When Your Light Went Dim

     What can one do when the one they loved the most was sufferings? No matter what you try, how much money you send, and how much hope you have, you know that there is nothing you can do to save them.

         Wilhelmina stood over the limp form of her husband and held back a sob. She pressed a hand to her mouth and closed her eyes. He could not die. She needed him too much.

         She bit her lip and forced herself to calm down. She would not cry, could not cry. She had to be strong for him. Perhaps her strength would carry over to him.

         One of the maids at their estate tapped on the door and looked at her. Mina knew what she was here for and nodded. The maid nodded back and walked out. In a moment, she would return with the doctor. Though his visit was unnecessary. Every time he came calling, he told her the same thing. Her husband’s health was in a fragile state, and there was nothing he could do about it. And yet, having the doctor come, gave her a small bit of comfort. Something she rarely had since her husband’s illness.

         She heard her husband mumble a bit and she rushed to his side. She wiped tears from her eyes, tears that she hadn’t been aware she shed. “Dear, i-is there a-anything I can do?” She twisted her hands, desperately hoping that he would need something from her.

         For the past month that this unknown illness had taken place in her husband’s body, she had felt so utterly useless. Powerless even. She had tried to help him, but there was nothing that she could do to ease his suffering. How she ached to take his pain as her own, but she could not. In fact, she could do nothing, but pray that he would get better.

         She looked back down at her husband, but he was sleeping. She let her tears flow. They dripped down her face and chin, and finally came to rest on her clasped hands. What if her husband never got better? What would she do without him?

         The doctor walked into the room, giving her a respite from her morose thoughts. He smiled gently at her and patted her shoulder before moving past with his medical bag in hand.

         “Doctor,” she whispered, so as to not wake her husband, “is there anything I can do?”

         He shook his head, not taking his eyes off his patient. “Just give me so space.”

         She nodded and sighed. Then she walked out of the room and pulled the door closed behind her. She found the maid standing there, waiting.

         “Is there anything I can get for you, Madam? Perhaps some tea and biscuits?”

         Mina shook her head and brushed a hand under her eyes. “No, thank you. I am well.” A lie, but what could she say? ‘Yes, I would like to enjoy some tea, while my husband is ill and near death.’

         The maid gave her a sad, almost pitying look, and then turned and left the hall.

         Once the maid was out of sight, Mina sunk down on to the wooden floor, her heavy skirts weighing her down. Even though it was unladylike, she pulled her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms around them.

         A moment later, she felt a tap on her shoulder and realized that she had fallen asleep. Th doctor stood over her.

         “You should get some rest. You will be little help to your husband if you make yourself ill.”

         She was little help to her husband when she was well, she thought, but she did not say it. “How is he, Doctor?”

         He shook his head and ran a hand over his balding head. “As I said before, his health has been failing. I gave him some laudanum to help with the pain. I also left some extra, you know how much to give him in that case.”

         She nodded. “And?”

         He frowned. “I have never seen this illness before, but from what I know, he is in a bad state. I did all I can for him, so the only thing you can do is monitor him and send for me if his condition worsens. I’m sorry, Mrs. Clark.”

         She shook her head. “I know you did all you could. Thank you, Doctor. I will have one of the servants come around to you so that I pay you.”

         “Take all the time you need. The most important thing is being with your husband.”

         She nodded and turned back to their room. She knew that she should walk the Doctor to the door, but she knew that he was aware of the exit and would be able find his way out without her. Plus, as he said, the important thing was being with her husband.

         She reentered the room and felt the familiar helplessness creep in. Her husband needed her support and love, but she wanted, no needed to do more. She sat in the chair beside his bed and laid her hand over his where it rested on the coverlet.

         And then she sobbed. Quiet, yet heart-wrenching sobs. Sobs for the pain her husband endured. For the helplessness she felt. For the fear of losing her husband. And for the sorrow and pain it would cause her.

         She was so lost in her pain that she barely noticed her husband’s hand grab onto hers. She looked down at him and met his gray eyes. “You’re awake.”

         He tried to smile, she could see the strain it caused, but his lips only lifted a slight bit. “It…appears…I am.”

         She pressed a hand to his face. “You have not woken for a while. I had hoped to see you awake, but you just slept. I know you needed the rest, but it has been so hard not knowing if you would…” She bit her bit and did not continue.

         “How do you feel?”

         He shrugged one shoulder and grimaced. “I feel…like I have…been stomped on…” he paused for a deep breath. “by a racehorse.”

         “Do you need some laudanum?”

         “No, just sleep.”

         She nodded and stood. She started to turn for the door, but she stopped. “Can you promise me something?”

         He looked at her with those gray eyes of his. Those beautiful gray eyes. “Anything.”

         She bit her lip. “Will you promise me to try to get better?”

         He smiled, a real smiled this time. “I promise.”