Unexpected Happiness

All my life I thought I was straight. I've never been bothered by others dating the people they truly loved, but I suppose it never occurred to me that I could have that luxury as well. I've had crushes, lust, and desires for many different types of people and genders. But I always suppressed what I felt in fear of what society or my family would think of me. Maybe it's the fact that my parents divorced when I was very young. Maybe it was because my family was mostly conservative in that regard. I don't know and I don't believe I ever will truly understand why I didn't do the things I could have, or should have done.

I don't blame you Austin for what you did to yourself, I blame me. I don't blame you for committing suicide, I blame myself for not telling you sooner that I loved you. I didn't know at the time, I thought about it for so many sleepless nights. But I never had the guts to tell you the truth. You already had hinted that you liked me so long ago. But I was a fool, I am a fool. I was oblivious and naive and I never thought someone as charming and as adorable as you, could ever love someone like me. I didn't deserve you.

And I guess this is my punishment now. To live my life knowing I never got the chance to tell you how I truly felt. To know that maybe there would've been a chance for me to save you. Maybe someday we can reunite in another land void of all rules and boundaries and fear. Away from all the things I thought were in my way. But the only thing keeping us apart was the mirror. It was me. I was the one who kept us from being together. If I had known then what I do now... I just, I wish I could save you. From the pain, the sorrow, the hollow empty loneliness that is depression and suicide. I've felt it too. But the difference is, I'm not you. So I failed once again.

Because of this loss, I now feel more than ever before, this yearning and longing to try and seek happiness. To find happiness in not just myself or what I can create through my work, but with someone else. A feeling of happiness to share and cultivate like a garden or an orchard. Something that I thought I could never, or would never achieve in my life. I believe in a lot of things and people. But I suppose the thing I believe the least in, is myself. And because of this great loss, I'm dealing with as of now, I feel that I must put myself out there. If I wish to find love I must actively seek it. And that is exactly what I'm going to do. Not for me, but for you... Austin.

I'm so sorry Austin. Forgive me, and may we cross paths again someday. And may the circumstances be right, where I can save you. Where we can be united and not divided. Where we walk hand in hand, as Angel and man.