

“ Do humans turn into stars when they die?” I texted back .

My phone started ringing . I stared at it restlessly .

“ You don’t have to call , please don’t call . You know I hate phone calls “ I wrote back and her reply came but I didn’t bother to look at it again , instead started to look for my sister in those millions and billions of stars. I stared at those stars till my eyes ache .

 I felt someone was watching me from behind so I turned instinctively . It was dark , and the light coming from my room formed a silhouette . My heart starting racing , my eyes started filling with tears and I couldn’t speak as if i had swallowed my tongue . I recognized that silhouette , how could I not . It was my sister , my twin sister , my heart , my everything . I tried to move towards her to see her face but it was like my legs turned to stone . “Mia?” I managed to speak . She walked towards me , her face became clear as she came closer . Her head was bleeding , her right eye was swollen , her knees were bruised too , her face had a cold black expression . A kind of stare that gave me a chill . “You did it “ Mia’s words were just as cold as her face was . I knew what she meant . She meant I killed her . “I am so sorry Mia , so sorry , Please forgive me ! please! “ I said weeping . I closed my eyes and hoped she will forgive me .

When I opened my eyes I as still on that old chair outside . This was a recurring dream , the same cold face of my sister haunting me . I looked at my phone , it was 2 pm . I picked myself up and went inside . I lay still on my bed wondering if the dream was an indication . What if Mia did blame me for her death and this was her way of punishing me . I wanted to apologize to her for what happened , I wish it was me and not her . The world doesn’t need me , but the world deserved Mia . She was perfect. I fell asleep after sometime of pondering .

I woke up with my phone ringing , it was Samaira . I answered her phone although I didn’t wanted to .

“Morning!” She sounded cheerful “ Was confirming, we are still on for lunch today right?” she said

“Ummm…. Yes “ I said

“Great I am making pasta “ she said excitedly

“Wow “ I said trying to sound cheerful and failed miserably .

I hung up and opened my laptop to check my mail. It was from Penguin Random publishers India , a job offer in Gurugram .If this would have happened last year I would have been thrilled , a job in one the leading publishing house , a job near home . But the news gave me no thrill , no joy , my first instinct was to throw the laptop away . You know what the worst feeling in the world is , having no one to share your joy with . No matter how good the news is , it wouldn’t make you happy if your heart is empty. My sister was a huge part of my heart and now she left it empty . I started at the email for another couple of minutes and then shut it down . “Just breathe” I said out loud to myself . I did my chores and it was almost 12 . I left home to Samaira’s with a heavy heart .

“Hey ..” she exclaimed opening the door .

“Hi “ I said handing her a box of donuts . “ I got us desert “ I said smiling

“Perfect “ she said and as I entered the drawing room , I became numb .

“Hi Tia “ Samarth said .

 I looked at him and everything came rushing back to me . I turned towards Samaira and said “I should go “ plainly . But she held my hand and stopped me .

“Just talk to me for a second , please “ she said holding my hand firmly .

“You invited him knowing how much I hate him “ I said as we entered the kitchen

“Hate ! Really! Come on Tia grow up “ she said irritated.

“Grow up ? Really , you know he tried to kiss me just five months after my sister , his girlfriend died . What kind of a man does it make him . Why shouldn’t I hate him ?” I said anger filling me up .

“ Okay , just take deep breaths . Listen he was really sad and feeling vulnerable . He apologized for it so many times . We cannot just outcast him from our lives completely , you know Mia wouldn’t want that . She loved him so much , please! for her . Just try , please!” she said almost choking on her last words.

“Really ! I cant believe you pulled the Mia card “ I said tears swelling up in my eyes . “Fine” I said finally after clearing my eyes .

I went to the drawing room and sat on the sofa opposite him .

“So how have you been Tia?” he said.

“Fine , I am fine “ I said vaguely . I gave him the answer that people generally expect .

“So how’s work ?” he said .

“I got fired .” I said coldly but what troubled me was the fact that I got a job offer and I wanted to take it so badly but I should not , how can I . I shouldn’t , what would Mia think ?

“Are you okay ?” he said examining me , he sounded concerned .

“No I am not . My sister died and after four days is her birthday and death anniversary , so yes I am not okay . Anything else ?” I said coldly with anger in my eyes . I knew I hurt him . But a part of me wanted me to hurt him , make him as sad as I was .

“Pasta’s ready “ Samaira interrupted .

I rose up and went to the dining table . Samarth came and sat beside me “ I will go and wash my hands” he said and left . A message appeared on his phone . I shouldn’t have done it but I did. I peeped on his phone , it was a message from someone named Pooja . “ Come to me soon” she has said . It disgusted me. I wanted to leave but I reminded myself just an hours and I’ll be out of her , away from here.

