The last gathering

Today seemed like the perfect day to start cleaning out my home of many years that memories have been made. I tended to be sort of a horder, meaning I was a paper freak! I don't understand what the importance of having records for the past 20 years was, when only a very small fraction is needed.

I have a small bedroom which also doubles as my "official" office per say, but truth be told, I have paperwork in the living room by my home computer as well. It does get confusing when I am trying to take care of important things, like paying bills, etc.

I decided that I would start working right after my morning coffee which was around 6:30am, and the weather outside was unfavorable for doing any activities as the rains had been steady for the past 3 days and flooding was a major issue for most in my locale.

I sat down at my desk and opened one of the many drawers in my desk and came across old pictures that were sentimental to me. One in particular had my sister, her friends and my family in what looked like a holiday, but no decorations in the background. I couldn't place it and wondered if it were a Clam Bake which my sister threw every year.

This particular photo was special because it was the last one of my sister I have when she was alive. She died several years ago from a brain aneurysm and the family hasn't been the same since then, especially my mother who was already in her mid 80's. She was devastated and wished it were her instead of my sister. I have also wished the good lord would have taken me instead of her because her life was taken too soon and she was a local hero to many.

I turned the picture over and expected to see everyone's name written out the way my mother used to do, but this was a photo I received from a friend of a friend and the only thing listed on the back of this was, "gone but not forgotten". I knew what the reference was, but it made me cry all over again. I was so emotional when this happened and hated myself for not spending more time with my sister, but life happens and we go on our ways and forget to connect when we need to do that.

My sister had a local rock and roll band and was the lead singer and guitarist and she put on a great live show. She had been jamming with so many musicians over the years and had a chance to go big time, but right when that was going on, her health started to betray her. Her angst was in so many songs and I know it must have been rebellion as growing up, our father was very strict and he and my sister would often butt heads and she left home as soon as she turned 18. Can't say I blamed her, but she was too strong willed and so was he.

Well, life was certainly exciting all those years ago, she finally found the freedom she craved and we rarely saw her except for the major holidays, Easter, Mothers Day, Thanksgiving and of course Christmas. She tried to get along with my father, but that was still strained. We didn't have much in common back then and I wished I would have stayed in better contact and tracked her music career as she was very gifted and sought out by so many other bands. I felt disappointed in myself not only for not keeping in touch, but was selfish in not extending myself more. I acted too little, too late. I am paying that price now and try to think of the happier times we all had together.

Well this photo certainly deserved to be in a frame on my wall, since those were the only areas in my home that weren't overly cluttered. I promised myself I would make that a priority and donate any time I had to helping with a local cause that was near and dear to her heart. She was especially fond of animals and gave much of her money to them and time that would permit.

I have the same love of animals myself and currently have 3 cats and 2 dogs and always seem to have room for another stray that needs my love. I sincerely appreciate all that I do have, even now, but feel lost. I am pouring my heart lately writing my memoirs for my future readers one day to understand what really makes me tick.

I was still going through my excess paperwork in my messy office when I came across another telling photo from an unknown time in my past. This one had a picture of myself, my spouse, my sister and one of her friends, but couldn't remember which one this was. She was extremely popular and had so many friends from everywhere she went, it was a shame there was nothing written on the back of this card and my spouse, nor I remembered her friend's name. We had no idea where to start and didn't know what year this shot was taken. I gathered this along with a few others I have kept and decided to make a collage in her honor.

I was finally finished working in this room and it was getting closer to lunch, so I took a break and my cats started to stir and their meows were getting louder and knew it was feeding time. My dogs were sleeping, but once they heard the refrigerator door open and close, came running to see what was going on. So, I fed the cats and the dogs and last but not least, myself. I felt a slight lifting of my spirits after spending most of my day working on my room, but only got as far as the photographs and everything seemed to stop. Not much else mattered as this took over my thoughts on continuing my cleaning efforts. I knew that I would have to do this again very soon, but was no longer in the mood.

This seemed to be all I would accomplish today, but I still felt like I had done what I set out to do, not entirely the perfect plan, but felt I was reminded of the memories so sacred and special, that if we don't recognize the times we have together when they happen, then we will be lost years to come which is how I have been feeling of late. I will cherish all my photos and songs that my sister had released and smile in retrospect. I am vowing to do better with the remainder of my life in that I will pay homage to my past, present and future for all to see what lessons we have learned and how to pay the respect that is required for us to remain humble in our beliefs.