Beneath the Mask

“Can you keep a secret?” Ellie asked, softly, tipping her head toward her friend, even though they were alone at the kitchen table. Alone in the house.

           “What’s going on?” Julia asked, sensing it was serious. “Of course. “I’ve never seen you like this.”

           “I don’t know where to start,” Ellie said, turning her cup of tea absently, wrinkling the otherwise perfect tablecloth. Ellie quickly smoothed it back down, spilling her tea in her haste. “Oh, sorry,” she apologized, even though it was her tablecloth, and quickly dabbed at the spill with her napkins.

           “It’s okay,” Julie shrugged, resting her hand gently on Ellie’s. "You're shaking."

           “Sorry,” Ellie repeated.

           “Is someone sick? Are the boys okay?” concern etched in Julia’s face.

           “They’re fine,” Ellie assured her, brushing her wispy salt and pepper hair from her eyes. “It’s a very private matter, and I’ve never told anyone before,” Ellie tried to explain. “Not until recently anyway. Things have escalated since the boys went off to college.”

           Julie squeezed her friend’s hand again, in a show of support, her dark brown eyes worried.

           “Remember when I went away on that ‘women’s retreat’?” Ellie air quoted.

           “Yeah, during the snowstorm in January,” Julia recalled. “I was surprised it hadn’t been cancelled.”

           “Yeah,” Ellie smirked. “I was in the hospital,” she admitted. “I tried to hurt myself,” she added, afraid to look Julia in the eye. “I don’t think I wanted to die,” she tried to explain. “But it was definitely a cry for help.”

           “Oh, Ellie. I’m so sorry. I didn’t know. You always seem so organized and on top of your life. I mean your house is immaculate and you and Grady are so involved in the community. I had no idea things were that bad.”

           Ellie let out a deep sigh. It was exhausting trying to pretend all was well when it was anything but. 

           “Nothing in my life is perfect,” Ellie confided. “It’s all a lie.” Tears pooled in her eyes, and she swiped at them, angry that she was so emotional.

           “What’s a lie, Sweetie? I don’t understand.”

           “My marriage for one,” Ellie said, with bitterness in her voice.

           “I always thought you had a great relationship with Grady,” Julia commented, confused.

           Ellie hoped she was making the right decision by confiding in Julia. There was a quick second when she doubted herself, but she had to trust someone.

           “He’s involved in my life all right. He wants to know where I’ve been and who I’ve been with. All. The. Time,” Ellie emphasized. “Every minute.”

           “He does seem to dote on you. I always thought it was endearing,” Julie told her.

           “No, more like controlling. Sometimes I can’t breathe because he is always there. It’s suffocating. My only freedom is my meetings.  He doesn’t follow me to them.”

           “Oh, Ellie. I don’t know what to say,” Julia admitted.

           “He’s abusive, Julia.  He pummels me with his words. Beats me with them. I couldn’t take it anymore. That’s why I swallowed those pills. I just needed a break from him. He said if I ever try to leave, he’ll kill me.”

           “Oh, honey. Oh, Ellie,” Julia said. “This makes me sick. How could I have not noticed?”

           “Because I am very good at my game," Ellie said, truthfully. "And so is Grady. It’s a delicate dance we play, only I’m too tired to play anymore,” Ellie confessed, a tear tracing down her cheek.

           “What can I do?” Julia asked. “How can I help you?”

           “Just believe me. I’m not crazy,” Ellie cried. “He says no one knows what I’m really like. That if they did, they would leave me.”

           “You’re the most caring soul I know,” Julia told her, rubbing her arm. “No amount of deception can hide that.”

           “Thank you,” Ellie said, dabbing her eyes.

           “What are you going to do?”

           “I don’t know. I haven’t worked since I was twenty. What am I going to do? Grady says no one will hire me, and he’s probably right. I’ve raised kids for the last twenty-five years,” Ellie pointed out.

           “Bullshit!” Julia exclaimed. “Look at all the school projects you’ve organized, and your work in the community? I don’t know how you’ve shouldered all this on your own. Someone would be lucky to have you working for them. That’s just Grady trying to break your spirit,” she said, indignantly.

           “I know that in my head,” Ellie admitted. “But it’s harder to believe in my heart. I feel like such a wounded person, yet no one can see the bruises. No one understands.”

           “Not anymore, Ellie,” Julia assured her friend. “You’ve shown light on them now.”

           “I’ve been babysitting while he’s at work. I’m saving up some money, but it's not enough. He calls to check on me, but he hasn’t figured it out.  I’m afraid he will, and I don’t know what he would do,” Ellie said, her eyes full of fear. “He’s never hit me before, but he punches the wall sometimes or breaks things, and he’s threatened me.”

           “You need to get out of here, Ellie,”

           “With just the clothes on my back? And go where? You have no room,” Ellie pointed out.

           “I have some money. From my grandmother. Frank would never know it was gone,” Julia said. “So, I could keep him out of this.”

           “No one can know,” Ellie said. “If Grady found out…” she let her sentence trail. “You’re the only person I can trust with this.”

           “I won’t tell anyone. I promise,” Julia stated. “Look, I need to run,” she said, gathering her purse. “I need to pick up the kids. But I’ll have the money this week. It’s going to be okay, Ellie,” she said, giving her a big hug. “I’ll call you tomorrow.”

           When Ellie closed the door behind her, she leaned against it with a sigh of relief. Her plan was working. A triumphant grin broke out on her face. “It’s going to be okay,” she repeated Julia’s words. Grady should never have doubted her; he’d never out play her. Never. She was the Master of Games. He had taught her well.

           An hour later the doorbell rang, and Ellie jumped to answer it.

           “Suzy! Thank you for coming,” Ellie said, standing back to let her in. “How about some tea?”

           “Sounds great,” her friend said. “It sounded urgent on the phone.”

           “Yes. I have something to share with you,” Ellie admitted, as they sat down to tea.  Then she whispered, “can you keep a secret?”