Until You Really Needed Me

I sigh and shut the door behind her as she leaves. I listen as she storms down the hallway, slamming the front door.

I press my forehead against the door and scream, banging my head against the wood. I’m panting from exhaustion from the argument and from my anger by the end of it.

I don’t need you. You are someone I chose. You’re lucky you’re even here. What stupid words. I didn’t mean them.

But people say rash things when they’re angry.

I wish she were here now so that I could tell her that it’s really not her who I’m angry at. It’s stupid college.

To be completely honest, I’ve been so stressed out lately. Final exam after final exam, a few projects and presentations . . . that’s more than enough to make me snap.

Jaimie just wanted to know how I was handling it all. She was concerned. And that made me mad. She has her own things to worry about. After all, she’s preparing for her last tests before her graduation. She’ll be eighteen next month.

But it wasn’t wrong that she was concerned about me. After all, she cares . . .

No. If she cares, that’s her problem. On second thought, I stand by what I said. I don’t need her.

And I’ll show her just how much I don’t need her. Most likely, schoolwork will be easier without her as a distraction.

My face feels hot as I storm out of his room. With my lips pressed into a thin line I stomp down the hallway, making Quinn—Justin’s roommate—poke his head out the door.

He raises his eyebrows when he sees me. “Jaimie—?”

“Don’t ask” is all I murmur in explanation before the door slams behind me.

Angry, I flick through my keys and find the one to my car. From inside the house, I hear Justin screaming. It stops me cold.

But I don’t turn around. I can’t turn around. If I turn around, that would mean that I have already forgiven him for what he said. And I definitely haven’t forgiven him.

I close the car door and shove the key into the ignition, turning it until the engine roars to life. I pull out of the driveway and roll down the street, not bothering to turn on the radio. Other people talking is the last thing I want to hear right now.

I grip the steering wheel with both hands, my jaw clenched. When I realize that I’m doing so, I force myself to relax, loosening my grip on the wheel and unclenching my jaw. Sighing, I reluctantly turn on the radio.

It’s a break-up song. I flip the channel.

Another break-up song.

Another.

And another.

I groan, turning the radio off.

Fine. If he doesn’t need me, I don’t need him, either. I’ll show him.

“Woah, dude,” Quinn says, staring as I leave my room. “You look like you didn’t get any sleep.”

“Because I didn’t,” I say, yawning. “I spent all night studying. It wasn’t until an hour ago that I realized it was morning already.”

“But you have your final exam today, don’t you?”

I sigh. “Mm-hm.”

Quinn drops the spoon he is using to shovel cereal into his mouth in the bowl, sending milk all over the counter. “Justin!” he exclaims. “Dude. Seriously, you always take school seriously.”

“Seriously,” I sneer.

Quinn watches me with wide eyes as I sling my backpack over one shoulder and walk out the door. In our two years of living together, I have never spoken to him that way. Then again, I’ve never pulled an all-nighter either.

I hop in my car and start it, turning my head to look out the rearview mirror. That’s when I notice her headphones dangling from it. I always forget to give them back to her.

I rip the headphones from the mirror, angry. But, in the process, I rip the rearview off of its place on the windshield.

I curse under my breath and turn my body around in my seat, looking out the back window as I pull out of the driveway. Jaimie isn’t even here, and still she’s causing me problems.

“Jaimie.” My math teacher snaps his fingers in front of my face, snapping me out of whatever daze I had been in the moment before. I look up at him. “It’s thirty minuets into class. How many questions of your quiz have you completed?”

I look on the computer screen. “Uh.” My voice is strained. “Three.”

Mr. Pylon sighs. “That’s unacceptable.”

“I know,” I murmur.

“Well, I suggest you get to work,” he says, forming it like a question. I bob my head as he walks away, continuing his rounds around the rest of the class.

I look up to see my friend Silva giving me a questioning look. I only wave her off, and she nods, understanding.

I turn back to my quiz with a sigh. I hate that our fight last night is affecting me so much. I have a feeling that it shouldn’t bother me so much. But it does.

After math, Silva jumps on me. “Something’s wrong. What’s wrong? You’ve always got your head in the game.” She speaks quickly, searching my face.

“It’s nothing, really. Justin and I just got into a little fight last night.”

Silva gasps. “For real? Jaimie, you’ve been dating him for three months, and you’ve finally had your first fight?”

“I told you, it’s nothing.”

She raises an eyebrow. “No, it can’t be. Not with that mopey look on your face.” She stops me from entering my next class. “Come on, spill it. What did he say?”

I heave a sigh. “Fine. He told me that he didn’t need me.”

Silva raises her eyebrows, her jaw dropping with shock.

“I told you,” I mutter, pushing past her and into my next class. “It’s nothing.”

My head snaps up at the sound of the hour bell. I look up at the clock. Ten a.m. I look at my test. Fifteen out of . . . eighty-six questions answered. And the test ends at one. Today.

As I look at the next question, my mind wanders off again. What had I been thinking about?

Oh, of course. Jaimie. I can’t seem to get my mind off her. Even though I promised myself that I would try to forget about her and prove that I really don’t need her, there is still this dull feeling in my gut. A hurt, almost . . .

My focus snaps back to my test. Not now. This is much more important than your girlfriend, Justin.

But I still can’t help feeling a little bitter about the whole thing.

The road is a dangerous place this afternoon. I drive my car down route sixty-four, making sure to keep an eye on the other cars. Before I got out of school there had been reports of five different accidents on this very road, but luckily for me they’re already cleaned up. Three people died.

I slow a bit to let a car next to me get in my lane. The person waves at me from the rearview mirror, and I smile at their silent thank-you.

Suddenly, there is a loud vroom. I look in the rearview mirror just in time to see the car behind me ram into my rear.

Before I know what’s happening, my car is being flipped over. I scream as the airbag explodes in my face.

Everything darkens.

All I can feel is pain. Pain is everywhere.

I try to cry out, but I can’t hear myself.

Then, a bright light. And a comforting heat, like that of the sun.

And then nothing.

My phone rings. It read’s “Jaimie’s Mom.” I pick it up.

“Hello?”

A woman weeps on the other side. “Justin.”

I sit down on a nearby bench. “Ms. Collin? What’s wrong?”

“Hello, Justin, this is Mr. Collin.” Jaimie’s dad’s voice comes from the other side.

“Hi. Is something wrong?”

“Jaimie was in a car accident.” His voice isn’t steady, though you can tell he makes an effort. “It’s bad.”

“Are you at the hospital? I just finished my test. I’ll be there as soon as—”

“It’s really bad, Justin,” he says. “She’s not going to be with us much longer.”

My face falls, and I stop a few feet away from my car. “Th-the doctors . . .?”

“They can’t do anything. She has injuries to all her vital organs. It would be a waste to try and operate on her.”

“So they’re not even going to try to save her?” My voice is soft, but I’m filled to the brim with anger.

“I’m afraid not, son.”

“I’ll be there as soon as possible,” I murmur. And then I hang up the phone, climbing into my car.

“I told myself that I didn’t need her,” I say through gritted teeth as I drive down the road. “But I take that back. God, please, save her. Have mercy on her, please.”

But God’s will is not always our own.