Mint Green

once upon a time these creamy white walls were mint green because we couldn’t wait to know if it would be a boy or a girl, green did sound good, mint green was neutral a good decision. Yes, what was once a baby nursery became a guest room creamy brown, king-sized bed with fresh clean towels. Changing the paint was easier than forgetting the hope built in this room, the hours we spent here talking, laughing and building up stories for our future him or her. I felt something coming to life inside me every day, it was real it was finally here. Every time we will pass through a supermarket he will buy a toy while I had a collection of books waiting for our baby, yeah I’m kind of obsessed with Harry Potter well, I was or maybe still kind of...

When is it okay for a mother to change a kid’s room to guest room? Something so personal you share with strangers, memories, stories or what could have been. So many people had slept here, my friend Gina from law school, Robs brother that one night his wife threw him for drinking too much again, that strange girl from walmart I insisted on helping for the nigh but ended by stealing forty dollars from Robs wallet. All of them slept here, never knowing these walls were green, mint green. When we discovered the baby’s sex, Rob wanted to change the color again but I told him not to, we needed the money for the baby and we would surely have other kids, yeah surely other kids.

My stomach wasn’t very big, so no one had noticed we were thrilled because it would have been a surprise for both of our families. We have been waiting, praying and crying for so long. All our friends had kids, most of them even liked to remind us we didn’t have kids “how would you know, it’s not like you have any”. at first I will get back home and cry and Rob will have to stay up all night but with time I took it with a sad smile and once at home I would simply sleep , no tears I swear. Most of you think we should change friends, yeah I thought about that, rob did too but how did it change the fact that we didn’t have kids and that we didn’t understand?

I was so impatient to understand, to be frustrated, to yell but mostly to love. Life is such a gift, something you won’t exchange for anything on this earth because nothing worth’s a life. The mint green and stuffed bears could have been changed to blue, pink or black if the child became a metal gothic type of teenager but it will never happen, will it? What does is matter now, the child never became a teenager, never read a harry potter, never went to school, god he didn’t even see the light. Yes, it was a boy and he was never born.

Life didn’t have the same taste and hope was a liar, we had hoped for this baby, for years and years, we had this baby and it disappeared without seeing all the toys and books we had bought, without knowing its grandparents and cousins. To say we were deceived was an understatement. “No one is to blame; it wasn’t meant to be” was all the doctor said and the only thing I thought was “is he for real now, he a preacher or something?” I wasn’t ready for that truth, neither was Rob, we needed someone or something to blame, having someone to blame would help us pour all the anger on them. We needed something to justify our anger, we needed to yell at someone but there was no one but us two.

We needed each other too much to blame it on us, but still grew apart, we grieved on our own, living in the same house but never meeting, not even in the kitchen. I though going out with my friends would help, we talked about other things and they wouldn’t pity me because they never knew I was pregnant in the first place. Rob started fishing with our old neighbor Nick; I wondered how much time they spent at it because almost every night they brought back a fish. When work resumed for both of us, it became worse; I though I’ll take two years off to become a full time mom until the baby was two years, but it will not happen.

Two painful years had passed and I haven’t been in that room again, but I know Rob have been in there every night after work, when he thought I was sleeping and not waiting for him. Two years of anger, pain, denial and confusion. But there was something before and above all this pain, love. I loved Rob and he loved me, which was the foundation, it was not easy to cross, it was not easy to forgive life for playing such a trick on us but God, we did.

We decided together that mint green had to go off these walls, the stuffed bears , toys, cradle and books were given, all given to those who needed them the most. It was of no use in our new Guest room. With every paint brush recovering the green color I felt something being wiped off my life something I knew was real but has never existed for others.

A temporary space for all those who slept here, just a Guest room to them, but a whole life for us, a dream, hopes. every once in a while like today, I stop here to change the bed sheets, to put dome fresh towels but sometimes, I just come in here to remember, how it felt to host a little being. I though his life depended on me and that it was up to me if he could live or die, but with time I realized I never detained that type of power and decision. I won’t say its easy, but its better.

Sending love to very couple willing to have kids and to those who went through loss , God bless you and give you the strength to hold on and overcome it.