I'm sorry

This was supposed to be the happiest day of their lives.

But I ruined it.

Yes. I was the cause, the reason, the problem, the black hole.

The one who was responsible for my own terrible actions, it was me and only me.

And I regretted it. So much.

I don’t know how to forgive myself.

God, please forgive me.

Bring them back together again.

I’m begging you.

My father died when I was still a young, immature child. By then, I was already big enough to know and understand what was happening. No words needed.

I pushed everyone away. I don’t need their sympathy. I don't need their tears.

I just need my father back. I don’t need anyone else.

Father died as a hero. Saving a kid from getting hit by a car. That was in his nature. After all, not all heroes wear capes.

I cried. Days and nights. Nonstop. I missed him. His affection, his laughed, his stupid jokes.

Father was a good husband and a good father. He always makes sure mother and I were happy. I can still see the love in father’s eyes whenever he looked at mother even though they have been together for almost 15 years now.

It’s been 5 years since then. I always make sure I went to his grave, paying him a visit. Not even surprised to find another bouquets of lilies on his grave.

It’s been like this every week. Someone left him beautiful bouquets weekly. My thoughts were the kid that he saved, this was probably the kid’s family ways of thanking my father for saving their child.

Telling him how I’ve missed him and what has been going on in my lives. But I left out the details about mother. Telling him would not only hurt him, but hurt my feelings too.

My mother…

I don’t particularly ‘hate’ her for what she did behind my back, just… disappointed.

How could she do this?

To me? To father?

Dating someone else behind my back was unforgivable.

I hate it. I hate how she found another ‘replacement’ for father.

I hate it when she laughed and smiled at ‘him’.

Why was she doing this? Didn’t she loved father? Then why did she went behind my back, finding another replacement for father?

Needles poking me everywhere. My heart sinks. That was my feelings when I found out she has been dating that man for over 3 years now.

Am I not enough? Why need another stranger in our household?

I felt sick knowing that mom was basically ‘cheating’.

I won’t forgive her actions. She should be mourning. It’s only been 2 years since father left her and she went dating another man?!

Not telling me? I found out her ‘secret’ when I saw them kissing right in front of my house.

“I still loved your father.” She has been repeating those words to me ever since I caught her red handed.

Liar. Lies.

Pain written all over her face when I won’t even spared a glance on her and her new boyfriend.

Huh. Asking my permission to get married? Knowing that I will keep on saying ‘no’ and yet they insisted and kept bothering me.

“Myra! How long are you gonna keep acting like this?!” I flinched when I heard she yelled at me for being a ‘brat’.

“Mother, you are in no position to say those words to me when you literally went behind father and my back.” I spat those words at her.

She gritted her teeth.

“You know how much I loved your father…”

That was when I cut her off.

“Loved him? Then why? Why need another man in your life? You should be mourning now and yet you...” I stopped myself and took a deep breath.

“Jake makes me happy, Myra. Why can’t you be happy for us? Your father has been long gone and I think it’s time for me to move on.” She lets out a shaky breath as ‘Jake’ slowly pulled her into his arms.

“What about me? I lost a father too! Someone very dear to me! But the thoughts of having someone else replacing my father never crossed my mind! But if you are so desperate, then go on! Go and get married. I don’t care anymore!” My hands trembled as I said all those words.

“Myra…” Before she could say anything else, I stomped off.

“Dad, today is the day. They are getting married today. How could they do this to you?” I promise myself not to cry on his grave and yet I did.

“I’m sorry, are you Myra?” Someone tapped my shoulder before I quickly wiped my tears away.

I give her a nod. It was an old lady.

“I’ve noticed your mother came here earlier when it was still raining. Well, she came here every week but today she looked rather… sad? We’ve become acquaintance since I came here every week too.”

I quickly look up and saw her holding a bouquet of flowers. And it looked familiar.

“Oh this? Well, she put this on his grave every week. But since it was raining earlier, she asked me to hold it first for her when she saw me with an umbrella.” The old lady gave the flowers to me.

“She was always here. Talking and telling your father about everything that has been going on in her life. 5 years. She has been doing the same thing over and over again. I once heard she told him she was depressed and almost commit suicide. How she met a guy who reminded her of her husband. How she asked for his permission to love again.” The old lady kept talking, making my heart sink.

Mother was depressed? She almost committed suicide?

She was always here with father. Mother was telling the truth. She was still very much in love with father.

Of course. How could I not realised it sooner?

She not only lost her husband, she lost her best friend too.

I’m such an idiot.

“She was wearing a wedding dress earlier. Congratulation, dear. Seems like God gave her another chance to love again.” The old lady gave me a smile before she walked away.

My legs felt weak and shaky as soon as I got to the church. I was speechless. Stunned even.

There was nobody there.

Except for my mother, tears streaming down her beautiful face. Stood still on the altar. One hand gripping down her wedding dress while the other holding a gorgeous diamond ring.

She smiled when she saw me walking toward her.

“I called off the wedding. Maybe you were right. I shouldn’t do this to your father. Oh gosh, Jake probably hates me now.” She lets out tiny giggles.

Her eyes were dulled. There were no gleams or sparkles anymore.

I messed up. So bad.

I was going to beg for her forgiveness. I was going to tell her that it was okay for her to love again. I was going to give her my permission. I was going to let her be happy again.

By then it was too late.