I don’t know how the pasta tasted , must be good . The conversation they had was not audible . All I could think was of that message and the disgust it filled me with . They were talking about something but Samarth said the words “move on” or maybe not , I heard what I wanted to .

“Move on! “ I said and gave a cold chuckle . They looked at me , didn’t comprehend what I said.

“What ?” Samarth said .

“ I said “ I spoke looking at him with a face showing pure disgust . “Someone’s moving on quite well” I said . “come to me soon” I said

“Wait ! You read my message “he said agitated .

“Yes I did , at least now I know who is actually grieving my sister “ I said

“Grieving ! Oh god Tia ! Amazing , you know what ? Yes I am moving on . That’s what people do , they grieve but then they move on ! Try it , its good “ he said throwing his fork on the table .

“I don’t want your advice “ I said . “Thank god she is not here see your real face “ I said. I knew it was mean . I knew I shouldn’t have said it , I was becoming poison .

“You know what you were right , it should have been you “ he said choking on tears

“Stop ! You two . You both don’t deserve her . Just leave , both of you “ she said

I picked up my bag and left and so did Samarth.

I was sitting in my room and trying not to fall asleep , I just couldn’t face her today . I just couldn’t take the blame today . l felt like poison , like someone who just had dirt in her . I did not hate Samarth because he tried to kiss me . I knew he loved my sister deeply , they were perfect together . The kiss was just a moment , a moment of heightened emotions , a moment of vulnerability , just a flying moment . But what I hated most was that I wanted to kiss him back . I wanted to kiss my dead sister’s boyfriend . I hated myself for it so I blamed him and pushed him as far away as possible . I ruined us.

Something similar happened to me again , when I wanted to take the opportunity , I wanted to take the job and be happy but how could I . I murdered my sister and now I didn’t deserve to be happy . What a tragic person I was , heartless , selfish .

That day and the other day went in a haze . But I was sure Mia didn’t come in my dream.

I pulled myself up and read the email again . The doorbell started to ring , I knew who it would be . I sighed and went to pen the door . “ I can’t please “ I said looking a her .

“Its her…….I don’t know what to say I know you don’t like that word , but it is .” she said “But you know what , it is also her birthday today . So lets do what she would have .” 

“Go to the temple ? “ I asked

“Yes ! and then I will go to work and then come back in the evening with pizza and bear “ she said smiling “What do you think ?”

“Lets go to the temple , and I don’t think I am in a mood to celebrate “ I said plainly

“Buzzkill” she said flipping her hair imitating Mia . I laughed . It was a real laugh after many days .

We went to the temple and I prayed for nothing . I didn’t have anything to wish for or pray for. I didn’t even believe in god anymore but I did for Samaira . She had been my rock for almost a year . She lost her best friend too , but she pulled herself together for me .

Later that evening she came with pizza and beer , we had pizza while chatting about I don’t know everything . Then we went on the balcony with beer .

“You know its okay to move on “ Samaira said .

“I know , but what if you are guilty ?” I said .

“Guilty of what ? tell me .” she said .

My eyes filled with tears , “ If I would have let Samarth drive us home that day , or maybe if I had not have that last drink …. She would have been alive . I am her killer “ I said realizing I have never said that out loud.

“No , that’s not true .” Samaira said crying holding my hand .

“ It is true . She comes in my dream , she blames me . I wish I would have died instead .” I said plainly , tears flowing out of my eyes .

“ Look at me Tia “ she said holding my face in her hands . “ It was not because of you . Everyone comes to the world with a number of days and her’s were out . She would be so sad to see you this way , blaming yourself . That person who comes in you dream is not Mia , its your guilt . Mia is definitely in a better place and she wants you to be happy too. “she said sobbing .

“She loved you so much . I am sure she wants you to have a happy life . She called you her heart , she left her heart with you . It is your responsibility to live your life the way she imagined you to live “ she said

“Really ? “ I said sobbing .

“Yes you fool , forgive yourself . Live your life” she said smiling .

“Thank you” I said wiping her tear stained face with my bare hands.

“This is what she would have wanted me to say and I love you so much “ she said smiling.

That conversation lifted a burden off my heart , but I still had my doubts . Samaira gave me the deepest, warmest hug before she left . I went into my room and lay on my bed , I felt someone lay beside me . I turned and saw my beautiful sister . She wore something white and she smiled at me . I was scared that she will blame me or say something but she didn’t , she just smiled , and I closed my eyes .

I still sit in my balcony and gaze up at the stars sometimes . I know she is up there shining and smiling at me , the brightest of them all .

BY                                                                                                          TINA FREESE