Who Needs a Dog, Anyway?

Finally, I got to have some peace and quiet. I took a sip of some iced tea while I sat back in my brand-new lounge chair in my brand-new backyard. The grass is neatly kept. The birds are chirping, and the sun is shining in my face. A gentle breeze tickled my nose. Now all that was missing was Mary. We had been married for forty-five years before she passed away from cancer last year.

With the kids all grown up, I had to buy a smaller house. That big house was just too empty and sometimes I felt like I could hear her reminding me to take my medicine or where I left my shoes. It was just too painful every time I realized I was alone.

As I sipped my last bit of tea and reminisced about the good times, my beautiful day came to a screeching…. make that Barking halt. A deep, Cujo-like howl emanated from the other side of my fence. I could see something pushing at the bottom of the fence posts. Clawing and gnawing their way to my yard. This couldn’t be right. I didn’t realize I moved in next to a four-legged monster. My parents never let me get a mongrel when I was a kid, and for good reason. They smell, they drool, they chew on all your things. Mary wanted a dog once. We settled on fish.

           I sprung up out of my chair with the agility of a teenager and got my broom to shoe that damn fleabag away. Just as I picked it up, I heard a voice on the other side of the fence.

“Lady! Lady! Get away from there,” a man said.

The gnawing of my fence post stopped abruptly. The jingle of collar tags got farther and farther away. A young man popped his head up over my fence.

“Sorry about that. She hasn’t been home in a while and is just super excited.”

“Yeah…I didn’t realize there was a…dog next door when I bought this place.” I replied.

“She had to have surgery recently and she’s been staying at my sister's to recover. But she’s home now. I’ll make sure she’s out of your hair. Sorry again.”

“Good! See to it then.” I replied as I stepped back into my house. I could see the confused look on his face as I slammed the door.  There’s no way I was too harsh. Fence posts are expensive! He should feel bad.

I rested my head on my pillow later that night. I put on my sleeping mask and my spiffy candy cane pajamas that Mary got me for Christmas one year. They were ugly as can be, but boy did I smile and put ‘em on to make her happy. Just as I was falling asleep, that maddening barking was back. I clenched my fists and threw my pillow over my head. The bone-shattering sound of my fence breaking into pieces kept my eyes glued open as if I was part of some sort of horror science experiment.

“I’ll call the police!” I yelled to deaf ears. No, no, I couldn’t possibly bother late-night emergency services over this. I’ll go over there and bang on their door and demand they put that abomination away somewhere. They’re probably asleep and may think I’m a burglar.

“I’m not getting shot for that THING over there either.”

I know. I’ll turn my fan up to full blast. I won’t be able to hear it then!

“But, what if I get cold? I’ll shiver the whole night and won’t sleep anyway.”

I’ve never felt so much rage building up inside of me. Hours of non-stop barking filled my bedroom. I watched the hands on my clock just tick by, putting me in a trance. I’ve never encountered an animal with this much tenacity and sure willpower to cause me so much suffering.

I opened my left eye to find sunshine in my face. I did it! I finally fell asleep. My clock says it’s after noon already. I’m sure glad I’m retired with nowhere to be today. I went outside to survey the damage done by the beast, just to find two new fence posts installed. I grumble as I begrudgingly admire the work put in.

“Oh, hey there. I’m really sorry about this. Lady had one heck of a night last night. My name is Steve by the way. I’ve lived here for about six years.”

“Well, Steve. Do see to it that you keep that dog away from the fence or you’ll be buying us both a whole new fence soon.” I replied.

“Uh, yeah of course. So, where are you--.”

For the second time in as many days, I slammed my backdoor and ended that dreadful conversation. Mary would tell me it’d be good to make friends. Maybe I’ll shoot for making friends that don’t destroy my property.

“Ah, who needs ‘em anyway.”

I came home one day to find a giant hole dug under my fence. Mud covered and dirt clung to every surface. Even my brand-new furniture fell victim to this crime. My garden gnomes smashed. I wanted to find that weasel. I found her sniffing my flowers.

“Get out of my yard.”

She tucked her tail and ran back under the fence. Each day a reminder of that four-legged terrorist. I’m up to six new fence posts at this point. I’ve complained at homeowner meetings, called the police, complained to other neighbors, they all say the same thing. It’s just a dog.

“Just a dog my rear-end.”

I heated up a frozen dinner for one when it hit me. I haven’t heard that monster all day. Is this it? Is my torture finally over? Maybe Steve took that fleabag and moved? No, surely not. I hadn’t seen any moving vans lately. I went out and got a cake to celebrate the occasion. Finally, peace and quiet. I slept like a baby for the first time in ages that night.

A few days passed by, and it hit me. I still haven’t heard that beast at all. They’re probably just visiting family again, I sadly thought to myself. She’ll be back to ruin my life again in no time. I made some soup the next night. I put on one of Mary’s favorite records and I danced as if she was here with me.

“Lucy in the sky with diamonds.” I sang out.

The song was over. The house fell silent once again. There was no one to watch me dance like a fool. There was no one coming through that door to wish me a happy birthday. I laid down that night wondering whatever happened to that dog. I mean, I don’t care at all. However, it is a mighty strange feeling. Steve and Lady are the only ones that have talked to me in months voluntarily. This time, I found it ironic that I couldn’t sleep again. I watch the hands on the clock race each other again, only to find it didn’t work this time.

The sun rose as I stood on the other side of the fence. No new fence posts, no gnawing, no…nothing. The birds sang their jubilant songs once again, but something was…missing. I saw Steve later that day loading up their car. He waved his hand at me, and I reluctantly waved back.

“I see you got that dog to shut up finally, huh?” I asked with vigor.

He walked up to me. A single tear slid down his face. I didn’t get to know this guy, but the few times I did he was always annoyingly happy.

“She died. The cancer, it came back. This time, there was just nothing we could do. I’m sorry about the barking and the fence.”

I was blown away by how much pain was in his face. He didn’t even know me and had no reason to even share that pain with me, but he did. I saw myself standing in his shoes. All those terrible memories of grasping on to every second as if it’s your last moment with them. How could a dog remind me of such torment I did not know.

“No, it’s okay.” I put my head down. “I understand. I completely understand.”

Later that year, Steve invited me over for Christmas dinner. I suspiciously accepted. It turns out he wasn’t as obnoxious as I thought he was. We ate and talked about the good old days. A tiny puppy ran under the table. I wasn’t appalled like I would have been before. I gave him a little smile.

“We got another dog, finally. It took us a while, but we did it. Isn’t he cute?”

I looked under the table at this little thing. His tail was spinning fast and slapping me in the leg. I let out a little chuckle. “He’s a handsome boy for sure.”

“The best part is, he had a little sister, so we got her too.”

“Oh, that’s great, I suppo--.”

“We got her for you!”